More jokes..

[OutletPass]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[Caliente]

Reasons to stay single ...........by men

Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.

I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.

I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.

I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".

I'd be painting the town instead of the house.

When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.

I could show my girlfriend where I live.

I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.

The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.

I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.

I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!

I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.

I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.

You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!

Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.

Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.

I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.

I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.

I could use my own name at hotels.

I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.

When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!".

[Caliente]

The science of drinking.

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.


Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.................


Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.


Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.


Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!


Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.


THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay

[Caliente]

15 Reasons Why Choccolate Is Better Than Sex

1. You can GET chocolate.
2.Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
3. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
5. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
6. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
7. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
8. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
9. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
10. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
11. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
12.You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
13. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
14. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake
15. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good

[Caliente]

The day arrives and Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is at the
Pearly Gates and met by St. Peter. The gates, however, are closed, and
Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St Peter says,"Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We
have heard a lot about you. I must tell you though that the place is
filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination to
everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get
into heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter, sir.
Tain't nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam, though. Shore hope the
test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter says, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only 3
questions........
First: What 2 days of the week begin with the letter "T"?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?
Forrest says, "Well the first one....which 2 days in the week begin
with the letter T? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.
The saint's eyes open wide, and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I
was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so
I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? How many
seconds are there in a year?"
Now that one's harder", says Forrest, but I guess the only answer can be
12."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how do you
come up with 12 seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there's gotta be 12: January 2nd, February
2nd, March 2nd........"
Hold it", interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and
I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind
..........but
I'll have to give you credit for that one too. Let's go on with the third
and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
"Sure", replied Forrest. "It's Andy".
Andy?!", replied an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.
O.K.,I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first 2
questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as
the first name of God?"
Shucks, that was the easiest one of all", Forrest replied.
I learnt it from the song.... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN...."
St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and says, "Run, Forrest, Run"

[Caliente]

30 harsh things to say to a naked guy:

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Awww, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
(giggle and point)
11.Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14.This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me really drunk first....
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

[OutletPass]

There was a romantic full harvest moon rising on the eastern horizon. Ma and Pa, both in their seventies, were enjoying the beautiful autumn evening together, sitting on their front porch swing, rocking gently.

Suddenly, Pa turned his head and said to Ma, "Screw you, Ma!"
A minute or two went by. Then Ma turned her head toward Pa and calmly replied, "Screw you, Pa."
Again, another minute passed, and Pa said to Ma, "Screw you, Ma."
Another minute went by, and Ma said to Pa, "Screw you, Pa."
Yet another minute elapsed, and Pa responded to Ma, "Screw you, Ma."
A minute later, Ma said to Pa, "Screw you, Pa."
There was no reply - just complete silence for several minutes.

Then, Pa turned to Ma and said, "I don't know about you Ma, but I really don't get too much out of this oral sex!"

[Caliente]

Women vs Men

1. NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

14. AND FINALLY... A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[Chiwas]

[Caliente]

1. How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

2. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Not one will stop to ask directions.

4. What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

5. How does a man show he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

6. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds eventually mature.

7. Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.

10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

11. Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[irontoad]

Uh, how many different jokes threads do we really need in the lounge here??

[Caliente]

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they

could eat no more.

"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
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"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

[Chiwas]

[I guess this might not be a joke, but here it goes anyway [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]]

Mars & Venus on Earth

A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of commitment that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90 day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

Roger, Elaine says aloud.

What? says Roger, startled.

Please don't torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have .. Oh God, I feel so...(She breaks down, sobbing.)

What? says Roger. I'm such a fool, Elaine sobs. I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.

There's no horse? says Roger.

You think I'm a fool, don't you? Elaine says.

No! says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time, Elaine says.

(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes" he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger", she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, _expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, you've known Elaine longer than I have. Did she ever own a horse?"

[Caliente]

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine.

The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning.

I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat.

Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.

We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.

One was driving and the other two were in the back.

The driver got out.

He rolled down the window and swam to safery.

The other 2 drowned.

They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time.

Nothing much happened.

If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

[ISmellmyTshirts]

Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar, doing what he does best--philosophising. He's had a few pints of ale over the course of the evening, and it's now last call. The bartender asks him if he wants another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and promptly vanishes.

[EricaLubarsky]

A man gets off work early and when he gets home he asks his wife, "do you wanna have a quicky?". The wife replies, "you mean the last 10 years I had a choice?"

[Caliente]

A guy goes into a bar. Hes sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - theres nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."

The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "Whats with the nuts?"

"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."

[u2sarajevo]

Why did the skeleton cross the road?

[MikeB]

Jesus is Watching you!
In a big old country house, a thief was filling his swag bag with expensive jewelry when this little voice says “Jesus is watching you!” Startled, he spins around but sees no one. Telling himself that he's hearing things, he continues with the raid. “Jesus is watching you!” the voice was louder this time. Wide eyed, the thief scans the room and finds a small parrot perched on a stand. “Can you talk?” he asks the parrot. “Of course I can” the parrot squawks. “What do they call you then?” the thief grins; relieved he’s not been rumbled. “Cecil” the parrot informs. “Cecil? What asshole gave you a stupid name like Cecil?” The parrot dips his head to the side and screeches: “The same asshole who named the Rottweiler Jesus!”

[u2sarajevo]

Originally posted by: u2sarajevo
Why did the skeleton cross the road?

Was this joke ignored? Or does no one care to know the answer?

[Smiles]

Originally posted by: u2sarajevo

Was this joke ignored? Or does no one care to know the answer?

i don't know it [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-blush.gif[/img]

[MikeB]

I guess it was maybe not "ignored"...but quite possibly overlooked accidentally[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-shocked.gif[/img]

Why DID the skeleton cross the road?

[u2sarajevo]

Originally posted by: MikeB
I guess it was maybe not "ignored"...but quite possibly overlooked accidentally[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-shocked.gif[/img]

Why DID the skeleton cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken.

[MikeB]

Okayyyyyyy....hahahha

Naughty Woman
An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid- rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographer, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting office is waiting with her personal effects.

He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake." "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him." I noticed the "choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Smiles]

Originally posted by: u2sarajevo

He was stapled to the chicken.

My godsh, that is gross! *shudder*

[MikeB]

Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out...
...so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.

The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.

The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[LRB]

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5 . Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favours"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10.Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
11 Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Hard"
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going to Have To Let One Of You Go.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile..
Its Called Therapy....

[LRB]

The Nude Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining.

[cheesestar]

something i got from a friend through email:

The following are purported to be actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

[Caliente]

Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

10 - Being told to "think outside the box" when you are in a freaking' box all day long.

9 - Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.

8 - Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun.

7 - That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese.

6 - Lack of roof rafters for the noose

5 - The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right

4 - 23 power cords - one outlet

3 - Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.

2 - The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your coworkers.

And...the number 1 drawback to working in a cubicle------------------------------

YOU CAN'T SLAM THE DOOR AND WALK OUT WHEN YOU QUIT!

[Caliente]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who
was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father
took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring
your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll
talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they
could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study
where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought
your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your
hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair,
Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."

[EricaLubarsky]

It's still fun to make "Clinton is a whore" jokes.

Al Gore and Bill Clinton are talking about premarital sex and Al Gore says to Clinton,

" I never had sex with my wife before we were married. did you?"

and Clinton replies,

"I don't know. what was Tipper's maiden name?"

[mavsman55]

I apologize in advance for the language:

A man walks into a bar, absolutely infuriated. He grabs a seat and hunches over. The bartender leans over, sayin "What can I get'ya". The man orders a beer. As the bartender gives him the beer he asks him why he's in such a mood. The man replies saying " Lawyers are assholes man." Suddenly, a man in the back stood up. "HEY BUDDY, I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT!" The man sitting down scowels and says "What are you a lawyer?" The man replies "NO, IM AN ASSHOLE".

[LRB]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street
when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male
dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the
one to reach
her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the
same time. The
males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on
themselves
and hoping for just a glance from her in return.


Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the
three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them
"The first one who
can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an
imaginative,
intelligent sentence can go out with me."


The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and
says, "I love liver and
cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no
imagination or
intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall, shiny Great Dane and said "How
well can you do?

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Great Dane.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless.
That's just as dumb as
the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,
"How about you,
little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame
and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her
a smile, a
sly wink, turns to the Great Dane and the Lab and says
....


"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[Caliente]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it and said,"Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and
only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home."

[MikeB]

The Times We Live In...
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

[Caliente]

Ain't It The Truth.....
>
>
>
> 1.Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
> own pants.
>
> 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
>
> 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said,
> Implants?" She hit me.
>
> 4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
>
> 5. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
>
> 6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
> elected.
>
> 7. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
> you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
>
> 8. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words
>
> ....Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
>
> 9. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend
> will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"-
>
> 10. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
> clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up
> in the first place!
>
> 11. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky
> dunk."
>
> 12. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
> the difference.
>
> 13. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
>
> 14. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they
> can in prison?
>
> 15. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT
> cells live forever.
>
> 16. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten
> Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
>
> 17. Bumper sticker of the year "If you can read this, thank a
> teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier.
>

[twelli]

Where do you find a dog with no legs?



Right where you left it.

[twelli]

and one more

..a blonde woman driving a red sports car was pulled over for speeding by a police officer who was also a blond .. the police officer asked the blonde driver for her drivers license.. the driver asked the police officer what her drivers license looked like..
..the police officer told the driver it was rectangular and had her picture on it..
..the blonde driver rummaged through her purse, found her mirror compact and decided it was what the officer wanted and handed it to her..
..the police officer took it, looked at it, smiled and handed it back..saying to her...
"gee, I didn't know your were a cop too"...

[Caliente]

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat