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View Full Version : A breakdown of the top 20 possible Kerry candidates


grbh
05-30-2004, 11:05 PM
Interesting read

Link (http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2004/5/26moe.html/#coulter)

1. John Edwards, Senator, North Carolina

Pro: Charismatic public speaker
Con: Not likely to deliver home state, may outshine Kerry

2. John McCain, Senator, Arizona

Pro: Independent thinker, veteran, may draw Republican votes
Con: Is a Republican, disagrees with Kerry on most things

3. Bob Kerrey, former Senator, Nebraska

Pro: As 9/11 Commission member, earned reputation as tough but fair
Con: May be considered nepotism for John Kerry to nominate his own brother

4. Bill Clinton, former President

Pro: Oh man, that would be awesomeŚcould you imagine? He'd be all like Yeah, I'm back, so suck on this, y'all and everyone would be all No way and he'd be all Way
Con: None

5. Bob Graham, Senator, Florida

Pro: Decades-long career as America's most popular evangelist could deliver Christians and conservatives
Con: Invented the graham cracker, which, frankly, isn't that great

6. Max Cleland, former Senator, Georgia

Pro: Close Kerry confidant, fellow Vietnam vet
Con: Got ass kicked by a guy named "Saxby"

7. Paul Tsongas, former Senator, Massachusetts

Pro: Fiscal conservative, appeal could cross party lines
Con: From same state as Kerry, died in 1997

8: H. Ross Perot, businessman, Texas

Pro: Hilarity
Con: None

9. No one; anywhere

Pro: Would allow voters to concentrate on Kerry
Con: Would not deliver a state, raise money, or do anything, due to lack of existence

10. Nancy Pelosi, Representative and House Minority Leader, California

Pro: Could lure disenchanted liberal voters who might otherwise go with Nader
Con: As a liberal, hates America, would make religion illegal, raise taxes by 500 percent, move Capitol to France

11. Blanche Lincoln, Senator, Arkansas

Pro: Combines best elements of Blanche DuBois and Abraham Lincoln
Con: No Democrat from Arkansas has ever won national election

12. Bob Menendez, Representative, New Jersey

Pro: Could solidify shaky support in New Jersey, lure Latino voters
Con: Along with brother Lyle, murdered parents

13. Dan Quayle, former Senator, Indiana

Pro: Possessed of Robert Redford-style good looks, energetic
Con: None

14. Ann Coulter, columnist

Pro: Flattering position would silence her exposing of the true evil liberal agenda
Con: Is composed entirely of spiders and deadly snakes writhing beneath a latex "skin"

15. Shaquille O'Neal, basketball player, California

Pro: Can clog up the middle, blocks shots, requires alteration of opposing team's game plan
Con: Free-throw shooting still an issue, recalcitrant

16. Joseph Biden, Senator, Delaware

Pro: Articulate speaker, respected among Democratic leadership
Con: Delaware is a protectorate, not a state, therefore constitutionally ineligible

17. Ashton Kutcher, actor, California

Pro: Could "punk" Bush campaign with crazy pranks, make them think their president plane got stoled, and then he could yell "Punk'd!" and it would be funny
Con: Sucks

18. A big pile of fudge; all over

Pro: Tasty, particularly enjoyed by women and increasingly obese nation
Con: Perishable, nonsentient, lackluster in debates and speeches

19. Fourteen dogs from Ohio; Ohio

Pro: Everyone loves dogs, each dog could be different, like one's a mean dog and one's a cute dog and one wears glasses and looks like a computer-whiz dog, could deliver swing state
Con: So many dogs could mean diluted message, can't talk

20. Jesus, Messiah, Nazareth

Pro: Would put Bush in uncomfortable position of attacking his personal Lord and Savior, could redefine Christianity instantly for political gain, likable
Con: Mythical

Drbio
05-31-2004, 08:40 AM
That's funny.....