View Full Version : NBA MVP Watch: Playa hating

04-13-2002, 04:26 PM
And other one from
ESPN Insider (http://insider.espn.go.com/insider/story?id=1265764)

By a show of hands, who woke up this morning, took a wince at the girl snoring next to you, tried to remember her name, the bar's name, the cab's color, and then regretted ever voting for Allen Iverson for MVP last season?


Well, here it is. After slobbering over these guys, the so-called MVP candidates, for the past six or so months, we're going to run down the reasons why each and every one of them should not, could not and would not win the award at the end of this season.

We're playa hating the best players in the NBA and we're doing it in A-B-C order because we got skills like that. Then, next week as the season comes to a close, we'll tell you why one of them should.

The Top 10 Contenders
Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers
Numbers: 25.4 ppg, 5.6 rpg, 5.5 apg, 1.4 spg, 0.4 bpg, 47% FG, 26% three, 82% FT

Beef: Learn how to shoot the ball from some kind of distance. We've seen the reverse dunks, the finger rolls in traffic and turnaround jumpers from ungodly angles. But you've got five games left in this shindig and have yet to hit your 33rd trey. Last year, he drilled 61 of them at 30 percent. Heck, his rookie year, he hit 51 of them at 37 percent. This year Kobe's shooting 26 percent and scoring three fewer points than he did the season before. Remember, you play shooting guard. Shooting . . . with a swish. Stop trying to change the game until you can, at least, play your position.

Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs
Numbers: 25.5 ppg, 12.7 rpg, 3.7 apg, 0.7 spg, 2.4 bpg, 50% FG, 80% FT

Beef: Don't come to me with free-throw percentages and rebounding averages that are barely above last year's. Smoke screens and mirrors. David Robinson is scoring nine points less than he did the year Duncan first squatted in his neighborhood yet the kid is averaging only four more points five years later. By this time in his career, the Admiral was putting up 29.8 points per game, blocking 3.3 shots and stealing 1.7 balls per contest and still didn't get a whiff of MVP glory. Still got a long way to go and whole lotta noise to make before anyone gives up a serious second look to the Virgin Island bridesmaid.

Kevin Garnett, Minnesota Timberwolves
Numbers: 21.1 ppg, 12.2 rpg, 5.3 apg, 1.2 spg, 1.6 bpg, 47% FG, 32% three, 80% FT

Beef: I wish he'd stop loving the game so much and start hating his opponent. Then maybe he'd do something we haven't already seen from him in the last four years. Yes, even amazing grace and graciousness gets monotonous. He's had better scoring years, better shooting years, better defensive stats and turned the ball over fewer times. So don't tease us with the quick start and expect those same numbers, divine as they may be, to carry him through a 9-12 record in crunch time. Same old song. Besides, MVP's don't watch the second round from their couch.

Jason Kidd, New Jersey Nets
Numbers: 15 ppg, 7.3 rpg, 10 apg, 2.1 spg, 0.2 bpg, 39% FG, 32% three, 82% FT

Beef: If you didn't read Monday's piece then too bad. Just peep the shooting percentage and cover your kid's eyes the next time Kidd squares up for the jumper. Unless, of course, you want other kids making fun of him on the playground and taking his lunch money.

Tracy McGrady, Orlando Magic
Numbers: 25.4 ppg, 7.7 rpg, 5.3 apg, 1.5 spg, 0.9 bpg, 45% FG, 35% three, 75% FT

Beef: Snap out of your Fantasy League sweat and wipe the drool off of T-Mac's boxscores before I remind you that the ink on his birth certificate is all dry now and fading. He ain't no kid anymore so stop playing stat games. By his fifth year, MJ was doing more with less and hanging 32 points, eight boards and eight assists on a much tougher Eastern Conference. McGrady is a mere four games away from playoff outer darkness. That may sound tough, comparing him to His Airness in his prime, but quit your sniveling. I thought we were talking about the MVP . . . as in the absolute best player in the league today. Torches are supposed to be hot and heavy.

Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas Mavericks
Numbers: 23.6 ppg, 10.1 rpg, 2.5 apg, 1 spg, 1 bpg, 47% FG, 39% three, 85% FT

Beef: Is nothing sacred? Give the MVP trophy to this guy and you'd have to smash the dang thing on the nearest cement driveway and hope it breaks into three pieces. Steve Nash gets him open and scores 18.4 per game. Michael Finley keeps his back clean and scores 20.4 per game. All Dirk has to do is make sure he thanks each one of them when he scores his double-digits without ever having to face double teams like the rest of the guys on this list. It's kind of easy to carry a team when all you have to do is keep up with it.

Shaquille O'Neal, Los Angeles Lakers
Numbers: 26.9 ppg, 10.7 rpg, 3 apg, 0.6 spg, 2.1 bpg, 57% FG, 54% FT

Beef: Don't insult the man with beads and trinkets. He doesn't want it so why should the league give it to him. He knows, we know, every player, coach and so-called cousin in silicon waiting outside of the visitor's locker room in the NBA knows that there is no more prevalent force in the game today. Define the award how you want then hand him the Finals MVP trophy when you're finally out of breath and red-faced. Besides, he's only played in 63 games with four to go. Stop wasting his and our time.

Gary Payton, Seattle Super Sonics
Numbers: 22.1 ppg, 4.8 rpg, 9 apg, 1.6 spg, 0.3 bpg, 46% FG, 30% three, 79% FT

Beef: Because this is the NBA and we don't hand out Lifetime Achievement Awards when we've got commercial spots, front row seats and corporate sponsorship packages to fill. It's a nice story. But save it for the Travel section of the Sunday paper. The average age of the players on this board is 26. GP is about to turn 34. Try and sell that to the kids wearing $200 squeeks. The stats are nice, the standings even butterier. But he was better two, four, six years ago and you know it. Parkay. He didn't win it then, he ain't winning it now. Now take your buffed and shined stats, cash them in for a nice long-term deal to ride into retirement and be happy that in 12 years of hardcore NBA service you've never had a major injury to keep you from playing, well, 12 years in the NBA.

Paul Pierce, Boston Celtics
Numbers: 26.4 ppg, 6.9 rpg, 3.1 apg, 1.8 spg, 1 bpg, 44% FG, 40% three, 81% FT

Beef: Let's make this as simple as possible. Rookies only watch without seats at the big money table. And as far as MVP's go, Pierce is as wet behind the ears as they come. Here, let me read you his career playoff statistics. 0 games played, 0 points scored, 0 rebounds, 0 assists, 0 steals, 0 blocks, 0 chance of winning the award this year.

Chris Webber, Sacramento Kings
Numbers: 24.4 ppg, 10.3 rpg, 4.8 apg, 1.7 spg, 1.4 bpg, 49% FG, 75% FT

Beef: Beacuse P-E-J-A isn't just a four-letter word anymore. He's the guy who torched the league right into the All-Star break while CWeb took his sweet time with Tyra rehabilitating his (fill in the blank). The Kings went 18-8 without him and put the company Christmas card in the mail. Too bad. Sacramento is going to finish with the best record in the league. Webber is its best player. Tall, dark and handsome. All the ingredients needed to win the PR award and he's running off with some supermodel. Silly him. What were we talking about again . . . ?

Dropped out: Allen Iverson

04-13-2002, 04:32 PM
<< Dirk Nowitzki - It's kind of easy to carry a team when all you have to do is keep up with it. >>

Who wrote this article?

04-13-2002, 05:53 PM
Terry Brown.

I found the article an amusing exercise. And I'm always glad to see Dirk listed as a legitimate MVP candidate even if I don't think he deserves it yet.

04-13-2002, 06:18 PM
sounds to me as if no one deserves it according to this guy

04-13-2002, 06:26 PM
Terry Brown should ask Jody Valade for writing tips.

04-13-2002, 06:58 PM
that's pathetic

04-13-2002, 07:41 PM
Boy is this guy ever bitter. Him saying that Dirk never draws double teams makes me wonder how many Maverick games the guy has seen this year or whether he just reads boxscores. His arguments regarding Tracy Mcgrady and Tim Duncan are absolutly pointless. Tim Duncan's carrying the Spurs to a midwest division title isn't worthy because his stats aren't as high as a player who played in an era before him who never won an MVP award? T-Mac doesen't deserve it because he isn't as good as Michael Jordan, the equivalant of what the guy is saying?, Gary Payton doesen't deserve it because he's not as good as he was 5 years ago? someone needs to tell this guy to sever his ties with a game he's obviously lost touch with and instead go to blockbuster and rent &quot;greatest Basketball moments of the 90's&quot; and watch that while he ponders why his girlfriend left him.

04-13-2002, 08:17 PM
Not sure what provoked him to write this little piece, but amusing all the same.

Epitome, he's not saying that Dirk doesn't face double-teams ever, just not on the level of the other guys listed.

04-13-2002, 10:38 PM
Guys its a joke column. Yes, per the column, nobody deserves the award. The idea is take the 10 best candidates and make the case against them. And the more of a stretch it is, the more they obviously deserve it. I mean look at his argument against Shaq.

I'm surprised people are getting upset at what was clearly meant to be a humorous bit.

04-13-2002, 10:51 PM
yep..he's just throwing out some shock value..no reason to get upset

04-14-2002, 02:50 AM
HAHAHA I can't believe you guys didn't pick up on the sarcasm of the article. I like it.

About Tim Duncan:

&quot;Don't come to me with free-throw percentages and rebounding averages that are barely above last year's.&quot;

I mean REALLY guys!

04-14-2002, 03:54 AM
Goes to show you that I didn't read the whole thing.

Makes me think of those stupid things they use to give you in high school. You know you'd be given a handout and some would start in on the problems and others would have flipped it upside down and sit there. You know, where if you had read the directions it said to do #12 and that's it while everyone else is flying through them all when they aren't supposed too.

Ugh. i/expressions/face-icon-small-disgusted.gif

04-14-2002, 12:15 PM
His writing still sucks. And yes, I took it as sarcasm. But to put together crap like this in a national piece is a joke in and of itself.

04-15-2002, 05:28 AM
'ESPN INSIDER' isn't exactly a national publication. And by the way, I'm pretty sure his choice for MVP is Tim Duncan