Dear sir/madam:
This week, I found out I lost my job and will soon default on my mortgage. I stand to lose everything if I can’t get back on my feet quickly. You are one of my closest relatives and/or friends, so I am asking you for help in this most dire of times. Below are some items toward which you could contribute:
a new shed- would help me better organize... and an uncluttered home is the start to an uncluttered mind
broadband internet- I can’t search for jobs online with a crappy dial-up
wireless broadband internet- I could trip on the internet cable and that would really screw up my chances of getting back on my feet
digital tv- it can be bundled with the internet for a $5 annual savings, so I might as well
weather monitoring equipment- how dumb would it be if I showed up to an interview wearing summer clothes in the winter! 50% of interviewing is looking smart
a security system- burglars could steal my suit the night before my interview... see above
a gun- just in case I forget to set the new security alarm, I can shoot the bastards
telescope- astrology is the key to the mysteries of the universe. I will find my path in the stars
a new pool pump- the old one clogs too frequently, so I lose valuable time that I could use looking for a job!
ultra-premium gas- stinky exhaust gives me a light head, which keeps me from thinking clearly in my job search
a hybrid- see above regarding stinky gas
braces for my kids- IT’S FOR THE KIDS!
fishing license- you know what they say about teaching someone to fish instead of just giving them fish...
museum tickets- can’t begin to move forward unless I know where I come from
water park tickets- I can’t work without lots of play
condoms- I can’t work without lots of...umm... on second thought, maybe I’ll leave this one out
more dirt for my lawn- more dirt leads to more grass which leads to a happier environment for me as I look for work
a new driveway- I can’t go out looking for a job if the driveway to my garage is nicked up
shopping day at the mall- gotta look my best if I want to succeed! duh.
Also, in the interest of full disclosure, I must let you know that I met a stranger who needs an abortion, so I already agreed to pay for it out of both the kindness of my heart to adult strangers and my absolute loathing of little kids. Some of your money may go to pay for this.
And to my moronic neighbor, Rodney Blah: I will make sure not a single cent of this ends up in your hands, your children’s hands, or in the hands of anyone you hold dear. You deserve to suffer.
The rest of my plans can be found in a 600 page PDF
found here.
Sincerely,
Your bestest friend in the whole wide world whom you could never do without
P.S. - In case you were thinking about not donating, remember all the
money I owe you from the past? Forget about getting any of it back if
I go under. I own you.