NBA Want Ads Part 2 from ESPN Insider

[LRB]

Midwest want ads

Dallas Mavericks
Wanted: Hit man to bully Tim Duncan, Chris Webber and Shaquille O'Neal in the post.
For sale: Late model 7-foot-6 center from Utah. Recently replaced by flashier, high-tech Chinese edition. Make an offer.

Denver Nuggets
Wanted: Certain Hummer-driving high school phenom. Send us your ugly, your tired, your crippled, your jump-shot challenged. They'll find refuge here as long as they're out in July.
For sale: Camb-we make a deal? Seventeen seconds is all it will take to fall in love with this live wire. Comes with a year's supply of towels, Ben Gay and a lifetime supply of Charmin.

Houston Rockets
Wanted: Glen Rice and Maurice Taylor to wander out into the wilderness and never be heard from again.
For sale: Tickets. C'mon folks, they added a 7-foot-5 guy to the roster this year. Do they have to sign Earl Boykins, too, to get people to start coming to the freak show?

Minnesota Timberwolves
Wanted: Rights to the plot of Terminator 3. GM Kevin McHale goes back in time to stop the signing of Joe Smith.
For sale: Retirement special. This name-Brandon, former all-star point guard is looking for a warm place in Florida to kick back, play some bingo, and brush up on his shuffleboard game. Early-bird dinner specials a major plus.

Memphis Grizzlies
Wanted: Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant.
For sale: Hip, upstart point guard from the great state of West Virginia. Defense, shot selection and common sense not included.

San Antonio Spurs
Wanted: Anyone over the age of 57.
For sale: Anyone under the age of 24. Go figure.

Utah Jazz
Wanted: Basketball Viagra for two aging stars trying to make it to the finish line.
For sale: Former 7-foot farmhand only good four games a year, but considering they are all against the Lakers, he's worth the remaining two years, $14 million left on his deal.


Pacific want ads

Golden State Warriors
Wanted: Mike Dunleavy to quit playing like he went to Duke. A certain Bay Area point guard with a chip on his shoulder. If the Glove fits, we finally would have to acquit the Warriors.
For sale: Six-foot-6 former personal rebounder for Larry Hughes. Some compare him to Sir Charles, minus the offense, defense and charisma.

Los Angeles Clippers
Wanted: Someone, anyone, willing to rescue us from the clutches of Darth Donald. If that doesn't work, we'll take the usual: Draft picks, rookies and players making less than $2 million a year.
For sale: All-star power forward, all-star caliber point guard, two emerging dynamic small forwards and a center many believe may be the third best in the league behind Shaq and Yao Ming. We don't want them.

Los Angeles Lakers
Wanted: Someone to convince Shaq and Phil that the season actually started in October.
For sale: Dr. Phil says no one. GM Mitch Kupchak says everyone not named Shaq and Kobe. The truth probably lies somewhere in between.

Phoenix Suns
Wanted: More draft picks from the Magic.
For sale: Greek week. 7-foot-2 center proves that sometimes size doesn't mean jack squat.

Portland Trail Blazers
Wanted: Now that Jayson Williams is off the hook, do you think he's interested in making a comeback? If he's not available, Latrell Sprewell, Ron Artest or Chris Mills will do. While we're at it, you can never have too many point guards, swingmen or centers. Throw in two of each and you've got a deal.
For sale: Mighty mouse. Diminutive point guard looking for love, good conversation and 30 to 35 mpg.

Sacramento Kings
Wanted: NBA Championship.
For sale: Ummm, we'll get back to you on that.

Seattle SuperSonics
Wanted: Someone good enough to justify us putting Gary Payton out to pasture for good.
For sale: Three-headed center! Must see to believe. The best money can buy. Comes in sizes of thin, medium and xxl. Your choice, only $5 million each.

[Hitman]

can you post the story about the NBA union and Darko?