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Recap from Slam:

The following are exact quotes from Doc Rivers before last night’s Celtics-Mavericks game.

“Jason Kidd has always been known as the guy who couldn’t shoot.”

And this: “He’s literally laughed all the way to the bank.”

And this: “It’s not like he’s Reggie. People give him some time.”

The following is an exact quote from Ray Allen about twenty minutes after last night’s Celtics-Mavericks game: “I’ll be in my bed thinking about how I never should’ve left Jason Kidd open.”

You know in horror movies, when someone spends a conspicuously long period of time explaining some weird fetish/abnormality he has—and at the time you know it’s conspicuous, so you have a this inkling he’s going to be the killer? And, of course, an hour-and-a-half passes. So you forget about it.

But, alas, that f***er was the killer all along.

Well, Jason Kidd was that dude tonight. Doc Rivers spent about 1/3rd of his press conference talking about—for some reason, and no one is really sure why—how good and underrated and wonderful of a jumpshooter this guy is, that people fly right by him, that people forget he’s out there and capable of hitting that shot.

Then, with 2.5 seconds left, down by one, Jason Kidd got Ray Allen to bite on a pump fake at the end of a broken play. Then he set his feet and hit a three, which he’s hit more of in NBA history than anyone but two people.

It was creepy and weird and totally inexplicable, unless you watch horror movies.

It was preceded by the two horrible murders (Jason Terry and DeShawn Stevenson both airballed threes) that kind of quashed all hope. The usual hero was gimpy and not really capable of saving everyone. And KG looked like he wanted to murder everyone within arm’s reach with a ball peen hammer.

(That last one isn’t part of the horror movie, just generally the truth.)

This is maybe best known as the “Chris Farley in Wayne’s World Theorem” because of this clip, where he gives away the ending of the movie in the first act.:

Security guard: (He) hates to fly. He’s going across the country right now to look for new acts to sign to his label. Next stop is St Louis. Then he’ll come back through Chicago on his way to Detroit.

Wayne (to the camera): For a security guard, he had an awful lot of information, don’t you think?

For a contender, the Celtics had an awful lot of information, don’t you think?

Doesn’t the fact that the Mavs beat them anyway show that they’re contenders, too?

FIRST QUARTER:
- It’s kind of stupid high scoring early. I’ll give you a brief summary:

KG, KG, KG, Barea, Dirk, Barea, Dirk, KG.

Looks like I’m going to have to tone down my JJ Barea Hate Parade, which has grown strong and picked up many homeless people and stragglers in my walk across America. He has nine already.

- KG with one of those reaffirming, yep-he’s-on-the-All-Star-team-for-a-reason turnarounds. 18-18.

- Yes, it’s 18-18 and this is the third update. Nobody’s missing shots.

- Kidd comes right back and drops a three sort of in transition. This is torrid. It’s like a goddamn waterfall.

- KG spin move and up and under. 23-20, Mavs. It’s 2002. Everybody do the Macarena.

- That was actually 1997. Nobody do the Macarena.

- Unless you have to.

- Well, it’s officially contagious. Rajon Rondo just hit a jumpshot.

- Jesus Christ, am I going to have to title this, “How I learned to quit worrying and love the Barea?” That would be so horrible. He has 11.

- Tyson Chandler hates the rim and the fact that he wasn’t voted into the All-Star game. 32-24, Mavs.

- Nate Robinson just hit a 28-footer with a hand in his face. No one plans on missing anything. 32-27.

- Terry at the buzzer with a hand in his face. E-I-E-I-O. 34-27.

SECOND QUARTER:

- Nate for three again. Must be nice for him to be able to rise above a defender to hit a jumpshot.

- Yes, that was me making fun of JJ Barea. I just relapsed.

- Junk point fiesta. Two straight Marquis flip shots followed by a Marion floater plus a foul. 41-36, Mavs.

- We’ve slowed down a little. Everybody’s had some tea. 45-42 Mavs.

- Somebody should check and see if Brendan Haywood is still alive. He’s just kind of hanging out on the elbow on defense while Semih Erden is doing that backboard rebounding drill with himself.

- UPDATE: Just got confirmation that Brendan Haywood’s been dead since August.

- Jason Terry is getting furnace-like in the hand area. A three after a midrange J. 50-45, Mavs.

- Tyson with on of those “even the visiting crowd respects this” kind of blocks against the backboard on a Ray Allen breakaway layup.

- $20 says Doc called that timeout to call a Pierce iso to end the quarter. Even though that was already going to be a Pierce iso.

- Yep. Doesn’t matter: Perk beats the buzzer with a hard-fought putback. Solid timeout! Two points!

- 54-51. This is some really good basketball so far.

THIRD QUARTER:

- These game notes might be a little boring so far. This is what it sounds like when the basketball is good.

- This is what it sounds like when doves cry.

- Kidd. Immediately. Right back to hitting threes. 56-51. No. 3 all-time at that.

- Ray. Right back to hitting threes. 56-54. No. 2 all-time at that.

- Reggie Miller isn’t here. No. 1 all-time at that.

- Jason Kidd sees everything. He’s still one of the top-15 players to see in person, and he was born during the Taft administration. Dirk for three from the top of the key on a Kidd transition assist. 61-55.

- Barea to Chandler on the lob. There’s a note on the whiteboard in the Celtics locker room for this exact thing. It literally says: “Watch for Barea attacks / Chandler lobs.”

- The refs have to separate Chandler and KG. Is it weird that I’d take Chandler in that fight now? Is that against the law?

- Barea airball. Am I going to have to title this, “How I learned to quit worrying and love the Barea?” The answer is no.

- This game provides a solution to this question: How many legs does Dirk need to be the best player on his team? The answer is somewhere less than one.

- KG with a recovery on a Kidd jumper and an emphatic swat out of bounds.

- First Celtics lead since the first quarter. 67-66, Celtics.

- Ray Allen gets his 16th and 17th points on a tip in. He totally looks like an All-Star tonight.

- Dallas is falling apart and Shawn Marion comes in for Dirk Nowitzki. Explique, Mssr. Carlisle.

- Immediate Big Baby dunk. Explique, Mssr. Carlisle.

- I’m sitting behind two dudes that are so Italian they make Matt Caputo look Korean.

- It’s time we all admit that Tyson Chandler is a beast.

- Dirk comes back in. Collects two straight hoops. 75 up.

- 77 up to end three.

FOURTH QUARTER:

- Guy who makes Matt Caputo look Korean in front of me is doing the Incredible Hulk/Hulk Hogan flex thing now. Must be a big game.

- Dirk on a backdown. Guy behind me: “Nothin’ you can do about that.” I love when Boston fans respect other players. It means they’re going to the Hall of Fame.

- Ian Mahinmi hasn’t just been an upgrade over Haywood in the sense that he’s actually a breathing human being—with a pulse and everything!—but he’s actually been really active, too. He’s only 1/8th the cost of a Haywood, too! And he comes with a working central nervous system!

- The Celtics run a play from Rondo-to-Daniels out of the timeout that gets them a layup and a foul. I don’t know how all of the other dwarfs are doing, but Sleepy seems to be doing just fine.

- Drunk Italian guy now accusing Tyson Chandler of being a drunk because he, himself, is drunk.

- Missed KG jumper forces drunk italian guy to start headbutting and hugging less-drunk Italian guy with a skullcap on. The less drunk guy isn’t sure if he wants to oblige. This is a lot like the situation in Egypt.

- 90-89 C’s, 5:59 left in one of the best nationally-televised games of the year. So much Brut cologne in front of me, so little time left.

- A huge Ray Allen recovery block rejects the Chandler dump-off dunk he’s had all night. Then Perkins gets a free layup on the other end. 92-89, C’s.

- Ray Allen for three. It’s the best game of the year for him. This kind of validates his All-Star vote, no? 95-91.

- Terry. Right back. 95-91.

- Perk. Right back. 97-91.

- Now it’s 97-94 after a Dirk drive and layup plus the foul. Does he get some sort of war medal for carrying all of these dead people to a safe place?

- Back-to-back airballs for the Mavs on open 3s. Terry then Stevenson. Yikes.

- Can somebody get this Nowitzki guy one f’ing reliable teammate?

- Terry gets to the line with 56 seconds left. This prompts somebody behind me to just yell, “F**k you!” at no one in particular. I’m usually against anytime our culture clearly devolves into things that make no sense. But I love this about heckling. Eventually we’re just going to grunt at people and ask for help.

- He hits both.

- Allen misses a quick three, but KG steals Dirk’s entry pass from Kidd on the other end.

- KG gets an open elbow jumper. It’s a good look, but it just rims out. Mavs take a timeout with 15.3 left.

- Jason Kidd hits a three after a pump fake on a Dirk kickout during a broken play. Doc Rivers is all the wrong kinds of prophetic! Dude must be Mayan!

- The inbounds to a dive-cutting KG is thrown away. Dirk hits both free throws.

- Mavs win, 101-97.

POSTGAME:

- Everyone’s frantic because Danny Ainge says he’s holding a press conference. Doc Rivers has been fired/shot/impregnated somehow! Rajon Rondo for Jason Smith! Deal of the century!

- Nope. Jermaine O’Neal had surgery today. Out 6-8 weeks.

- Doc on Dirk: “The other guys are what beat us tonight.” First time I’ve heard that about the Mavs in, like, six years.

- Jason Kidd on championships: “I’ve come up short twice. Well, I’ve come up short once. I’m not sure that Lakers series counts.”