More jokes..

[DCowboysGal]

A guy gets invited to a costume party but doesn't know what to wear. He finally gets a bright idea and goes to the party. The host opens the door and sees the guy standing there with no shirt or socks on. He asks the guy, "What the hell are you supposed to be?" "A premature ejaculation," the guys says. "I just came in my pants..."

A blonde comes home to find her place has been robbed. She runs over to her neighbour's and asks the neighbour to dial 911. "Why couldn't you just have dialed 911 on your phone?" the neighbour asks the blonde. "My phone doesn't have the number "911" on it..." the blonde says.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." His wife, being the tolerant person she was, let it slide. The next morning the man woke his wife and pinched her breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." His wife rolled over and grabbed him by the penis and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother..."

[twelli]

An American business man makes a trip to Japan. In a dance club he meets a local girl, they like each other, you know, and soon find their way to a hotel room. While making love, the Japanese girls starts shouting "hai to, hai to". He thinks, "she really must be enjoying it".
Next day, while on the golf course, his Japanese business partner makes a great shot. To impress his host he shouts "hai to".
The Japanese partner turns around „What do you mean, 'Wrong Hole'?"

[Chiwas]

The women game of basketball finished. The players went to the locker room and started to shower, when the referee entered the baths. Yelling, the players ran to cover themselves what the moral sends a woman to hide to the strange glance. "This surprises me -says the ref-, weren't you all the game shouting to me that I was blind?".

[Caliente]

A blonde buys a plane ticket to Miami. (It's a coach Ticket). When she gets on the plane she sits in first class. The steward who checks tickets says, "I'm so sorry, this is a coach ticket and your sitting in 1st class." "I can do What-eva I want, I'm a blonde." Well I'll get the pilot. The pilot comes and whispers in the blondes ear and she leaves. The steward looks amazed and says," What did you say?" The pilot simply says," I told her 1st class wasn't going to Miami, just coach was!!!"

[Chiwas]

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She is gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life."

Poof! He is gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

[MavKikiNYC]

A Chiwas sighting!.....

Rumor had it that you and Sweets had run off to San Francisco together, and that you were working as Eddie's houseboy.

Glad you came back home for Christmas.

[Chiwas]

Thanks, Kiki. The closest to the rumor I am is this: I'm going to attend the game Worriers-Bulls at January 10th in Chicago. Not the best month to visit that city but, who said that work has to be always fun?

Greetings.

[twelli]

this board is just not the same without Chiwas' jokes and hot babes...

[Chiwas]

Oops, wrong thread. Something to arrange it:

"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."
Paul Newman.

[Caliente]

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (I wish I had!)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Chiwas]

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

This is not a joke.

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

The one bewtween D and M? [img]i/expressions/anim_shocked.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

COWS, THE CONSTITUTION AND THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

COWS, Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You simply cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

[Caliente]

This one is for you Chiwas.............[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?


1. Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole live
Ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out
bulb?

2. Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler:
Make me.

5. Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd:
I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark,
check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more
perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of
the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

13. Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Sheep Dog:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

15. Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the
time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

[Chiwas]

Ah, my beautiful Cal, thanks.

How dogs and men are the same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

7. Neither does any dishes.

8. Both fart shamelessly.

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

10. Both like dominance games.

11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

[Caliente]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around
the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So
is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love
you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks,"Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home
after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture,
puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the
door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a
rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies,
"Oh THAT!...

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants
off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

[Caliente]

This one's for you Drbio.............[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]


A guy gets a call from a golfing buddy who asks if he can play today.

He replies, "I am the master of my home and can play golf whenever I want . . . . . .but hold on a minute while I find out if I want to."

[Caliente]

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way", said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

[Caliente]

BEST IRISH JOKE

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's
only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Caliente]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

[Caliente]

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.....
by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts

[Caliente]

She was so blonde that...

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were committed around the home, she moved.

It took her months to figure out she could use her AM radio at night.

She was staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "concentrate"

She thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.

She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.

When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around & went home.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

Under education on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

She studied for a blood test and failed.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

She sold her car so she would have gas money.

She looked into a box of Cheerio's and said, "OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!"

She had to leave her job at the pharmacy because she couldn't fit the prescription bottle in the typewriter.

What's the definition of "eternity?" 4 blondes at a 4-way stop

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.

What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This goes in front."

Why did the blonde nurse bring a red marker to work? She thought she'd have to draw blood.

[twelli]

One Saturday morning a man gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, puts on his long johns grabs his dog and hooks up his boat to the wagon.
When he pulls out of the garage the rain is pouring down, there's snow and sleet mixed in with the rain and the wind is howling. He returns to the garage, quietly goes back into the house to watch the weather channel and the report is for more bad weather.
He decides to undress and quietly slip back into bed with the wife, snuggles up with anticipation and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible".
"Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?" she says.

[Ninkobei]

this never existed..

[twelli]

Originally posted by: Ninkobei
So wait, the guy she is having an affair with also wants to go fishing? Seems like a bad idea to bring your boat over to another man's house whoms wife you're having an affair with. anyway its a joke I should probably let these small details go. ha RDRR

???

[Caliente]

Dear Employees,
It has been brought to managements attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with there co workers. Due to complaints recieved from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accuartely express your feelings when communicating with co workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New & Innovative "Try Saying" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) Try Saying: I think you could use more training.
Instead of: You don't know what the f----k you are doing!
2) Try Saying: She's an aggressive go getter.
Instead of: She's a ball busting b--ch!
3) Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
Instead Of: No f---ing way!
4) Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the f--k do you expect me to do this?
5) Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: You've go to be sh---ing me!
6) Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with....
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a sh--!
7) Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of: It's not my f---ing problem.
8) Try Saying: That's Interesting.
Instead Of: What the f--k.
9) Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
Instead Of: This sh-- won't work.
10) Try Saying: I'll try to schedule that
Instead of: Why the f--k didn't you tell me sooner.
11) Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issue.
Instead Of: He's got his head up his a--!
12) Try Saying: Excuse me, sir.
Instead Of: Eat Sh-- & Die!
13) Try Saying: So you were not happy with it.
Instead Of: Kiss My A--!
14) Try Saying: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
Instead Of: F--k It, I'm on salary!
15) Try Saying: I don't think you understand.
Instead Of: Shove It Up Your A--!
16) Try Saying: I love a challenge.
Instead Of: This job sucks.
17) Try Saying: You want me to take care of that?
Instead Of: Who the hell died and made you boss?
18) Try Saying: He's somewhat insensitive.
Instead of: He's a pr--k!

Thank You!

Management

[Caliente]

My Mother Taught Me About

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING. . ..
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

4. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE. . .
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"`

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand." And last but not least...

12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"

[Caliente]

Redneck IQ Test

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I
challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in
your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons
of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense
the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of
the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3
acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers
will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone
layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field
rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The
porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many
hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown
children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope
on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic
conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a
vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine
employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during
this shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation,
how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate
highway to breed a country and western singer?

I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay
if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you... There's a hole heap
of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southerly
advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... Next time you are too
drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they
go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.

[Arne]

There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President. She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die". So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".

The boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag ..."

[Arne]

Cheney gets a call from his "boss", W.

"I've got a problem," says W.

"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.

"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.

"A big rooster," replies W.

"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."

So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. W points at the jigsaw on his desk.

Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to W and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."

[Arne]

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[Arne]

A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer.

Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young George Bush is a post turtle."

Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?"

Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he cain't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down."

[Chiwas]

Originally posted by: Arne
...

Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young George Bush is a post turtle."
...

At first I thought it said "prost titute".