Jokes Thread

[Caliente]

State Mottoes the Boards of Tourism Rejected


Alabama: At Least We're Not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: At least we're not New Jersey.
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru ("Death to Mainland Scum, but leave your money")
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well, Okay, We're Not, but the Potatoes Sure are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: Two Billion Years Tidal-Wave-Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, but That's our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes are Lower than Sweden's (for Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense Against the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood-Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away, and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent. You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um ... We've Got ... Um ... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl-It's What's for Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY an Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Habla Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun by Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?

[Chiwas]

Texas: Se Habla Ingles

I noticed it. Shouldn't it be Texpanglish?

Bar Jokes for the New Year
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer." He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.

”Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" the bartender asks.

"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

Oh Yeah, My second wish was a chick with long legs.

[Caliente]

A man is on the stand in court, being tried for the crime of eating a California Condor, a protected species. The judge says to him, "You know that eating endangered wildlife is a despicable crime punishable by huge fines, don't you?"

The man answers, "Yes, your honor, but I'd been lost in the forest for three days without food, and I was afraid I was going to starve to death, so I had no choice, I had to eat whatever I could."

The judge considered the man's testimony, checked his law books, and announced that the man would not be fined. "Due to the
extenuating circumstances, I've decided that you should not be punished -- you have a right to take drastic measures for self-preservation... but off the record, I have one question... what did it taste like?"

The man was surprised by the question, and thought about it for a minute. "Well, I suppose it's sort of like a cross between bald eagle and spotted owl."

[Chiwas]

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent. You Have the Right to an Attorney

Ha! The first thing I noticed when visited NYC was a sign in the street warning about a fine to mascots' owners if they didn't clean the excrement of their animals.

[Scoobay]

old but good....
---------------
They're out!!
Yes, the one we've all been waiting for... the Darwin Award 2002. The
candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the
Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the
Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the
most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has
been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole
lives for this event!
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned
in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who
"totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a100- foot-high
cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he
had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said
Daniel Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and
had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when
it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach,
on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their
way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It
took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him
while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a
hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as
he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was
burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed
in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull
as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet, Nick Berrena,
20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman,
23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak
vest Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed in February in
Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put
a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the
trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel
Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus
earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their
snowmobiles.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a
millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet
ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the
head, fracturing his skull.
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his
wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up
in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the
dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen,
but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP:
TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when
one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew
more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued
drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable
lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and
the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before
the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two
nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was
watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation
for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER:
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his
constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked
Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay
unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of
him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no
one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour
before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. "It
seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."

[Chiwas]

The Truth about Canines
Dogs lie around all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

They growl when they are not happy.

When you want to play they want to play.

When you want to be alone they want to play.

They are great at begging.

They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

They leave their toys everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
We thought the Ladies needed a good one

[Caliente]

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in
front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of
clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth
has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock
will
move."
"Oh," said Hillary. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating she has never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?" asked Hillary.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved
twice, telling us Abe told two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office.
"Wow! That's pretty good, isn't it?"

"Not really, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

[sike]

my little brother told me this, so all offended parties can send their angry letters to him..

"Yo mamma is so fat that she broke her leg and gravy poured out".

....this made me laugh, then smile, then cry for big boned women everywhere![img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]

[sike]

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven.

...now that is funny[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here
and
>help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get
it
>started."
>
> Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"
>
> The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
>tiger".
>
> Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She
lets
>him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
>
> He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says,
>"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble
>these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
>
> He held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly,

>I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then...", he
>sighed, "Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[sike]

Cali, this actually made me laugh!..good job!

[Caliente]

Truisms by Maxine

1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapeños -- you never know what's going to burn your ass.

2) I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they
make as they go flying by.

3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along
without it.

4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't
there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

5) I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?

7) My reality check bounced.

8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape
key.

9) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!

10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.

11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

12) Never argue with an idiot.... They drag you down to their
level then beat you with experience.

13) Be careful . . . a pat on the back is only a few centimeters
from a kick in the butt.

14) Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be
promoted.

15) The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to
get.

16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.

17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

18) Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.

21) I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed
bump.

22) What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it!

23) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine?
It's the one with bite marks on the cap!

[Caliente]

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

[Chiwas]

12) Never argue with an idiot.... They drag you down to their
level then beat you with experience.

Excellent advice!

For a forum...[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They had done so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident, the weekend before finals, they decided to go to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. They had a great time -- however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them each in separate rooms, handed each one a test booklet, and told them to begin. They each looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation.

"Cool," they thought simultaneously, each in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each one finished the first problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

[Scoobay]

>A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a
>parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird.
>
>The parrot says to her,"Hey lady, you are really
>ugly."
>
>Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store
>to her work.
>
>On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window
>and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you
>are really ugly."
>
>She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way
>to work she saw the same parrot and once again it
>said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
>
>The lady was so furious that she stormed into the
>store and threatened to sue the store and have the
>bird killed.
>
>The store manager apologized profusely and promised
>the bird wouldn't say it again.
>
>When the lady walked past the store
>after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady."
>
>She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and
>said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?"
>
>The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a
>cocky manner, said, "You know."

[Scoobay]

>>Several friars at a monastery decided to start a business so they could
>>make donations to a local charity which they deemed a worthy cause.
>>After much deliberation, the friars decided that, due to their
>>gardening expertise, they should start a flower business.
>>After a couple months, the friars' flower business was doing extremely well
>>- so well, in fact, that the local florist was beginning to suffer.
>>The florist, realizing that his livelihood might be in jeopardy,
>>approached the friars and asked them to find another business so that he
>>might continue operating profitably. The friars politely said, "No."
>>After a couple more months, the florist's business was very bad and things
>>looked bleak. Realizing that her son's business was failing, the florist's
>>mother approached the friars and asked them to cease the floral business so
>>that her son could continue. The friars were polite but once again said,
>>"No."
>>A couple months more passed and the local florist had lost most of his
>>customers to the friars. His family was suffering badly since the florist
>>had practically no income. In desperation, the florist hired Hugh McNally,
>>a local strongman to "convince" the friars to stop. Hugh went to the
>>monastery and asked the friars to please discontinue selling flowers
>>because they had taken most of the business of the village florist. Once
>>again, the friars politely said, "No."
>>Hugh, a man of great actions but few words and less temper, beat up a half
>>dozen of the friars. He destroyed their flowers and trampled their
>>gardens. Immediately, the friars had a meeting and decided that it was in
>>everyone's best interests to terminate the business.
>>The moral to this story is very simple:
>>Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[SaltwaterChaffy]

I scanned through most of this thread, sorry if these are repeats.

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.





A batch of muffins are baking in the oven. One muffin turns to the muffin next to him and says "Hot enough for ya?"

The other muffin replies "Holy S**t! A talking muffin!"







My personal fave....


Two goldfish are sitting in a tank. One says to the other, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Caliente]

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to elect a President of the United States and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America>without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty- seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should re-learn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task number 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up halfway through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a U.S. rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are junk, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

[Caliente]

Travel Talk

The following are actual stories told by travel agents.

-----------------------------------------------

I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"

-----------------------------------------------

I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

----------------------------------------------------------------

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."

Her response ... click.

----------------------------------------------------------------

A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

----------------------------------------------------------------

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

----------------------------------------------------------------

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"

I said, "No."

He said "But they look so close on the map."

----------------------------------------------------------------

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one hour layover in Dallas.

When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

----------------------------------------------------------------

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.

I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

----------------------------------------------------------------

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"

I said, "No, why do you ask?"

She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"

After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"

I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

----------------------------------------------------------------

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."

I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.

She said, "Yeah, whatever."

----------------------------------------------------------------

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,

I reminded him he needed a visa.

"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

----------------------------------------------------------------

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York. The agent was at a loss for words.

Finally, the agent said "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

[Caliente]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would
come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
The biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go,
and true to his word, he made contact.

"Mary...Mary...."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.
I have breakfast, I have sex.
I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, I have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

[Caliente]

[Chiwas]

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your “ass” good-bye.

[Drbio]

[Scoobay]

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms
yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this
does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since
Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million
according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate
of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes
there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to
west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree,
eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into
the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8
million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we
know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will
accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2
million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once
every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,
3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-> made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles
per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2
pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is
invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no
more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1)
could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or
even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for
comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous
air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In
short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa,
meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times
greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would
be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion -

If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

[Scoobay]

> Subject: FWD: War of the Sexes (fwd)
>
> This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:
>
> Rebecca <last name deleted> and Gary <last name deleted>
> English 44A
> SMU
> Creative Writing
> Prof Miller
>
> In-class Assignment for Wednesday
>
> Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
> process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his
> or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a
> short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
> paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph,
> and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each
> time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree
> a conclusion has been reached.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
>
> At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
> camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
> reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
> liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
> off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
> him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of
> the question.
>
> Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
> now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than
> the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he
> had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation
> 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit
> established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign
> off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole
> through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
> flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
>
> He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
> one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had
> ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
> hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes
> Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her
> newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.
> She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had
> passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television
> to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful
> things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"
> she pondered wistfully.
>
> Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
> of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
> its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
> the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left
> Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
> determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
> of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
> enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them
> they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile
> entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile
> submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
> inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million
> other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
> "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out
> of the sky!"
>
> This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
> writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
>
> Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
> writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
>
> You total $*&.
>
> Stupid %&#$!.

[Scoobay]

Terminally Stupid

>>>>>> Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an
>>>>>> airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16
>>>>>> bills.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ************************************************** **********
>>>>>>
>>>>>> A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old
>>>>>> friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two
>>>>>> practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ************************************************** **********
>>>>>>
>>>>>> A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety
>>>>>> record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the
>>>>>> use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial
>>>>>> Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial
>>>>>> accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered
>>>>>> minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room.
>>>>>> Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches
>>>>>> after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the
>>>>>> film.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ************************************************** **********
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
>>>>>> weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one
>>>>>> within city limits.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ************************************************** **********
>>>>>>
>>>>>> A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in
>>>>>> St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene,
>>>>>> fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to
>>>>>> complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ************************************************** **********
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years
>>>>>> on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the
>>>>>> 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to
>>>>>> 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the
>>>>>> copier with the shredder.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ************************************************** **********
>>>>>>
>>>>>> A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few
>>>>>> days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for
>>>>>> robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to
>>>>>> see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized
>>>>>> his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse
>>>>>> in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ************************************************** **********
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
>>>>>> placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
>>>>>> wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
>>>>>> placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button
>>>>>> each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
>>>>>> Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
>>>>>> confessed.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ************************************************** **********
>>>>>>
>>>>>> When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan,
>>>>>> refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the
>>>>>> man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so
>>>>>> the robber called the police and was arrested.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ************************************************** **********
>>>>>>
>>>>>> A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking,"
>>>>>> stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an
>>>>>> officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

[Caliente]

ONLY IN WEST VIRGINIA?
( No, some of these are found everywhare!.)

*A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

*How do you know when you're staying in a West Virginia hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the
clerk replies, "Go ahead."

*How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried
tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

*Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West
Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

*What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in West Virginia?
Documentaries.

*Where was the toothbrush invented? West Virginia. If it had been invented
anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

*A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the
driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout whut?"

*Did you hear about the $3 million West Virginia State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

*The governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out
the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books - poof! - up in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of
them.

*A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets divorced,
they are STILL cousins.

LAST AND QUITE POSSIBLY LEAST:
*A guy walked into a bar in West Virginia and orders a mudslide. The
bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?"

"No", replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist", said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a
tax-e-derm-ist?"

The man says, "I mount dead animals".

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar...."It's okay boys, he's
one of us!"

[Caliente]

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,

"Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one Dad." gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks - "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

[Chiwas]

Ask Yourselves These Questions ?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'Its all right." It isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

[Caliente]

Five reasons dogs and cats don't get along:


5. A side effect of dogs' poor vision is that they see cats as laughing demons.

4. Little known fact: Cats are almost exclusively Catholic, and the majority of dogs are Protestant.

3. Dogs just won't let the portrayal of them in Garfield cartoons go.

2. Cats taste just like chicken, and dogs love the taste of chicken.

1. They don't speak the same language, and communication is the key to any relationship.

[Caliente]

TODDLER PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
7. if it looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If it's broken, it's yours.
10. If it's broccoli, it's yours.

[u2sarajevo]

Personally I don't think this joke is very funny... but here goes anyway:

The 2003-2004 Dallas Maverick Road record

[LRB]

Originally posted by: u2sarajevo
Personally I don't think this joke is very funny... but here goes anyway:

The 2003-2004 Dallas Maverick Road record

Sick joke. [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

WHY ASK WHY ???

Why do you need a driver's license to buy
liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane
seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when
smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to
shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no
hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow
get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they
make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat
and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is
the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad
of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's
called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship,
it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on
planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same
substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for
an address, you turn down the volume on the radio

[Caliente]

Things I've learned from Children

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to
spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball
hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it .

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do
not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs
to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build
my house?' "The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he
said...Holy shit! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[sike]

Originally posted by: Caliente

ever so dirty....(did I just say "ever so"?)

[irontoad]

Originally posted by: sike

ever so dirty....(did I just say "ever so"?)

That is so wrong, hahaha...


Anyway, here's one:

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?

A: "If you're ever-ready, I'm frito-lay" [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]

[dallas_esq]

I think John feels good with his feet up in the air.

[Caliente]

Establishment in Philadelphia, PA:
>
> "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS,
> THAN WITH A
> SINGLE AMERICAN"
>
> This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business
> in
> Philadelphia.
>
> You are probably outraged at the thought of such an
> inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups
> from all
> across the country would be marching on this business... And
> that the
> National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds
> back.
>
> But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to
> let the
> Proprietors simply make their statement . . . We are a society
> who holds
> Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And
> after all,
> it is just a sign.
>
> You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
>
>
> Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians didn't have a sense
> of
> humor?)