Need Advice (serious thread) - Dallas-Mavs.com Forums

Nash13 · 01-04-2008, 01:47 AM

This isn't normal message board talk. I'm in an unusual situation, and i feel like there's nobody i know who would be able to give me good advice on the subject, so i want to hear some people's neutral opinions.

There's this girl that i've kinda been talking to for about 3 months (since the end of September). We started talking about a month after she got out of a 2 year relationship. We first kissed about a month after we started talking. The day after, she tells me she thinks she wants to get back with the other guy. So a few weeks go by (around early to mid November), and we eventually start making out again and other things which isn't up for discussion. Now all of a sudden, she doesn't want to be with the other guy, but doesn't want to start a new relationship. And about less than 2 weeks ago, she completely stops being intimate with me on top of not wanting a relationship, but she says she loves me as more than a friend. She says she needs more time to get over her last relationship, even though it's been over 4 months now. I've tried to break it off twice, and she begs me to stay around.

So my question is, what should i do? I really love this girl, but it kills me everytime i see and talk to her. What would you do?

LonghornDub · 01-04-2008, 02:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nash13

This isn't normal message board talk. I'm in an unusual situation, and i feel like there's nobody i know who would be able to give me good advice on the subject, so i want to hear some people's neutral opinions.

There's this girl that i've kinda been talking to for about 3 months (since the end of September). We started talking about a month after she got out of a 2 year relationship. We first kissed about a month after we started talking. The day after, she tells me she thinks she wants to get back with the other guy. So a few weeks go by (around early to mid November), and we eventually start making out again and other things which isn't up for discussion. Now all of a sudden, she doesn't want to be with the other guy, but doesn't want to start a new relationship. And about less than 2 weeks ago, she completely stops being intimate with me on top of not wanting a relationship, but she says she loves me as more than a friend. She says she needs more time to get over her last relationship, even though it's been over 4 months now. I've tried to break it off twice, and she begs me to stay around.

So my question is, what should i do? I really love this girl, but it kills me everytime i see and talk to her. What would you do?

If you meant the part I bolded, you already know the answer. Don't let her get away.

chumdawg · 01-04-2008, 02:23 AM

How much do you see her and talk to her in the course of everyday business?

alby · 01-04-2008, 02:29 AM

Why do you love her? (serious question)

rabbitproof · 01-04-2008, 02:39 AM

Live your life and be yourself. Be respectful of her.

She will go to you if she wants to be there.

chumdawg · 01-04-2008, 02:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nash13

This isn't normal message board talk. I'm in an unusual situation, and i feel like there's nobody i know who would be able to give me good advice on the subject, so i want to hear some people's neutral opinions.

There's this girl that i've kinda been talking to for about 3 months (since the end of September). We started talking about a month after she got out of a 2 year relationship. We first kissed about a month after we started talking. The day after, she tells me she thinks she wants to get back with the other guy. So a few weeks go by (around early to mid November), and we eventually start making out again and other things which isn't up for discussion. Now all of a sudden, she doesn't want to be with the other guy, but doesn't want to start a new relationship. And about less than 2 weeks ago, she completely stops being intimate with me on top of not wanting a relationship, but she says she loves me as more than a friend. She says she needs more time to get over her last relationship, even though it's been over 4 months now. I've tried to break it off twice, and she begs me to stay around.

So my question is, what should i do? I really love this girl, but it kills me everytime i see and talk to her. What would you do?

Okay, I've given this thing some serious thought. I know that you are around eighteen years old, and despite the fact that I as well as many others on the board would kill to be eighteen again, I think we can give some appropriate advice.

The fact that you have done other things which aren't "up for discussion" leads me to believe that you have been quite intimate with this girl.

If the two of you have done what I think you have done, just tell her that you are not interested in any more intimate acts if her attention is still focused on her ex. She will admire that you are sensitive in that way. Other than that, I don't know what I can tell you.

Dirkadirkastan · 01-04-2008, 03:32 AM

Hmmm. Profile says he's 22...

chumdawg · 01-04-2008, 03:35 AM

Crap, if you're 22, then there's always this strategy:

For every one that won't, there's three that will.

Best of luck to you!

LonghornDub · 01-04-2008, 03:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chumdawg

For every one that won't, there's three that will.

Classic.

Usually Lurkin · 01-04-2008, 05:11 AM

stay away from the drama. 3 months is not enough time to fall in love with someone. Especially if they are mixed up with getting over someone. Chum's post has good advice - his first one. Take a step back. If you don't both enter into something with clear heads, it's too easy for bad stuff to result.

Flacolaco · 01-04-2008, 09:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Usually Lurkin

stay away from the drama. 3 months is not enough time to fall in love with someone. Especially if they are mixed up with getting over someone. Chum's post has good advice - his first one. Take a step back. If you don't both enter into something with clear heads, it's too easy for bad stuff to result.

UL is wise.

A buddy of mine got jerked around by some chick like that, and it ended up costing him about 2 years of his life he could have otherwise spent doing other things (or other people, depending on your outlook) But hey, if you're really "in love", you're probably gonna stick around a while longer and see how it plays out.

Big Boy Laroux · 01-04-2008, 09:34 AM

i agree with the posters above. This needs to start with you. You need to really examine your feelings.

Do you really love her? Or is it just infatuation, or possibly even just physical desire?

When she's not around, do you miss her? And not just miss her body, or the making out - do you miss her presence, just being around her and talking with her?

i think it's a great idea to just remove physicality from it entirely. People always think women are desired more when they play hard to get. I can tell you that when men play hard to get, it drives most women crazy as well.

There's no reason to waste years of your life on something that won't pan out. I realize that not all relationships end up in marriage. you learn from the relationships you've been in. but there's no reason to stay in a bad relationship just to continue to learn how NOT to be in a relationship. You guys already started off on a bad foot when she was waffling back and forth between you and the ex. That's never a good sign.

TripleDipping · 01-04-2008, 10:38 AM

You won't like hearing this but here goes:

She's not into you. When I say "you" I mean the inner you, the part of you who wants a serious relationship. You guys might have been sexually intimate with each other but her actions are telling me that she's a flake who is still attached to her ex. And what that leaves you? A rebound, a reserve, a backup. Anything BUT a steady bf type.

Trust me, I've seen my fair share of girls who are in this "newly broken up so not ready for new relationship but I still want you to be around just in case" situation. I'm not saying that you don't have a chance, but why not go explore other girls instead of bogging yourself down with this one?

Male30Dan · 01-04-2008, 11:12 AM

It just depends on whether you really love her or not. Love is worth fighting for in my humble opinion, but only if that love really exists. Lust is not love. Infatuation is not love. Be sure before making any decision.

If you truly do love her and, as BBL said, if you truly miss her personality and company when away from her, fight for her. Lay out your feelings to her and give her the option. Be direct and firm so she knows she can't continue to treat you the way she has. Let her know she must make a decision and commit - either way. If she chooses to provide more to you like you want - great. If she says no - also great in its own way as this prevents you from continuing down this path you are on now. Either way you know how she truly feels and you can move on with or without her.

On the other hand, if it isn't love, get out man. Seriously. Don't fight for a person that you are in lust with. Lust is a funny thing. It comes and goes and is never dependable. Don't fight for anything like that.

Just my 2 cents.

AxdemxO · 01-04-2008, 11:34 AM

I was in a similar situation and for a while and I tell you over time it doesnt get any better. You think things change but they dont, and the drama gets too deep and the whole situation becomes wayy too complicated and confusing. Wht you have to make sure is that you have a deep one on one conversation wit her telling her everything. Whn you do that it makes you feel better no matter what because u put it all out there. IMO you should be nice about it and slowly distance urself from her, it can be reall hard if u get that special feeling whn you are around her, but its best for the long run, Good luk

AxdemxO · 01-04-2008, 11:35 AM

Ohh and trust me this is true

" LOVE is NOT always enough"

alby · 01-04-2008, 11:39 AM

you are more than just insurance.

sike · 01-04-2008, 12:00 PM

I read most of the comments above and agree with the basic idea of many of them...

ultimately if a person loves another person they will do all they can to show it....just saying "I love you" means nothing if not backed up by actual love. People (intentionally or unintentionally) use the term "love" as a crutch to keep the more interested party hooked...

I agree that you should take a step back and do what is best for you before you consider doing what this young lady wants...she is obviously mixed up about what she wants...and from what I've seen that is the most dangerous kind of person to be in any kind of way involved romantically.

If its me, I take a step back and evaluate all the details...and not just listen to the jargon...don't just hear what she says...but look at what she has done and is doing...does she act as a person who loves you or someone else?

Also...don't confuse sex with love...just because a gal will become physically intimate does NOT mean she loves the guy...she is obviously very hurt by past relationships...and hurt people turn to all kinds of things to numb the pain.

I hope you find peace bro...and in time, love.

jacktruth · 01-04-2008, 12:25 PM

Sadly, when a person is presented with multiple options and they don't know which one they want, they won't choose until they have to. They generally won't learn until they lose.

Also, chances are that when a person can't decide between two people, it means that neither one is the person for them, but they can't let go of thier fear of being alone.

ShaggyDirk · 01-04-2008, 12:35 PM

The Mavs are doomed! I am so gloomy today.

AxdemxO · 01-04-2008, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jacktruth

Sadly, when a person is presented with multiple options and they don't know which one they want, they won't choose until they have to. They generally won't learn until they lose.

Also, chances are that when a person can't decide between two people, it means that neither one is the person for them, but they can't let go of thier fear of being alone.

couldnt say it better...nice

Big Boy Laroux · 01-04-2008, 12:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sike

People (intentionally or unintentionally) use the term "love" as a crutch to keep the more interested party hooked...

Saying "I love you" is also a great way to get a girl into bed. You can always say later that she misunderstood you.

Jack.Kerr · 01-04-2008, 12:56 PM

Step away quickly, young man.

This is not just a matter of determining what YOU want either. It's about determining how likely she is to be able to provide it. You can know what you want, but if she isn't able to provide it, it will end up in tears and wailing and gnashing of teeth.

This actually happened to me once, when I was about your age in fact. I got to be a summer fill-in after my roommate's sister broke up with her boyfriend. Hell, even my roommate tried to warn me about her. In retrospect, I've had worse summers, but at the time it was a bitter pill.

I have a couple of close female acquaintances who fit this behavior pattern too. Find a boyfriend, break up, can't stand to be alone, find another one. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. They're great individuals to have as friends, but God I'd never want to be trying to date one of them.

You've gotten some surprisingly good advice in this thread. Be intelligent enough to take it.

rabbitproof · 01-04-2008, 01:00 PM

We are an unromantic but realistic bunch.

We will do well together, board.

sike · 01-04-2008, 01:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rabbitproof

We will do well together, board.

I saw her first, bunny!

sike · 01-04-2008, 01:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big Boy Laroux

Saying "I love you" is also a great way to get a girl into bed. You can always say later that she misunderstood you.

what would tell her you actually said?...."I love yoohoo"....the drink?

Flacolaco · 01-04-2008, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rabbitproof

We are an unromantic but realistic bunch.

We will do well together, board.

In the last two days, we've been talking about losing weight, and relationships in The Lounge.

Sports.

dalmations202 · 01-04-2008, 03:19 PM

Personally, you will hate this advice, but move on.

I've been married nearly 17 years and have 6 kids, and got this advice at 21 from my great uncle, and he was right.

Find the girl that Loves you for you, who is your friend (best friend), who you want to spend the rest of your life with --- then decide and get physical after marriage. If she doesn't love you, it doesn't matter how much you love her -- there is only pain to be found. Your feelings of "love" really don't matter, because true love takes 2.

Move on. Either she will realize that she really loves you, and come back and work things out (not in bed), or she will find another rebound guy and make him miserable wondering this same thing.

At 21 I got this advice and took it, at 22 met my wife, and 23 I was married, and have been ever since. I expect us to last till death do we part -- and so does she.

Big Boy Laroux · 01-04-2008, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sike

what would tell her you actually said?...."I love yoohoo"....the drink?

that works. I mean, who doesn't love yoohoo?

Big Boy Laroux · 01-04-2008, 03:41 PM

Flac, this is the lounge - no sports talk here.

Flacolaco · 01-04-2008, 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big Boy Laroux

Flac, this is the lounge - no sports talk here.

Sorry.

I think what someone said about her "fear of being alone" was very significant. In my experience, a lot of women fear that above all else. You don't want to be her backup. Like Dalm said, move on. If she needs you, she's going to let you know. And if she doesn't at least you'll have ended things on your own terms.

AxdemxO · 01-04-2008, 04:38 PM

Sooo guys i am compiling this into a little book : ) about this type of advice

MavsX · 01-04-2008, 04:56 PM

abort!

MavsX · 01-04-2008, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flacolaco

In the last two days, we've been talking about losing weight, and relationships in The Lounge.

Sports.

its because the god d*amn mavs have played 2 games in like 10 days. Its bullsh*t!

Rhylan · 01-04-2008, 06:09 PM

I hereby nominate this thread for the hall of fame.

My two cents is to move on... girls like this are not worth the trouble for guys who are willing to get emotionally invested. Sounds like a major lack of maturity on her part.

mary · 01-04-2008, 06:30 PM

I also think its time to end it. If there's this much drama early on, just imagine what it would be like if you hooked up another five, ten, ever- how-many years.

Enjoy your twenties - you'll never get them back.

My advice is to be respectful, but your stand your ground. Don't let her guilt you into staying around just because she is miserable.

StackAttack · 01-04-2008, 06:45 PM

I'm going to say move on. Honestly, I'd be completely turned off at this point if she's still moping about the other guy.

Then again, I'm 15 years old, what the hell do I know.

Thespiralgoeson · 01-04-2008, 07:12 PM

I think you've got to keep your distance for now. If she's still getting over someone else, and isn't sure what she wants, then getting anymore serious with her than you already have will only lead to heartbreak. Trust me, this is something I know all too well from personal experience. It is never a good idea to get seriously involved with someone who's not ready for it. Now if at some point in the future she decides she's over it and still wants you, then I say go for it. But until that happens, keep your distance, and above all keep your cool. You may love this girl, but bottom line, you've got to take care of yourself and do what's best for you.

Ummmmm Ok · 01-04-2008, 10:02 PM

friends with benefits?

Nash13 · 01-05-2008, 03:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chumdawg

How much do you see her and talk to her in the course of everyday business?

I talk to her at least 2-3 times a day. We normally hang out about 2-3 times a week.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chumdawg

Okay, I've given this thing some serious thought. I know that you are around eighteen years old, and despite the fact that I as well as many others on the board would kill to be eighteen again, I think we can give some appropriate advice.

The fact that you have done other things which aren't "up for discussion" leads me to believe that you have been quite intimate with this girl.

If the two of you have done what I think you have done, just tell her that you are not interested in any more intimate acts if her attention is still focused on her ex. She will admire that you are sensitive in that way. Other than that, I don't know what I can tell you.

Yeah i'm definitely 22.

We did whatever you probably think we did. And right now, we're not intimate. She decided not to do anything else b/c she felt like she's leading me on.