Jokes Thread

[Chiwas]

Three women die together in a car accident and they go to heaven...

When arriving Saint Peter says to them: "Only there is a rule in heaven... Do not step on the Ducks".

Then, they enter heaven, and of course! the place this plenty of ducks! It is almost impossible not to step on the ducks, and although they do everything to avoid them, the first woman accidentally step on one.

Saint Peter approaches, with the ugliest man the poor woman has seen ever. Saint Peter chains them together and says to her: "Your punishment to step on the ducks is to be chained forever to this ugly man".

Next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck. Saint Peter notices it, and approcahes again, bringing another extremely ugly man. He chains them together and gives the same speech to her than to the first woman.

The third woman observes all this, and not wanting to be chained to an ugly man for all the eternity, becomes VERY careful to pay attention to where she steps.

Somehow, she works fine to spend months and months without stepping on any duck. But some day arrives San Pedro with the most beautiful man she has seen ever...tall, gentle, of great eyes and long long eyelashes, with a thin and muscular body.

Saint Peter chains them together without saying a word...

The woman, still astonished, says: "I ask myself what did I do to deserve that they chain me to somebody like you for all the eternity...

And the boy says: "I don't know what you did....but I did step on a duck"

[LRB]

Subject: Yer Suthern Tranzlater
Yer Suthern Tranzlater
Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!" TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed . must be from some farn country."

JU-HERE - a question. Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution. Usage:! "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

[Chiwas]

I was wondering why I had that many troubles to understand the southerns.



[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

Q. How do most men define marriage?

A. A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

[kingrex]

Nice one Caliente.

That reminds of this one:

Q: You know why the bride wears white at the wedding?

A: Because the dishwasher has to match the refridgerator.

[Psychedelic Fuzz]

so a minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"

*insert rimshot here*

[Caliente]

The father watched through the window as his young daughter made a snowman with a little friend. Entertained by the sight, he went closer and heard the little boy say: "I've got an idea. To finish it off, I'll go to the kitchen and find a carrot."

The young daughter replied, "Make it two. The second can be his nose."

[Caliente]

Love, Lust and Marriage

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-O together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?

Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to yourLove when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

[Caliente]

One day, Timmy was talking to God.
"What's a thousand years like to you, God?" Timmy asked.
"Like a second," God replied.
"What's a million dollars like to you, God?" Timmy asked.
"Like a penny, Timmy," God replied.
"Hey, God," Timmy thoughtfully asked, "can I borrow a penny?"
"Sure," God replied. "Hold on a second."

[WayOutWest]

Just heard this one tonight from a guy from Oxnard no less:

Q: "What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an Octopuss?"

A: "I don't know but it sure can pick lettuce."

[Caliente]

A traveling salesman came to a farm house with a three-legged pig in the barnyard. The salesman said to the farmer, "that pig is amazing!" to which the farmer replied, "Son, you don't know the half of it. That pig saved our lives. One night our house was blazing. The pig woke us up and pulled the baby from its burning crib to safety. We wouldn't be here without that pig!" The salesman said, "wow, what an amazing pig!"
The farmer said, "That's nothing! We were having some money trouble, and we were going to lose the farm. This pig went out back of
the farm, rooted around and struck oil. We never have to work another day in our lives."
The salesman said, "that's just incredible." The farmer said, "There's more! That pig can do math. He tutored my daughter, and now she's getting straight A's!"
The salesman said, "I can't believe it. What a pig! But tell me, why does he only have three legs?"
The farmer looked at the traveling salesman and said, "man, you don't eat a pig like that all at once!"

[Caliente]

Great Air "Liners"

All of the following were supposedly overheard on actual flights.

AIRPLANE SAFETY
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

THE SMOKING SECTION
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight. If you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

ROUGH LANDINGS
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella ... WHOA!"

An announcement made by the head flight attendant after landing: "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault. It was the asphalt!"

An airline pilot tells us that on a particular flight, he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, giving them a smile and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

On a flight into Amarillo, Texas, after an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less-than-perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

GREAT EXIT LINES
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

[LRB]

You know you're a redneck when your stair master has an ashtray!

[LRB]

Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they get drunk and ride with them.

[LRB]

Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

[Caliente]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.


GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

[LRB]

Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '2000

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

[Caliente]

How to Let a Boyfriend Go....

Dear ________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply...
___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.


Sincerely,
___________

[Caliente]

TOP 10 REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they have seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like that dream you always have.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in but I left my wallet in my trousers."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And... drum roll, please! ... the Number One reason to go to work naked:

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:30 sharp!"

[arsenalth9]

A man is walking down the street and he finds a tennis ball. Being a big tennis buff, he decides to take the ball, so he puts it in his pocket. He walks a few blocks when a woman comes up to him and says, "whats that there in your pocket?" he repiles "oh, a tennis Ball" she looks at him awkwardly and says, "Wow, i've had tennis elbow, but tennis ball must really be painful"

[Caliente]

Excuses for Calling in Sick


If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.


When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.


On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.


My stigmata are acting up.


I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?


I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....


I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.


Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them 'Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.


Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.


I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.


The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.


The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.


I prefer to remain an enigma.


My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.


I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.


I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.


I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

[Chiwas]

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend
with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts
eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them
off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother,
"Thanks for the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the
chocolate off them."

[LRB]

Originally posted by: Caliente
Excuses for Calling in Sick

Or how about, I can't come into work because I have to go out and buy 300 gross of EXlax for my constipated pet elephant.

[Caliente]

Five reasons clowns wear makeup:


5. Because poorly applied makeup always makes people laugh

4. Because none of them have eyebrows

3. So that when they commit a crime, the police dispatcher will not take the person calling seriously

2. Proper shading can help de-emphasize their tragically large red noses

1. To hammer home the whole "I'm a clown" theme

[Caliente]

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a Coke."

"No problem," said the doctor, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the doctor's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the Coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?"

[Caliente]

Women's T-Shirt Slogans

1) Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
2) I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
3) Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
4) I hate everybody, and you're next.
5) Please don't make me kill you.
6) And your point is...
7) I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
8) I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
9) Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
10) Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
11) Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
12) I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
13) Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
14) You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
15) All stressed out and no one to choke.
16) I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
17) How can I miss you if you won't go away?
18) Sorry if I look interested. I'm not.
19) If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
20) Don't make me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

[Chiwas]

Two blondes were walking through the woods following a set of tracks. All along the way they argued over what the track belonged to.

One insisted that they were rabbit tracks and the other insisted they were dear tracks.

This went on and on. And don't you know they were still arguing when the train hit them.

[Caliente]

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

[Caliente]

A Cowboy's Guide to Life...

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.

[Caliente]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

[mercury_rev]

Q: How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Ten. One to screw in the light bulb and nine to make a T-shirt about it.

[Caliente]

CAT PHYSICS

Presented by the Institute of Theoretical & Applied Cat Physics

1. Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2. Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

3. Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

4. Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

5. Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

6. Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

7. Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop that has anything remotely interesting on it.

8. Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant speed, until he gets good and ready to stop.

9. Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

10. Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

11. Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat's resistance varies in inverse proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

12. First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will therefore use as little energy as possible.

13. Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

14. Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

15. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

16. Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

17. Law of Bag / Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

18. Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

19. Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

20. Law of Furniture Replacement

A cats desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

21. Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

22. Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

23. Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

24. Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

25. Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

26. Law of Selective Listening

Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.

27. Law of Equidistant Separation

All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.

28. Law of Cat Invisibility

Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them.

29. Law of Space-Time Continuum

Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

30. Law of Concentration of Mass

A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.

31. Law of Cat Probability (Uncertainty Principle)

It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she "might" be.

32. Law of Cat Obedience

As yet undiscovered.

[sike]

Michael Jackson is a Father!

[Caliente]

Originally posted by: sike
Michael Jackson is a Father!

Father, No......Sperm donor, Yes......

[sike]

Originally posted by: Caliente

Father, No......Sperm donor, Yes......

irony Cali, irony.....

[Caliente]

Originally posted by: sike

irony Cali, irony.....

irony, No........perverted, Yes.....

[sike]

YES cali, he is a pervert..that is why there is irony in the fact that he would be allowd to have children.....it was meant as a sad statement of fact..."mike Jackson is a pervert and a father"....that was the point.....

[Caliente]

Woman's Instruction Booklet

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

2. Remember that you are known by the idiot you accompany.

3. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.

4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You lock the door behind him.

5. So many men -- so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

6. If they can put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.

7. Tell him you're not his type -- you have a pulse.

8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.

10. Never sleep with a man who has named his penis.

11. You might as well go for younger men. They never mature, anyway.

12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.

13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself type.

16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they're too old for it.

17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years, proving that even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

20. If he asks what sort of books you like, tell him checkbooks.

21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh, alright, I'll stay the night."

22. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.

23. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

24. If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no, you're just practicing.

25. Sadly, all men are created equal.

26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You may be. You look familiar."

[MavsFanatik33]

<u>STUPID JOKE OF THE DAY</u>

What is Snoop Dogg's favorite weather?

Drizzle [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

El Perro Peligroso

This fellow was sitting at the counter in a truck stop diner eating lunch. He was rather small in stature, bespectacled, wearing a suit with a bow-tie, and on the stool next to him was his dog; an unusually small Mexican Chihuahua. He was surrounded by big rough-looking, rough-talking truck drivers and he was catching a lot of ribbing about his dog. He continued in silence eating his lunch and when finished stood down from the counter, paid his bill, and he and his dog walked out of the diner.

A few moments later the small man returns and timidly asks, "Does anyone in here own a Doberman?"

The roughest of the truck drivers rises and walks over to the little man and says, "Yeah, the Doberman's mine. What about 'im?"

The little guy replies, "Well, my dog just killed your dog."

The truck driver, bristling, bellows, "How could YOUR dog possibly have killed MY dog?"

The little man responds, "Your dog choked on him."