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Tarzan
11-10-2003, 03:35 PM
From www.theshank.com (http://www.theshank.com)
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Overflow Crowd at Laker's Father's Day

By Mindy Pinch
The Los Angeles Lakers' "Meet Your Fathers Day" promotion ended in mayhem and tragedy yesterday after more than 65,000 people turned up claiming to be the illegitimate children of Laker players.

"It seemed like such a good idea," said Lakers marketing director Fitz Moravia. "We felt it would be a great way for the kids to reconnect with their dads."

Fans arriving at the game were administered genetic blood tests at the door. Those whose DNA matched the gene structures of current or former Lakers players were admitted for half-price.

According to ushers, every seat in the 20,000 capacity Staples Center was filled an hour before game time -- along with the rafters and aisles -- by people who'd rated positive genetic matches with current and former Laker players.

"There wasn't an unoccupied square foot in the house," said Bill Priske, a Laker usher for 14 years. "Some guys even climbed up onto the championship banners and rolled them into hammocks just to have a place to watch the game from."

Those testing positive as a DNA match to former Laker star Wilt Chamberlin alone were enough to fill the Staples Center's entire 8,000 seat lower deck.

Current Laker great Shaquille O'Neal tallied over 1800 matches.

"I knew I had a lot of illegitimate kids," said O'Neal, still shaken from the rendition of "Daddy, What Will You Get Me For Christmas?" sung by his children during warmups. "But eighteen hundred? Sounds like I'm gonna have to be talking to my lawyers about suing my rubber manufacturer."

A riot broke out just before tipoff when fans were offered the chance to come down onto the court to have their pictures taken next to their dads.

"So many kids came down, the court buckled and collapsed," sighed Laker owner Jerry Buss. "Rick Fox disappeared through a huge crack near the three-point arc with a pair of cheerleaders. Jack Nicholson fell into a giant sinkhole that formed underneath the stands."
"We still haven't found any of them."

One young fan was unimpressed by the mayhem.

"Whatever with those people," said Heroditus Lue, a six-year-old dead ringer for former Laker player Tyrone Lue. "I wanna see my old man so I can kick his ass for making me so ugly.

sike
11-10-2003, 04:35 PM
Overflow crowd?...is'nt that sweet, the players invited all their illigitimate kids as well....way to go guys!i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif

Shaq Attack2
11-10-2003, 06:27 PM
Is school out already?

Tarzan
11-11-2003, 09:53 AM
There is some great satire on that web site. There is a hilarious article about cannibalism in the sport of professional hiking.

bogey
11-11-2003, 03:37 PM
theshank strikes again....i/expressions/rolleye.gif