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A 16 year old white girl from England who sings like a 300 pound Aretha..
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Aretha Franklin In Stable Condition After Liposuction Surgery
By Staff of DailyHog.com (satire in poor taste)
March, 23
The Queen Of Soul, Aretha Franklin, is reported to be in stable condition after a 47 hour surgical procedure which saw two thirds of her body removed.
The singer, 62, who underwent the drastic procedure of liposuction for an upcoming episode of "Extreme Makeover", is said to be feeling fine after the exhausting 47 hour operation.
Doctor Gerry Beemer, who performed the operation said it's the first time he's removed so much fat from a single human being in one suction session. Before becoming a cosmetic surgeon, Beemer used to work at an Alaska whale processing plant where he removed blubber from whale carcases.
Some facts about Aretha's removed fat:
Enough fat was removed from Aretha's body to keep 2000 oil lamps burning continuously for a period of 68 years.
It would take approximately 6000 Eskimos, six months of continuous chewing to devoir Aretha's body fat.
If used as a lifeboat, the mound of fat removed from Aretha's body could keep 100 shipwrecked sailors safely afloat.
If set afire, the fat removed from Aretha's body could send enough smoke into the air to trigger a nuclear winter.
If divided into equal portions, the fat removed from Aretha's body would fill approximately 18,000 Santa Clause suites.
If dropped from the top of the Empire State Building, the force of the fat hitting the pavement would trigger an earthquake on the eastern seaboard, resulting in the total destruction of New York City, and serious damage to other areas within a 400 mile radius from the point of impact.
Guess you better make that a 100 lb. Aretha.