[LRB]

Subject: Handy Cleaning Tips



Dirt:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of
15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs:

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,
thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your partner points out that the
light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And
spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them &call them holiday
decorations.)

Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming
you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for
underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room
and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle
the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den
but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting:
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her
ashes."

General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water
in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly.

Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look,
throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't
get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie
pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake
sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works every time.

Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck, always keep several get well cards on the
mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and
unable to clean. You figure if you can live in it, they can surely stand it
for a 30 minute visit.