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[Chiwas]

"Women fall in love through their ears and men through their eyes."

- Woodrow Wyatt

[Chiwas]

"Blessed are those who can give without remembering."

- Elizabeth Bibesco

[sike]

"quit whining"-sike

[Chiwas]

The time is always right to do what is right.

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

[Chiwas]

Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.

- Anonymous

[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]

[Chiwas]

"We get bored cause we get too much fun".

- Huges-Bernard Maret

[OutletPass]

What can be more palpably absurd than the prospect held out of locomotives traveling twice as fast as stagecoaches?

- The Quarterly Review, England (March 1825)

[Chiwas]

It's easy to be admired when one keeps oneself inaccesible.

- André Maurois

[mavsman55]

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

- George W. Bush

[Novice#41]

Men willingly believe what they wish.

-Julius Caesar-



Where I am, I don't know, I'll never know, in the silence you don't know, you must go on, I can't go on, I'll go on.

-Samuel Beckett-



No man is wise enough by himself.

-Titus Maccius Plautus-



Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.

-Charles Dickens-



It is absurd to divide people into good and bad.
People are either charming or tedious.

-Oscar Wilde-

[Psychedelic Fuzz]

"Live every day like it's your last, because one day, you'll be right."

Frank Sinatra

[Chiwas]

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

-Mark Twain

[mavsman55]

"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S.
promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the
Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again."

-Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

[Chiwas]

"The imagination solaces the men about what they can't be. The humor solaces them about what they are."

- Winston Churchill.

[Chiwas]

Fast and Practical Method to Drain Pride

Pride is a particular form of the unability that usually affects authorities, directives, functionaries, etc, but also to doorkeepers, bodyguards, public employees and almost all of those mortal poor dudes who are suddenly blown with a quota of "power". There is some advice to not fall in the temptation: go to the countryside, choose the field that you likes the more, take off your clothes, wait for the night to come. Then cross the fencing trying to not lose the attributes of "power", and walk until you feel that you are in the absolute solitude. Once there, look to the sky and watch the stars. At that moment, you will be seen from the space like a virus on a football. Think then that you are stuck on a very small planet that turns around the sun, and that the sun is nothing else that a small star among the million stars that you are seeing. Remember in addition that our galaxy is one of the thousands of galaxies that for several million years have been traveling and turning through the space. Once this is done, place the hands at your waist showing a challenging attitude, or adopt any other position that make you able to display the "immense power" that was conferid to you. Swelling the vein of the neck, shout with all the voice. . . "I AM REALLY SOMEBODY TRULY POWERFUL". Wait for the result. . . if you see that some stars are changing their bright, don't worry too much. . . It is God, that sometimes cannot hide the magnificent laughter.

- Anonymous.

[Chiwas]

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.

-Winnie the Pooh

[sike]

"I miss bill" - Bo Dauster

[MavsFanatik33]

“We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. Our heads weigh more.”
-- Vlade Divac

[MavsFanatik33]

"Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those that never win AND never quit are idiots"
-Unknown

[Caliente]

"If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around."
— Will Rogers

[MavsFanatik33]

"Meow"
-Caliente

[sike]

"whatever a man loves, that is his god. For he carries it in his heart; he goes about with it night and day; he sleeps and wakes with it, be it what it may ---wealth or self, pleasure or renown." Martin Luther....yeah, he had it pretty well figured out.

[MavsFanatik33]

*bump*
"I'm so old I remember Preperation A"
-73 year old Marlins manager Jack McKeon

[Chiwas]

"Democracy is a government of the people, for the people, by the people".

- Abraham Lincoln.

[Evilmav2]

"Would that the Roman people had a single neck to lop off."
-Gaius Caligula (From Suetonius, 12 Caesars)

[DCowboysGal]

"Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back..." - Steven Wright

[u2sarajevo]

Ahhhh... the greatness of Steven Wright.

"I bought some powdered water.... but I don't know what to add."

[DCowboysGal]

"Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country..." - S. Wright

[u2sarajevo]

"All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand" - S. Wright

[Chiwas]

"Ask not what you can do for your country: Ask what your country can do for you".

- Lazious Anonimous

[mavsman55]

"I have trouble deciding whether someone is a punk-ass bitch or a bitch-ass punk."

-The Great Ralphie May-

[Psychedelic Fuzz]

Interviewer: You have long hair. Does that make you a woman?

Frank Zappa: You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?

[Evilmav2]

"From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put."
-Sir Winston Churchill

[Chiwas]

"An exhaustive scientific study of myself and two friends finds that computer users are getting older every day..."

- Scott Dun (within an article of PC World).

[withoutmalice]

I always remember the last words of my grandfather who said, "A truck!"

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Oh, yes...I've tried my hand at sex. .

I'm so proud. I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Ok lady, you can have your purse back..."

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

- The incomparable Emo Phillips

[DCowboysGal]

"I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

"Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!"

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh!""

"I went to a 24-hr convenience store, but the clerk was putting up the "closed" sign. I asked the guy, "How come it's not open? It's says it's open 24 hours!" The clerk said, "Well, not in a row....""

- the equally loquacious Steven Wright...

[mavsman55]

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

-The Greatness that is Jack Handy-

[Psychedelic Fuzz]

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera...


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

-the genius of Mitch Hedberg

[twelli]

Woody Allen:

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.

I'm such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

[EricaLubarsky]

When I was a kid I laid in my twin size bed and wondered where my brother was.

I saw this Wino eating grapes- I said, 'dude, you gotta wait.

I bought a house. It's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you? F#ck you real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching tv.

I went to a doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.

You know people think I'm into sports because Im a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but thats as far as I go. By the way you don't have to be sweating and holding a basketball to be enjoying it. You can be just a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips in some time. Can I have a Gatorade too or does that lightning bolt mean no?

I was going to get a candy bar and the button I was supposed to push was "hh" so I went to the sign, I found the "h" button and I pushed it twice. F*cken potato chips came out, man, because they had an "hh" button for chrissakes. You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "hh". I did not learn my AABBCCs. G@d g@d damnit damnit!

I saw on HBO they were advertising this boxing match. They said, "its a fight to the finish." That's a good place to end.

Hey man I went to the home depot you know the other day, which was unneccessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big wherehouse where people stand around and say "hey, we don't have to fix sh!t."

Mitch Hedberg