what constitute a sport? the nine commandments

[superheadcat]

I: Thou shalt compete in a manner that requires antiperspirant
"It would only be a sport if you had to stand up for the whole game and hold something in each hand with your arms extended while the other players make their word." — Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban on Scrabble.
No physical exertion leading to sweat, no sport. Simple as that. If a bit too vague. After all, lumberjack log rolling counts as a sweaty activity, as does jockeying for the last parking space in the Georgetown Safeway parking lot. And snorkeling off the coast of Bora Bora, assuming the presence of nearby sharks.
Still, sweat stands as useful opening punch, if only because it eliminates: (a) fantasy football; (b) fantasy baseball; (c) sitting on the couch in your boxers for seven consecutive hours on a Sunday, checking ESPN News for fantasy football and baseball updates.
(Then again, it's possible that situation "c" could rapidly escalate into a sticky, prickly situation, provided you have a single television, a lone remote control, an increasingly angry significant other and a concurrent live broadcast of the "E!" network's pre-Emmy red carpet show. Not that we speak from experience or anything).
After round one, then, fantasy sports, Scrabble, chess, checkers, the World Series of Poker and tournament Madden football are down for the count. Everything else is still bobbing and weaving. Or, in the case of underwater hockey, bobbling and gurgling.

II: Thou shalt reward mastery of a difficult and otherwise useless skill
"Who can't eat? Everybody can eat." — Los Angeles Clippers guard Quentin Richardson on hot dog eating contests.
If seventh grade P.E. class taught us anything beyond how to square dance and play pingpong, it's that sports ought to be hard. Climb a rope hard. Ten pull-ups in a row hard. Run endless laps around the school while the teacher sits in a lawn chair reading the sports page hard.
Moreover, a sport should be difficult for the sake of, well, being difficult, requiring mastery of physical skills that are wholly unnecessary in the course of everyday life. Again, think square dancing. Or consider wrap-tackling. Amusing in those Terry Tate ads? Sure. Useful in a real world office setting? Probably not, unless you wear shoulder pads and a three-bar face mask to work.
For that reason, scratch horse racing, equestrian events and competitive eating from the list. Likewise, dump drinking games. Though bouncing quarters off a table and into a shot glass is both tough and unusual, getting sloshed is anything but.

III: Thou shalt run, jump, throw or risk bodily harm
"As long as there's a chance you could die, it's a sport." — Oakland A's pitcher Steve Sparks on bullfighting.
The ancient Greeks would have been perplexed — and perhaps a bit terrified — by our modern notion of golf as sport, to say nothing of Jesper Parnevik's choice in coursewear. At the original Olympic Games, athletes squared off in four basic categories:
•Running (sprints, distance, racing in full battle armor).
•Jumping (long jump while holding weights).
•Throwing (discus, javelin).
•Beating people up (wrestling, boxing, "Pankration," antiquity's answer to K1 fighting).
Note that our classical forefathers also sanctioned pederasty and competing in the buff, hopefully not at the same time. Even so, their athletic notions remain sound. Really, what are our childhood proto-sports — tag, dodgeball, "smear the [expletive]" — if not exercises in sprinting and leaping, tossing and brawling?
Besides, the Greeks gave us democracy, the Parthenon and Plato. Plus the gyro. So let's boot golf off the sports ark, along with NASCAR, beauty pageants, curling, illegal street racing and cycling (sorry, Lance).
Oh, and baseball gets to walk the plank, too, because of the designated hitter. Not that anyone will miss it (the DH, that is).

IV: Thou shalt keep score
"If it's one guy, not a sport. If it's a bunch of guys racing, a sport. If they're racing in a thunderstorm, then it's a sport televised on Fox." — U.S. soccer player Clint Mathis on solo ballooning around the world.
Points or time, ya gotta keep score. Someone has to win. Someone has to lose. Not to get all cliched football announcer here, but isn't that why they play the games? Outside of the billion-dollar broadcast deals?
Hence, bid adieu to diving, bullfighting, mountain climbing and renaissance jousting. Also wave goodbye to hunting, since deer don't operate a scoreboard — and if they did, the count would be about 10 gazillion to two, including the guy that Bobby Knight shot. By accident. We think.

V: Thou shalt not judge
Never mind Iraq. For the true origins of the current France-United States antipathy, look no farther than Marie-Reine Le Gouge. With a single, crooked vote at last year's Winter Olympics, the fur-swaddled figure skating judge dashed whatever trans-Atlantic goodwill remained following Merchant Ivory's laborious "Jefferson in Paris," cementing our distaste for judged competitions in the process. Excluding the swimsuit portion of the Miss America pageant, that is, which remains both elegant and tasteful. Or so we've heard.
The beauty of sports is the beauty of simple arithmetic. Stopwatches don't lie. Two plus two equals four. Throw judging into the equation, however, and you're left with quantum mechanics, a morass of mind-numbing uncertainties. Is that subatomic particle actually there? Did he really 2-foot the quad? Questions like that won't do. Not when you're paying $8.50 for a bottle of water.
Into the dustbin of athletic history, then, toss cheerleading, figure skating, gymnastics, boxing, hockey, basketball (the Lakers get the calls), football (the Raiders don't), dog shows and wet T-shirt contests. In addition, college football gets the heave-ho. Not to say that the BCS is an arbitrary fraud, but if the same system governed the presidential race, Carol Moseley Braun probably would be ranked in the coaches' poll top five.

VI: Thou shalt wear uniforms
"They don't have jerseys, man. To play a sport, you have to wear a jersey." — former Denver Broncos running back Terrell Davis on professional bass fishing.
Good enough for McDonald's. Good enough for sports. Just as a Golden Arches hat asks, "Can I supersize your order?" so too does a hockey sweater inquire, "Can I supersize this high stick to the jaw?" Without uniforms, you're just a goof on the playground. Playing pickup. So lose tennis, skateboarding, the Great Outdoor Games and both sumo and pro wrestling (since adult diapers and Halloween costumes don't count).

VII: Thou shalt pay thy own way
"What's jai alai?" — Miami Heat forward Chris Gatling
Sports are a big business these days. Or haven't you heard? But don't fret — we're not going to bore you with a nostalgic spiel decrying the megabuck world of modern athletics. For one, we assume you're already familiar with George Steinbrenner. Second, oodles of cash have made just about everything in sports bigger and better. Save FedEx Field. Which is mostly just bigger.
The point? At NFL stadiums, fans who can't afford personal seat licenses are out of luck. Likewise, sports that can't generate enough fan and sponsor interest to stay afloat — let alone earn a half-minute on "SportsCenter" — don't belong in this discussion. Scratch hockey, soccer, indoor lacrosse, track and just about every other Olympic sport that rears its stepchild-red head every four years.

VIII: Thou shalt attract wagering
"It's fixed like other sports. I know, I've lost a few dollars on them. I heard they give some dogs too much water to slow them down." — LPGA golfer Becky Iverson on greyhound racing.
People will bet on just about anything. How else to explain Las Vegas? Yet even in Sin City, some sports remain embarrassingly action-free. Like surfing. And rhythmic gymnastics. And the "Superstars" competition. And, alas, the circus.
No line, no dice. Sayonara, "American Gladiators."

IX: Thou shalt not involve smoking or beer drinking
"If you're going to shoot pool in the Olympics, do it right. Everyone in the competition has to be working on a pitcher of beer while he's playing." — Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Pat Rapp on pool.
Anything that causes cancer — or leaves your kidneys looking like Uday and Qusay's safehouse — shouldn't qualify as sport. What sort of message would that send to our children? Or our children's children? Or ... er, you get the idea.
As a result, nix bowling, pool, cockfighting, rodeo, the Bud Bowl and company softball. Leaving us with, well, nothing. Save a bunch of stupid rules. And our original, nagging query.

for the whole article, here

[superheadcat]

i'll add:
sports is an entertainment without predetermined outcome; and the outcomes have to be binary, and the process of obtaining those outcomes should be fair (compared to other human activities).

[MavsFanatik33]

Good article superheadcat!
I get in many arguments with the ladies about whether cheerleading is a sport. If you look at these commandments, it looks like cheerleading would be considered a sport.
Whoops, look like I pissed those girls off and I was wrong the whole time.

[Murphy3]

does cheerleading attract wagering?

[MavsFanatik33]

Originally posted by: Murphy3
does cheerleading attract wagering?

I guess not, looks like I still have an argument, thanks Murph.

[Murphy3]

2 things going against cheerleading being a sport

V: Thou shalt not judge
Never mind Iraq. For the true origins of the current France-United States antipathy, look no farther than Marie-Reine Le Gouge. With a single, crooked vote at last year's Winter Olympics, the fur-swaddled figure skating judge dashed whatever trans-Atlantic goodwill remained following Merchant Ivory's laborious "Jefferson in Paris," cementing our distaste for judged competitions in the process. Excluding the swimsuit portion of the Miss America pageant, that is, which remains both elegant and tasteful. Or so we've heard.
The beauty of sports is the beauty of simple arithmetic. Stopwatches don't lie. Two plus two equals four. Throw judging into the equation, however, and you're left with quantum mechanics, a morass of mind-numbing uncertainties. Is that subatomic particle actually there? Did he really 2-foot the quad? Questions like that won't do. Not when you're paying $8.50 for a bottle of water.
Into the dustbin of athletic history, then, toss cheerleading, figure skating, gymnastics, boxing, hockey, basketball (the Lakers get the calls), football (the Raiders don't), dog shows and wet T-shirt contests. In addition, college football gets the heave-ho. Not to say that the BCS is an arbitrary fraud, but if the same system governed the presidential race, Carol Moseley Braun probably would be ranked in the coaches' poll top five.


VIII: Thou shalt attract wagering
"It's fixed like other sports. I know, I've lost a few dollars on them. I heard they give some dogs too much water to slow them down." — LPGA golfer Becky Iverson on greyhound racing.
People will bet on just about anything. How else to explain Las Vegas? Yet even in Sin City, some sports remain embarrassingly action-free. Like surfing. And rhythmic gymnastics. And the "Superstars" competition. And, alas, the circus.
No line, no dice. Sayonara, "American Gladiators."

[MavsFanatik33]

Thanks man, I'm glad you got my back.

[signoftimes]

In my mind, there is one more element to a sport. It must contain both a defensive and offensive element. If there is no defense or offense, then it’s just a competition.

It’s your ability to play and how it affects others play that makes sports interesting. Lot’s of people can master a skill, but it’s when that skill is in direct play against others and their skills that a sport is born.

Bowling for example doesn’t require defensive moves. You bowl your game and you hope no one beats you. Bowling is not a sport. Hoping that someone doesn’t beat you is not a defense. Actually using your skills to stop an opponent is intrinsic in all sports.

[Dooby]

In my mind, there is one more element to a sport. It must contain both a defensive and offensive element. If there is no defense or offense, then it’s just a competition.

Does Dallas Mavericks' basketball count then?

[MavsFanatik33]

Originally posted by: signoftimes
In my mind, there is one more element to a sport. It must contain both a defensive and offensive element. If there is no defense or offense, then it’s just a competition.

Good point, but that would make chess a sport.

[signoftimes]

Quote

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In my mind, there is one more element to a sport. It must contain both a defensive and offensive element. If there is no defense or offense, then it’s just a competition.
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Does Dallas Mavericks' basketball count then?

Bad defense is still defense.

[signoftimes]

Originally posted by: MavsFanatik33

Good point, but that would make chess a sport.

Add the defense and offense argument in with the other nine commandments. That should knock chess