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View Full Version : My advice to Josh Howard and All Rookies


Dooby
07-03-2003, 08:47 AM
Apparantly, what you do in your first game will label you for th rest of your career no matter what you do. For example, Dirk is improving as a defender, but he will always be known as "Irk" 'cause he has no D. People think that is really clever.

So, here is my advice:

When you first get the ball in your NBA debut, dunk the ball. No matter what, dunk it. Don't bother looking for the open man, taking the wide-open jumper, passing, or even dribbling; just run at the basket and dunk. This makes you a "finisher". If the ref calls an offensive foul or traveling, bitch about it immediately. Hold your arms out wide like you did nothing wrong and jump up and down with a look of disgust on your face. Still, don't forget to nod your head, pump your fist and high-five your teammates for "finishing".

On the immidiately following defensive play, knock your man down. This means you are tough. If the ref calls a defensive foul , bitch about it immediately. Hold your arms out wide like you did nothing wrong and jump up and down with a look of disgust on your face. Still, don't forget to nod your head, pump your fist and high-five your teammates for being tough and playing "street ball".

Whatever you do, do not take a jumpshot no matter how wide-open you are!

Later in the game (if you haven't already fouled out, which is never a problem because it isn't your fault; it is the man keeping you down), punch somebody in the face. This means you have a mean streak. Hold your arms out wide like you did nothing wrong and jump up and down with a look of disgust on your face when you are tossed out of the game. Still, don't forget to nod your head, pump your fist and high-five your teammates for "protecting your 'rep".

After the game, make sure to say something nonsensical about how you are misunderstood and get no respect 'cause your ancestors came over as slaves on a train from Africa. Then refuse to talk to the white media who insist on using your "slave name" and that you are still a slave 'cause you get paid like one and then climb into your hummer and nearly drive over somebody. For some reason, "Scarface" must be playing on your built-in DVD player.

I f you do all this successfully, fans of every NBA team will be clamoring to trade for you even though you may suck, just because they have heard of you.

Good luck.

Usually Lurkin
07-03-2003, 10:07 AM
some of that is good advice, Dooby, but I'll have to suggest some ammendments:

If you are under 6'7", don't knock anyone down. You don't want to be labelled a steroid agressor. If that happens, you'll only be able to keep a job playing for Isaiah Thomas. Instead, hold onto the jersey of whoever you are guarding. You will be "a gritty outside defender", and there will always be a role for you.

If you are over 6'9", don't punch anyone on purpose. Do it going for a block. You don't want to be a "head case", only able to hold a job playing alongside Scottie Pippen or Rasheed Wallace. You want to be the "tough inside (or helpside) defender".

If you are white, hit a jumpshot. That's really your only hope in the league.
If you are tall and white, don't foul anyone. You will be labeled "foul prone" "too slow" or "lacking lateral movement". If you are tall, white, and suck, wave a toul like a maniac. You will be a "great lockerroom guy". Mark Madsen and Bill Wennington won championships that way.

Dooby
07-03-2003, 10:22 AM
Originally posted by: Usually Lurkin

If you are white, hit a jumpshot. That's really your only hope in the league.
If you are tall and white, don't foul anyone. You will be labeled "foul prone" "too slow" or "lacking lateral movement". If you are tall, white, and suck, wave a toul like a maniac. You will be a "great lockerroom guy". Mark Madsen and Bill Wennington won championships that way.


Yeah, but what about "White Chocolate"? I think you can be white and toss the ball behind your back (even if it goes out of bounds) and follow the rest of my advice and you are OK.

madape
07-03-2003, 10:54 AM
And get some tatoos. That way marketing big wigs will instantly think you have street cred. The dollars will flow in. Putting your hair in corn rows or some other wild braid pattern will let everyone know that you are ready for the camera, the glitz, and the bling. And wear as much jewelry as possible. Shoe companies will line up with cash in hand because with that hair and those earrings, you must be the perfect role model for lower income blacks.

Growing an afro automatically lets people know that you are a "throwback". You definitely don't want this. No one wants to sponsor a throwback. You are supposed to be the guy that leads the NBA . Represent yo' self man! You're people have last year's sneakers on their feet! They are looking to you to let them know what to buy next. No one wants to spend $200 bucks for a pair of sneakers worn from some dude straight out of 1978! They want some 2003 juice. Boy, get your ass out there and give the people what they want! Straight up thuggin, dog! Don't let the millions take the street out of you. Keep it real and double your worth.

Drbio
07-03-2003, 11:16 AM
Great thread.

Usually Lurkin
07-03-2003, 05:39 PM
Originally posted by: Dooby
[quote]

Yeah, but what about "White Chocolate"? I think you can be white and toss the ball behind your back (even if it goes out of bounds) and follow the rest of my advice and you are OK.

White chocolate is a token. As a member of the majority, they'd have a one-in-a-million chance at being the token member. Better to play the odds. Make the jumper. If he's got the proper snarl already practiced, then he can go ahead and try it. There will always be a token white chocolate (see eminem), but those spots are rarely open.

Chiwas
07-03-2003, 07:39 PM
Very good thread.

Dooby
01-26-2004, 05:01 PM
Josh seems to be doing OK even though he hasn't followed my advice.

Epitome22
01-27-2004, 12:47 AM
This thread was stupid, masturbatory and racially ignorant. There should be separate forums for disgruntled white NBA fans to mix gripings about player conduct and reputations with unneccessary ignorant racial psychobabble about slavery and african ancestors.

superheadcat
01-27-2004, 01:22 AM
Originally posted by: Epitome22
This thread was stupid, masturbatory and racially ignorant. There should be separate forums for disgruntled white NBA fans to mix gripings about player conduct and reputations with unneccessary ignorant racial psychobabble about slavery and african ancestors.

just curious, how can u tell which posters are "disgruntled white NBA fans"?

Nicky31
01-27-2004, 09:00 AM
As far as getting calls by refs; I would watch Dirk or Nash, and the way they work the officials...

sike
01-27-2004, 11:15 AM
Originally posted by: Epitome22
This thread was stupid, masturbatory and racially ignorant. There should be separate forums for disgruntled white NBA fans to mix gripings about player conduct and reputations with unneccessary ignorant racial psychobabble about slavery and african ancestors.
as high minded and rantish as he probably wished this post to be, he still said masturbatory, and thats just funny!

bro, put away your thesaurus and step down from that ivory tinted soap box.....

sike
01-27-2004, 11:18 AM
After the game, make sure to say something nonsensical about how you are misunderstood and get no respect 'cause your ancestors came over as slaves on a train from Africa. Then refuse to talk to the white media who insist on using your "slave name" and that you are still a slave 'cause you get paid like one and then climb into your hummer and nearly drive over somebody.

this could be seen as over stepping the line of good humor and taste.

FreshJive
01-27-2004, 03:28 PM
http://membres.lycos.fr/bnb/images/beavis101.gif

Huhhuhhuhuhuh he said masterbate.

Drbio
01-27-2004, 05:02 PM
Originally posted by: FreshJive
http://membres.lycos.fr/bnb/images/beavis101.gif

Huhhuhhuhuhuh he said masterbate.

Sounds to me like he needs to masturbate.

MightyToine
01-28-2004, 08:11 AM
http://membres.lycos.fr/bnb/images/beavis101.gif

[b]I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!!! I NEED TEEPEE FOR MY BUNG-HOLE!

Rhylan
01-28-2004, 09:20 AM
Originally posted by: sike

After the game, make sure to say something nonsensical about how you are misunderstood and get no respect 'cause your ancestors came over as slaves on a train from Africa. Then refuse to talk to the white media who insist on using your "slave name" and that you are still a slave 'cause you get paid like one and then climb into your hummer and nearly drive over somebody.

this could be seen as over stepping the line of good humor and taste.

Or, it could be seen as brilliant, since it came a full 6 months before Rasheed's little rant.

sike
01-28-2004, 09:40 AM
Originally posted by: Rhylan

Originally posted by: sike

After the game, make sure to say something nonsensical about how you are misunderstood and get no respect 'cause your ancestors came over as slaves on a train from Africa. Then refuse to talk to the white media who insist on using your "slave name" and that you are still a slave 'cause you get paid like one and then climb into your hummer and nearly drive over somebody.

this could be seen as over stepping the line of good humor and taste.

Or, it could be seen as brilliant, since it came a full 6 months before Rasheed's little rant.

insight and brilliance should never be confused....
neither should funny and hurtful