ESPN Bill Simmon's latest re: Dirk - Dallas-Mavs.com Forums

Eman · 05-05-2006, 02:28 PM

Dirk Nowitzki. Simply annihilated Pau Gasol in their head-to-head matchup to clinch "Best Foreign Big Man Alive" honors, capped off by a Bird-like 3 to send Game 3 into overtime and pave the way for an eventual Dallas sweep. I like how he added that sneering, Detlef-like German swagger this season; it's pushed him to another level. You can almost imagine Hans Gruber yelling at him to go find John McLane in the Nakatomi building, followed by Dirk calmly saying, "I vill find him," and reloading a massive machine gun. Or maybe not.

very funny

rabbitproof · 05-05-2006, 02:42 PM

Yes, this made me laugh out loud.

vjz · 05-05-2006, 02:43 PM

Yup, was just reading the whole article, and it's pretty funny.

Link to complete article: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/print...198&type=story

WraithXx · 05-05-2006, 02:50 PM

Jesus Christ.... Dirk's German... we freakin get it...

raefformvp · 05-05-2006, 03:01 PM

Bill Simmons is a freakin' comedic genius!

grndmstr_c · 05-05-2006, 03:35 PM

I'm usually only sort of a casual appreciateur or Simmons' stuff, but this one had me rolling around on the floor. Some hilarious stuff in there.

bernardos70 · 05-05-2006, 04:00 PM

OT......... kind of, but this really got me laughing:

Quote:

Living in Hollywood. Which gives me a chance to hear stories like this: During the timeout right before Kobe's game-tying layup in Game 4, the Mamba waited until Jackson was done talking, then went over to Smush Parker, grabbed him by the shoulders in full view of everyone sitting near the bench, then started poking him in the chest while repeatedly screaming, "You steal that ball! You steal that ball! You steal that [bleeping] ball!" Apparently Smush looked terrified, like a 14-year-old minding his own business then was suddenly being ordered to rob a liquor store by the leader of the Crips. But Smush stole the damned ball. And if there was video footage of this moment in the huddle, I think I would pay three grand for it.

G-Man · 05-06-2006, 02:18 AM

This is the one I laughed hardest at.

The Clippers. As reader Sly Cooley points out: "Is it possible that the greatest moment in Clippers history is tanking that Memphis game and getting the sixth seed? Suddenly they are lined up to cruise into the Western Conference finals (as you predicted). As a diehard Clips fan for 20 years, it is nice to see that knowing how to lose finally paid off."

Amen, Sly Cooley. Amen.

orangedays · 05-06-2006, 06:12 AM

I've gotta hand it to him, The Sports Guy is good at what he does. If you've got 5 minutes, give this article a read.

Quote:

LeBron. ... for three things:

First, his playoff beard stands out only for its atrociously atrocious atrociousness. Since when did people start shaving everything on their face but their neck? How could this possibly catch on? As Pittsburgh reader Chris Scott points out, only Kevin Martin's attempt to single-handedly bring back the high fade haircut has been more of a disaster.

Second, the playoff sneer after big shots has to go. It looks like he's either losing a staring contest or having a colonoscopy performed on him. I can't take him seriously if he's going to keep doing it; between the playoff sneer, the playoff beard and the fingernail chewing, he's inadvertently submarining his own coolness. He might as well start wearing a champagne-colored earring or carving "Bron-Bron" into the back of his head.

Quote:

Kenyon Martin. Not for the player himself, but for the fact that Isiah's going to trade for a guy with a bad knee, an attitude problem and $70 million left on his contract in about six weeks. I can't wait. Isiah's first bad move of the summer is turning out to be the summer version of Christmas -- it's an annual tradition, I look forward to it every year, there's the possibility of one gift or multiple gifts, and I'm always pleasantly surprised.

Quote:

NBA celebrations. What's up with this new trend where one guy runs up to the other guy, hugs him with one hand, then uses the other hand to grab the back of the guy's head, and then the other guy hugs him and they touch foreheads for an intense embrace? When did this become acceptable? Imagine trying this with one of your buddies after winning a game of pool in a bar? Would everyone in the place just stop talking and stare at you in disbelief?

thunderFence · 05-06-2006, 06:35 AM

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2...simmons/060421

STATE OF NBA , Love & Trust
By Bill Simmons

What does Pearl Jam have to do with the 2006 NBA Playoffs?

More than you think. No successful musical artist has deeper NBA roots, with the possible exception of Toni Braxton. They launched the band in 1991 under the name Mookie Blaylock -- yes, they took the name of the former point guard -- even touring as Mookie Blaylock in the Seattle area before trademark issues forced them to switch names. As a consolation prize, they named their first album "Ten" after Mookie's jersey number. They appeared in the movie "Singles" along with then-Sonics star Xavier McDaniel. Two of the band members (Jeff Ament and Stone Gossard) regularly attended Sonics games during the glorious Kemp-Payton era, which ended up self-destructing almost as fast as Layne Staley.

Now their highly regarded comeback album (inventively titled "Pearl Jam") comes out May 2, as they look to break Bruce Springsteen's record for "Longest time between two great albums by the same artist." Coincidentally, the NBA is making a little comeback of its own, as the 2006 playoffs include nearly every marquee star, old and new -- Kobe, LeBron, Nowitzki, Carmelo, Duncan, Wade and Shaq, Arenas, Nash and Marion, Kidd and Carter, Ginobili and Parker, Brand and Gasol, all the Pistons guys, even Ron Artest -- as well as some genuinely compelling subplots (we'll get to them). With a little luck, this could become the most fascinating spring of basketball since 1993. You know, back when Pearl Jam was the biggest band in the world.

Can they both bounce back? That remains to be seen. During their "Saturday Night Live" appearance last Saturday, Pearl Jam sounded as good as ever -- a little older, a little wiser, completely in control -- and you would never have realized how much time passed since the band's first SNL appearance until you compared the hosts. (Back in 1992, when Pearl Jam brought the house down with "Alive," host Sharon Stone was fresh off her electric appearance in "Basic Instinct." Last week's host? Lindsay Lohan.) It's hard to imagine more likable members of a rock band -- their hearts were always in the right place; they avoided celebrity as much as they could; and they always valued their fans and their music over anything else. Nothing would make me happier than to see them pull off a major comeback. Except for an entertaining NBA playoffs, of course.

Anyway, in lieu of a preview, I'm handing out Pearl Jam lyrics to the featured players and teams for the 2006 playoffs

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2...simmons/060421

24. Hear my name, take a good look
This could be the day
Hold my hand, lie beside me
I just need to say
I could not take-a just one day
I know when I would not ever
Touch you
Hold you
Feel you
In my arms ... never again ...
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

The all-time most underrated Pearl Jam song, as well as the song that always brings the house down in every concert ("Porch") goes to the most underrated team in the 2006 playoffs: the Dallas Mavericks.

I'm not saying it makes sense on paper, because it doesn't. But they have a superstar playing the best basketball of his career (Nowitzki). They have a point guard (Terry) who has been doing a poor man's Billups routine. They have professional scorers at the wings (Daniels and Stackhouse), as well as the best Glue Guy in the league (Josh Howard), a game-changing guard off the bench (Harris) and an endless supply of guys who know their roles and take nothing off the table (Diop, Dampier, Mbenga, Griffin, Powell, none of whom is bad). And they have a coach who developed into a true weapon this season (Avery Johnson); I caught the Mavs in person twice and thought they were the best-prepared, best-coached, smoothest-running team that passed through the Staples Center all year.

Why this year and not last year? Because Nowitzki took it up a notch. Because Avery knows what he's doing. Because they left their nucleus alone for the first time in four years. Because the Spurs aren't as good as they were last season, mainly because of Duncan's foot. And because it just feels right.

So where does this leave us from a prediction standpoint? With a wildly entertaining Final Four -- Lakers-Mavs, Heat-Pistons -- followed by a Dallas-Detroit Finals that would be intriguing on about 40 different levels, most notably the thought of David Stern potentially handing the NBA trophy to Mark Cuban (who would obviously be sobbing like Rocky Balboa at the end of "Rocky 2").

But will it happen ... ?

25. And I listen for the voice inside my head
Nothin'
I'll do this one myself

I say no. Pistons over the Mavs in six.

(Now if we could only get a Mookie Blaylock sighting during the Finals ... )