Post your Chuck Norris Quotes here!

[MavsX]

1.) When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it's not because he's gay, but because he has run out of women.

[Nemesis]

Jack has taken over this bit. Chucky is old news. Sorry.

[irontoad]

My fav was always - "When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris"...

[rmacomic]

Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups. He pushes the earth down.

[Five-ofan]

If you can see chuck norris, Chuck norris can see you. If you cant see chuck norris, you may be only seconds from death.

[Five-ofan]

“mel hacah ne kir du biska chuck norris”—

translation: When they found me in a hole in Iraq, it wasn’t because I was scared of the troops, I heard they had sent Chuck Norris to look for me”.

–Saddam Hussein

[raefformvp]

who is Chuck Norris?

[Usually Lurkin]

Here's two good ones I just read:

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

[Five-ofan]

Originally Posted by Usually Lurkin

Here's two good ones I just read:

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

there are 35 that are good on my blog on myspace(you have to go to the read more blogs thing) and there are more than 200 if you just google them. Personally the sadam one is by far my favorite.

Another one i like,

Chuck Norris is the only man to play russian roulette with a fully loaded gun. And win.

[TheBlueVan]

chuck norris helped us beat the spurs. every time SA would make a run in the playoffs last year we'd start telling chuck norris jokes, then the mavs would come back. we got so superstitious in the playoffs last year, it was atrocious

[Usually Lurkin]

Originally Posted by Five-ofan

there are 35 that are good on my blog on myspace...

I would love to read them. Unfortunately, Chuck Norris is the only human to view a myspace page using a Mac without his computer suspending for 20 minutes.

I found those above at chucknorrisfacts.com

[Five-ofan]

well this isnt that hard to fix, ill just copy and paste them. as for this, this blog was from literally a full year ago and i wasnt that early to the choke norris jokes bandwagon. This is a little late...

1. Before each filming of “Walker: Texas Ranger” Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit Chuck Norris' strength and mobility, in order to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

2. Chuck Norris once round house kicked his son for misbehaving. He hit him so hard it killed him. He brought him back to life with his powers and round house kicked him again for dying.

3. One time, Chuck Norris saw an ant walking off of his California ranch with a bread crumb. He proceeded to deliver a vicious roundhouse kick to the ant’s head. The ant disintegrated. The land surrounding the ant is now referred to as the San Andreas Fault.

4. Chuck Norris’ farts are irresistable to women. This is now canned and know as Axe Body Spray. (For Jake)

5. Contrary to common belief, there indeed was a man on the moon, until Chuck Norris got jealous and roundhouse kicked him in the heart…

6. It took five women three years to give birth to Chuck Norris.

7. When Chuck Norris was in elementary school, he had to write an assay on ‘courage’. He wrote two words; “Chuck Norris”.

8. When Chuck Norris gets cold, his nipples really do cut glass. No…..really.

9. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history

10. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

11. Chuck norris once urinated in a small stream in california this was soon called the great gold rush.

12. No one has ever made eye contact with Chuck Norris. Attempting to do so is asking for a roundhouse kick.

13. Chuck Norris was once drafted by the Arizona Cardinals. Chuck Norris had to be cut when it was clear to the coaches that Chuck Norris kept killing players during practice.

14. Chuck Norris had his Achilles Tendons surgically removed since they imply a source of weakness.

15. Chuck Norris once killed 182 people with only six bullets.

16. Chuck Norris once stumbled upon a website with random facts about himself. Although he was flattered, he sent an email to each person who submitted an untrue fact. Upon opening the email, a leather cowboy boot came through each computer screen and roundhouse kicked everyone within a 30 meter radius. (That is why all of these facts are true)

17. When in combat and under heavy fire, Chuck Norris wears a bullet proof vest. Not because he’s afraid the bullets will kill him, but because he’s a little ticklish.

18. Chuck Norris is the only man to have played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and win.

19. The Titanic didn’t sink because it hit an iceberg…it sunk because it hit chuck norris while he was swimming laps.

20. Chuck Norris’s urine was the main ingredient in Balco’s desgner steroids, therefore Chuck Norris is actually the alltime home run king.

21. Chuck Norris once went to a casino and placed a wooden nickel on a blackjack table. The dealer raised his hand to stop him, but Chuck quickly pulled his arm down and won $4000 on a slot machine.

22.

“mel hacah ne kir du biska chuck norris”—

translation: When they found me in a hole in Iraq, it wasn’t because I was scared of the troops, I heard they had sent Chuck Norris to look for me”.

–Saddam Hussein

23. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

24. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.. chuck norris has not had to pay his taxes ever.

25. When Chuck Norris drinks the water in Mexico the water gets sick.

26. chuck norris “knows” what happened to DB COOPER

27.

when chuck norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to chuck,”excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole”. Chuck norris turned towards the man and said, im chuck norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by chuck norris, chuck norris roundhose kicked him in the face anyways

28. If I had a dime for everytime Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked some one in the face, Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick me in the face and take my dimes.

29. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

30. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.


31. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property

32. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

33. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding

34. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket

35. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night

[Five-ofan]

btw the ways to be a successful evil overlord are as funny as these(to be honest i got them after looking at U2s old sig which used to rotate one of the rules every so often) but they are funny.

[kg_veteran]

Sorry, Nemesis, but Jack Bauer is only alive because Chuck Norris allows it to be so.

There are a lot of really funny Chuck Norris Facts at www.chucknorrisfacts.com. In addition to the ones 5-0 posted, here are a few more:

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

[Usually Lurkin]

this is one of my favorite threads.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

[MavsX]

Originally Posted by Usually Lurkin

this is one of my favorite threads.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

yeah...im glad i started it.

[MavsX]

BTW there is no question that my chuck norris quote is by far the best...number 1 at the top ^^^

[Five-ofan]

Originally Posted by MavsX

BTW there is no question that my chuck norris quote is by far the best...number 1 at the top ^^^

nope, my saddam qoute is definitely the best.

[Locked_Up_Tonight]

And here I thought this was going to be real Chuck Norris quotes from his movies. And speaking of which... here's a few of my favorites from some of his movies:

"Lady, what the hell do you know."

"I can see I have a lot to learn."

"My turn!"

"Why do they always pick on my hat?"

"Never let your woman handle your piece."

"Mine's loaded!"

[Nemesis]

Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

[Nash13]

anybody see his new commercial?

[mqywaaah]

LINK!!! LINK!!!

[Windmill360]

Chuck Norris took a vacation to the Virgin Islands and when he left they were just "The Islands."

[mqywaaah]

Maybe that's what happened to "the Others" on Lost. Did Chuck Norris appear on an episode?

[MFFL]

Chuck made an appearance on Family Guy tonight.

The Norris quote "There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist."

[mqywaaah]

Originally Posted by MFFL

Chuck made an appearance on Family Guy tonight.

The Norris quote "There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist."

LMAO hahaha

[Henry_VIII]

Too bad the Mavs didn't sign Chuck Norris instead of Kevin Willis. The Golden State Warriors would now be known as the Golden State Headlesses.

[bernardos70]

When having sex, Chuck Norris is always on top. Chuck Norris never f*cks up.

[fluid.forty.one]

Chuck Norris beat the Golden State Warriors in the first round.

[MavsX]

Chuck Norris doesn't read books...he stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

[DirkFTW]

Originally Posted by kg_veteran

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

That's not true. I googled it and *YEARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

Last round house kicked by Chuck Norris : 04-10-2008 at 02:45 PM.







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