Jokes Thread

[Caliente]

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe in a distant jungle. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison. The Frenchman cries, "Vive la France!", quaffs the poison, and dies.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest -- everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing?!"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, ya joirk."

[Chiwas]

Blondes have more fun. . . parking:

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[Caliente]

A blonde is sitting at home one day when she decides she's sick of hearing all those blonde jokes, so she decides to dye her hair brown. To see if it works, she goes to a farm.

She walks up to the farmer and says, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer kinda chuckles to himself, and then replies, "Sure, why not?" The blonde pulls out a calculator and does a whole bunch of calculus and trig equations and comes up with a number. She says to the farmer, "There are 314 sheep out there." The farmer looks at her with a shocked expression and says, "You're right! Go take your pick". The blonde takes a few minutes to pick a sheep, waves to the farmer, and leaves.

She's sitting at home the next day when she hears a knock on her front door. She opens it and finds the farmer standing there, holding his hat. He says to her, "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[Chiwas]

Dedicated to our chefs, Evil and Sweets:

POPPIN’ POULTRY
When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try. 6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste



Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's “patoot” blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

And you thought I couldn't cook .

[Caliente]

Is Your Computer Male or Female?
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female. (E.g., "Steady as she goes," or, "She's listing a bit to the starboard, Captain!") Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow.

Five reasons to believe that computers are female:

1. No one but their Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message, "Bad command or file name," is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you!"

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as male. Their reasons follow.

Five reasons to believe that computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

[Caliente]

You know you're in a Southern church when.....

1. The call to worship is,.."ya'll come on in now"

2. People grumble bout Noah letting coyotes on the ark

3.The preacher says "i'd like for Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.

4. The restrooms are outside

5.Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday

6.A member of the church asked to be burried in his 4-wheeled drive cuz "it aint never been in a hole it cant get out of"

7.When it rains everyone is smiling

8.Prayers reguarding the weather are standard practice

9.The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale"

10.The pastor wears boots

11.Four generations of the same family sit together at worship

12.There aint no such thing as a "secret" sin

13. Baptism is refered to as "branding"

14.There is a special fund for a new septic tank

15.Finding and returning lost sheep isnt just a parable

16.High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling

17.People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 were the two fish were bass or catfish

18.People think "rapture" is when you lift something to heavy

19.Baptism takes place in the creek out behind the church.

20.The final words for the benediction are "Ya'll come back now, ya' hear?"

[Smiles]

Originally posted by: Caliente
You know you're in a Southern church when.....

5.Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday

7.When it rains everyone is smiling

8.Prayers reguarding the weather are standard practice

10.The pastor wears boots

11.Four generations of the same family sit together at worship

12.There aint no such thing as a "secret" sin

15.Finding and returning lost sheep isnt just a parable

19.Baptism takes place in the creek out behind the church.

What's extra funny to me is that I never knew these things could be taken as part of a joke! [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img] *giggle*

"Country Girl goes to town..." [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img] [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-blush.gif[/img]

[Chiwas]

10.The pastor wears boots
15.Finding and returning lost sheep isnt just a parable

Does "southern" stand for Austin, San Antonio, or more southwards (Mexico [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-blush.gif[/img])?

[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

Actual Bumper Stickers


So many stupid people... so few comets.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

All generalizations are false.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I brake for no apparent reason.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Born free...Taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

No radio - Already stolen.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age: Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I souport publik edekashun.

Be nice to your kids.They'll choose your nursing home.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

Caution: I drive like you do.

My kid beat up your honor student!

So many cats, so few recipes.

[Caliente]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends
late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass
gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-
shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another
for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a**h*** ...
it's ten past three in the morning!"

[LRB]

4. The restrooms are outside

I can testify that these do exist in Arkansas, and are not rare at all.

[Caliente]

All you really need to know about Government and Bureaucracy:

** Pythagorean theorem: ............................. 24 words.
** Lord's prayer: ................................... 66 words.
** Archimedes' Principle: ........................... 67 words.
** 10 Commandments: ................................. 179 words.
** Gettysburg address: .............................. 286 words.
** Declaration of Independence: ................... 1,300 words.
US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.

[mary]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a Spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,

"Why the spoon?"

"Well,"he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

"So then I asked..."After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[Chiwas]

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony.

The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor smiled, "It'll help keep the sheets off his legs."

[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"

6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

[Novice#41]

[Caliente]

Lawyers in Heaven

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What?!" God shouts. "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Novice#41]

the psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health
and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.

speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked,
"how would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth
screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair
weeping uncontrollably the next?"

a young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered,
"a basketball coach?"

[Caliente]

Lawyer Joe

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided To make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying into the phone "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes! The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay," he said, "but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

[Novice#41]

TOP 10 REASONS BASKETBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. BALL MOVEMENT IS KEY

9. YOU CAN SET IT UP OR GO FOR THE FASTBREAK

8. IF YOU NEED A BREAK, YOU CAN CALL A 20 SECOND TIMEOUT

7. THERE IS A COACH TELLING YOU WHEN TO "TAKE IT TO THE HOLE"

6. BEING DOUBLE-TEAMED IS COMMON

5. YOU CAN PASS IT OFF, SO YOUR BUDDY CAN SCORE

4. IF SCOUTS LIKE YOUR PERFORMANCE, YOU TURN PRO

3. YOU KNOW YOU ARE DONE WHEN THE HORN SOUNDS

2. YOU ALWAYS TRY TO SCORE WITHIN 24 SECONDS

1. THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE WITH A TOWEL TO CLEAN UP ANY WET SPOTS

[Caliente]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely and injuring him.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!!!" he whined.

"Never mind about your BMW," the cop said, "Look at your arm!"

"Oh my GOD", shouted the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex???!!!!"

[Chiwas]

"Father," she told him, "I have two female parrots rescued from a house of ill-repute. But the only thing they ever say is: 'Wanna have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" exclaims the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your parrots over to my house, and I will put them in with two male parrots whom I have taught to pray every day. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase."

The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The two female parrots were put in the cage with them. The females immediately began their routine: "Hi, wanna have some some fun?" One male parrot looked at the other male parrot and said: "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered."

[Caliente]

A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, his shirt open at the collar, but is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything."

[Razor]

Micheal Jackson / trash bags - they are both black,made of plastic and are dangerous if left unattended around small children.

[Caliente]

For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, you may want to keep the following in mind.

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the fact that for 6 ounces of sausage it's not worth living with the entire pig.

[LRB]

Originally posted by: Razor
Micheal Jackson / trash bags - they are both black,made of plastic and are dangerous if left unattended around small children.

Sorry Razor but Michael is no longer black. He's not white either. More like in between. Wack would be appropriate. [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]

[dirkformvp]

Originally posted by: LRB

Sorry Razor but Michael is no longer black. He's not white either. More like in between. Wack would be appropriate. [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]

thats not even a word to describe michael jackson, there is no word that can describe him, if there is no one knows about it yet

[Caliente]

THINGS HALLMARK DOESN'T SAY

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.


2. My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.....She moved in with me.

4. Looking back over the years that we've been together
I can't help but wonder? What the hell was I thinking?

5. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

6. How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?

7.. I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you.... I've changed my mind.

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life....
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

10. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

11. Someday I hope to get married....but not to you.

12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age....
Almost Lifelike!

13. When we were together you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

14. We have been friends for a very long time....
what say we stop?

15. I'm so miserable without you.....
it's almost like you're here.

16. Congratulations on you new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

[LRB]

18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

How could you leave Arkansas out of the list?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?![img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-mad.gif[/img][img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-confused.gif[/img][img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

SEASONS GREETINGS.....


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through
the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols"

[Chiwas]

Some Things Never Change . . .

God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?" and God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam said "What's a river?" and God explained it to him.

And then God said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a hill?" and God explained it to him.

Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave," and Adam said, "what's a cave?" and God explained that to him.

"In the cave you will find a woman." And Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, and said,"I want you to reproduce.[begat?[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]]." And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him.

So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back.

God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?

[Caliente]

Bluenecks Are NORTHERNERS. By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins: YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY spicy!

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.

5. You have never, ever eaten okr! a, fried or boiled.

6. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

7. You have no idea what a polecat is.

8. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

9. You don't have bangs.

10. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

11. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

12. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

13. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

14. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the head football coach's salary.

15. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
(Not to even mention duct tape!)

16. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on ramp to the highway.

17. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

! 18. You call binoculars opera glasses.

19. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

20. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

21. You don't know anyone with at least two first names
(i.e.Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice).

22. You don't have doilies, and you don't know how to make one.

23. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

24. You can do your laundry without quarters.

25. None of your fur coats are homemade.

[Caliente]

A Scottish man comes to America for the first time and decides to go to a baseball game, that great American past time. He sits in the stands watching with interest, trying to understand all the rules of the game.

The first batter comes up and hits a line drive. Everyone around the Scotsman stands up and screams, "Run! Run!" The runner is safe at first. Aha, thinks the Scotsman, this isn't so hard to understand.

The next batter comes up and also hits a line drive. The Scotsman stands up with the fans and screams, "Run, ye bastard, run!" He sits back down with everyone else, very proud of himself. This happens a few more times.

Another batter comes up, gets a strike, a few bad pitches, and eventually a walk. As the batter is walking to first, the Scotsman stands up and screams, "Run, ye bastard, run!" He notices that no one else around him is cheering, and sits down, very embarrassed.

Another fan sitting nearby sees the Scotsman can't tell what he did wrong, and so kindly explains, "That batter has four balls, he doesn't have to run."

Whereupon the Scotsman stands up and screams, "Walk with pride, laddie!"

[Caliente]

The list: The jury is out

Five disappointing verdict declarations from bad jury foremen:


5. "We believe the defendant doesn't look guilty."

4. "Come on, everybody: Chair! Chair! Chair! ..."

3. "If it pleases the court, I'd like to take the accused behind the courthouse and administer some real justice."

2. "Nice try, Matlock, but we vote for that other guy."

1. "The prosecutor was convincing, but rock beats scissors."

[Caliente]

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"

[Caliente]

> Five tips for a woman....


> 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.


> 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.


> 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.


> 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.


> 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[Caliente]

[Caliente]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than we do to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems.

Food 4 Thought

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

[Caliente]

Top Ten Pickup Lines used by Santa's Elves:

1. "I'm down here."

2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.

3. I was once a lawn ornament for 'NSync. Want to meet them?

4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.

5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.

6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top disappear?

7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.

8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.

9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.

10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!

[Chiwas]

Never Lie To Mom

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother,

I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom

Lesson of the Day - Don't lie to your Mom.