Rangers one-liners

[Dooby]

Some are lame, but some are pretty good.

• Rangers crowds are so small, only two dots showed up for the race.

• The atmosphere is so bleak at The Ballpark, couples are divorcing on the JumboTRON between innings.

• The sign above the home run porch now says "Hit it anywhere and win a free suit."

• The Rangers are so bad, advertisers want to sponsor pitching changes to get the most bang for their bucks.

• Ushers are now required to wake people during the seventh-inning stretch.

• Chalupas offered to fans if the team gets an RBI.

• The Rangers base runners are discovering what middle-aged people have been saying for years. "You can't go home again."

• How are the Rangers cutting back on expenses? Pitchers now have to hitchhike to Oklahoma City.

• The Rangers crowds are so small, the team is having to pay extras for their fan cam.

• Ranger crowds are so small, Tom Hicks is hoping to attract customers by renaming his stadium, "The Flea Market in Arlington."

• The Rangers are so bad, they are showing Royals highlights between innings.

• The Rangers are so bad, Jay Leno won't talk about them on the "Tonight Show" because "it's too easy."

• The Rangers are so bad, Attorney General John Cornyn is suing to get the word Texas removed from their name.

• The Rangers have more guys left on base than Fort Hood. Fans in the outfield are doing the wave goodbye.

• The Home Run Porch has been renamed Death Valley.

• The Rangers have struggled with losers this year more than Britney Spears at an autograph session.

• The Rangers have more used-up pitchers than fraternities do.

• The Rangers are so bad, they have more DL prospects than DH prospects.

• The Rangers run slower than a lawnmower with a double A battery.

• The Rangers are so bad, the season's highlight reel will be a tribute to Kevin Mench.

• The Rangers are so bad, they have allowed more hits than Horshack did on "Celebrity Boxing."

• Rangers pitchers have three pitches: fastball, curveball and long ball.

• The roster in the program says, "Your guess is as good as ours."

• The Rangers are so bad, the Rafael Palmeiro ads are embarrassing Viagra and not the other way around.

• The Rangers are so bad, their scouts had stopwatches and contracts in hand for the annual "Kids run the bases" promotion.

• The Rangers had to cancel their annual "Bat Day" promotion because they couldn't find any at The Ballpark.

• The Rangers are so bad, Nolan Ryan has run out of Advil.

• The Rangers are so bad, they have asked Nike to design a bag for their heads in Rangers colors.

[Drbio]

good stuff Doobie.