More jokes..

[OutletPass]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[Caliente]

Reasons to stay single ...........by men

Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.

I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.

I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.

I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".

I'd be painting the town instead of the house.

When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.

I could show my girlfriend where I live.

I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.

The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.

I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.

I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!

I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.

I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.

You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!

Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.

Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.

I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.

I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.

I could use my own name at hotels.

I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.

When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!".

[Caliente]

The science of drinking.

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.


Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.................


Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.


Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.


Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!


Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.


THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay

[Caliente]

15 Reasons Why Choccolate Is Better Than Sex

1. You can GET chocolate.
2.Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
3. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
5. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
6. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
7. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
8. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
9. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
10. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
11. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
12.You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
13. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
14. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake
15. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good

[Caliente]

The day arrives and Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is at the
Pearly Gates and met by St. Peter. The gates, however, are closed, and
Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St Peter says,"Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We
have heard a lot about you. I must tell you though that the place is
filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination to
everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get
into heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter, sir.
Tain't nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam, though. Shore hope the
test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter says, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only 3
questions........
First: What 2 days of the week begin with the letter "T"?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?
Forrest says, "Well the first one....which 2 days in the week begin
with the letter T? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.
The saint's eyes open wide, and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I
was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so
I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? How many
seconds are there in a year?"
Now that one's harder", says Forrest, but I guess the only answer can be
12."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how do you
come up with 12 seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there's gotta be 12: January 2nd, February
2nd, March 2nd........"
Hold it", interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and
I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind
..........but
I'll have to give you credit for that one too. Let's go on with the third
and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
"Sure", replied Forrest. "It's Andy".
Andy?!", replied an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.
O.K.,I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first 2
questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as
the first name of God?"
Shucks, that was the easiest one of all", Forrest replied.
I learnt it from the song.... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN...."
St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and says, "Run, Forrest, Run"

[Caliente]

30 harsh things to say to a naked guy:

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Awww, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
(giggle and point)
11.Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14.This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me really drunk first....
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

[Chiwas]

[Caliente]

1. How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

2. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Not one will stop to ask directions.

4. What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

5. How does a man show he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

6. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds eventually mature.

7. Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.

10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

11. Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[irontoad]

Uh, how many different jokes threads do we really need in the lounge here??

[Caliente]

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they

could eat no more.

"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
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"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

[Chiwas]

[I guess this might not be a joke, but here it goes anyway [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]]

Mars & Venus on Earth

A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of commitment that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90 day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

Roger, Elaine says aloud.

What? says Roger, startled.

Please don't torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have .. Oh God, I feel so...(She breaks down, sobbing.)

What? says Roger. I'm such a fool, Elaine sobs. I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.

There's no horse? says Roger.

You think I'm a fool, don't you? Elaine says.

No! says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time, Elaine says.

(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes" he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger", she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, _expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, you've known Elaine longer than I have. Did she ever own a horse?"

[u2sarajevo]

Why did the skeleton cross the road?

[MikeB]

Jesus is Watching you!
In a big old country house, a thief was filling his swag bag with expensive jewelry when this little voice says “Jesus is watching you!” Startled, he spins around but sees no one. Telling himself that he's hearing things, he continues with the raid. “Jesus is watching you!” the voice was louder this time. Wide eyed, the thief scans the room and finds a small parrot perched on a stand. “Can you talk?” he asks the parrot. “Of course I can” the parrot squawks. “What do they call you then?” the thief grins; relieved he’s not been rumbled. “Cecil” the parrot informs. “Cecil? What asshole gave you a stupid name like Cecil?” The parrot dips his head to the side and screeches: “The same asshole who named the Rottweiler Jesus!”

[u2sarajevo]

Originally posted by: u2sarajevo
Why did the skeleton cross the road?

Was this joke ignored? Or does no one care to know the answer?

[Smiles]

Originally posted by: u2sarajevo

Was this joke ignored? Or does no one care to know the answer?

i don't know it [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-blush.gif[/img]

[MikeB]

I guess it was maybe not "ignored"...but quite possibly overlooked accidentally[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-shocked.gif[/img]

Why DID the skeleton cross the road?

[u2sarajevo]

Originally posted by: MikeB
I guess it was maybe not "ignored"...but quite possibly overlooked accidentally[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-shocked.gif[/img]

Why DID the skeleton cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken.

[MikeB]

Okayyyyyyy....hahahha

Naughty Woman
An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid- rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographer, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting office is waiting with her personal effects.

He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake." "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him." I noticed the "choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Smiles]

Originally posted by: u2sarajevo

He was stapled to the chicken.

My godsh, that is gross! *shudder*

[LRB]

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5 . Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favours"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10.Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
11 Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Hard"
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going to Have To Let One Of You Go.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile..
Its Called Therapy....

[LRB]

The Nude Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining.

[cheesestar]

something i got from a friend through email:

The following are purported to be actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

[Caliente]

Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

10 - Being told to "think outside the box" when you are in a freaking' box all day long.

9 - Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.

8 - Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun.

7 - That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese.

6 - Lack of roof rafters for the noose

5 - The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right

4 - 23 power cords - one outlet

3 - Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.

2 - The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your coworkers.

And...the number 1 drawback to working in a cubicle------------------------------

YOU CAN'T SLAM THE DOOR AND WALK OUT WHEN YOU QUIT!

[Caliente]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who
was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father
took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring
your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll
talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they
could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study
where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought
your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your
hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair,
Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."

[EricaLubarsky]

It's still fun to make "Clinton is a whore" jokes.

Al Gore and Bill Clinton are talking about premarital sex and Al Gore says to Clinton,

" I never had sex with my wife before we were married. did you?"

and Clinton replies,

"I don't know. what was Tipper's maiden name?"

[mavsman55]

I apologize in advance for the language:

A man walks into a bar, absolutely infuriated. He grabs a seat and hunches over. The bartender leans over, sayin "What can I get'ya". The man orders a beer. As the bartender gives him the beer he asks him why he's in such a mood. The man replies saying " Lawyers are assholes man." Suddenly, a man in the back stood up. "HEY BUDDY, I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT!" The man sitting down scowels and says "What are you a lawyer?" The man replies "NO, IM AN ASSHOLE".

[LRB]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street
when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male
dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the
one to reach
her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the
same time. The
males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on
themselves
and hoping for just a glance from her in return.


Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the
three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them
"The first one who
can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an
imaginative,
intelligent sentence can go out with me."


The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and
says, "I love liver and
cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no
imagination or
intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall, shiny Great Dane and said "How
well can you do?

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Great Dane.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless.
That's just as dumb as
the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,
"How about you,
little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame
and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her
a smile, a
sly wink, turns to the Great Dane and the Lab and says
....


"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[Caliente]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it and said,"Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and
only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home."

[Chiwas]

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She is gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life."

Poof! He is gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

[MavKikiNYC]

A Chiwas sighting!.....

Rumor had it that you and Sweets had run off to San Francisco together, and that you were working as Eddie's houseboy.

Glad you came back home for Christmas.

[Chiwas]

Thanks, Kiki. The closest to the rumor I am is this: I'm going to attend the game Worriers-Bulls at January 10th in Chicago. Not the best month to visit that city but, who said that work has to be always fun?

Greetings.

[twelli]

this board is just not the same without Chiwas' jokes and hot babes...

[Chiwas]

Oops, wrong thread. Something to arrange it:

"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."
Paul Newman.

[Caliente]

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (I wish I had!)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Chiwas]

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

This is not a joke.

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

The one bewtween D and M? [img]i/expressions/anim_shocked.gif[/img]

[Chiwas]

Ah, my beautiful Cal, thanks.

How dogs and men are the same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

7. Neither does any dishes.

8. Both fart shamelessly.

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

10. Both like dominance games.

11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

[Caliente]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around
the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So
is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love
you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks,"Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home
after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture,
puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the
door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a
rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies,
"Oh THAT!...

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants
off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

[Caliente]

This one's for you Drbio.............[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]


A guy gets a call from a golfing buddy who asks if he can play today.

He replies, "I am the master of my home and can play golf whenever I want . . . . . .but hold on a minute while I find out if I want to."

[Caliente]

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way", said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

[Caliente]

BEST IRISH JOKE

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's
only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."