[Dr.Zoidberg]

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — When Tony Bennett formally removed himself from the running to be the next head basketball coach at Indiana University over the weekend, the decision was met with surprise and slight embarrassment from those involved with the program.

With Indiana expected to make an announcement on their new coach by the end of the week, Bennett’s decisions throws a wrench into the already complicated process. But one man sees a simple solution to their problem.

“I’m in,” said an enthusiastic Isiah Thomas, shortly after his New York Knicks team took its 13th loss in the month of March on Sunday. “I played at IU. Hell, I won a National Championship there. And obviously, I’ve proven myself to be a capable coach at the highest level.”

While the general hope among fans of the program is that the university hire someone with intelligence, dignity, and respectability, Isiah does present an interesting case.

“If there’s one thing I know, it’s how to handle young talent. Look what I’ve done with Nate Robinson, Renaldo Balkman, David Lee, and Randolph Morris. Those guys freakin’ love me,” Thomas claimed. “And don’t even get me started on handling a budget. I ran the CBA for chrissake!”

When SSNN broached the possibility of Isiah becoming IU’s next head coach with Athletic Director Rick Greenspan, he was predictably guarded in his response.

“Due to contractual obligations, I’m not allowed to comment beyond stating that Isiah is on our list,” Greenspan said. When pressed further, he went on to add that Thomas sat “somewhere between Pat Summitt and Adolph Rupp.”

After being informed that Rupp has been dead for over 30 years, the normally serious Greenspan tried his best to conceal a smile while replying, “Yes, I’m aware of that.”

Upon being told of the A.D.’s comments, Isiah began hopping up and down and pumping his fists emphatically.

“You see!?!?! I knew they wanted me,” the Knicks president, coach and GM squealed. “Of course, I already have a job, and it would be really hard to leave a city where I’m so dearly loved, but I think it would be a perfect fit. Plus, Marbury has a cousin that’s a senior this year, and I know I could convince him to come to Bloomington.”

Link