Jokes Thread

[OzMavs]

Why is there no televisons in Afghanistan?

Because of the Teleban!


Why is there no K-Mart's in Afghanistan?

Because there is too many targets.


I'm sorry, I thought they were funny!

[Drbio]

The first one made me groan but I laughed at the second one. The funy thing is when I read it I thought, "Because K-Mart is bankrupt?"

[MavsFanFinley]

That was funny. Something so simple couldn't be so funny.

[MFFL]

Have ya'll heard what keeps Texas from sliding into the Gulf of Mexico.




Oklahoma sucks so hard.

[Drbio]

I have water in my nose now...thanks MFFL....I'll tell that one at work tomorrow.

[Drbio]

One of my friends from Louisiana told me this one....

Q. What is the difference between a coon ass and a horses ass?
A. The Sabine River.

It hurt, but it was funny

[Bayliss]

MFFL.... HA!

[MFFL]

<< I have water in my nose now...thanks MFFL....I'll tell that one at work tomorrow. >>



I don't believe you - water instead of beer.

[Drbio]

Bayliss...you dog! You changed your icon. (pun intended)

[Drbio]

man cannot live by beer alone.....although it is fun to try

[Bayliss]

I had to Doc.

I'm a superstitious loon (seriously).

Dirk got hurt with the cat... so I'm back to the Bulldog.

[MFFL]

Have ya'll heard how to starve someone from Oklamhoma.




Hide their food stamps under a bar of soap.

[Murphy3]

or the toothpaste

[Chiwas]

Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, "Stop! If you take one more step you will be killed!"

The woman stopped, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path. A minute or two after that, she was getting ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed, "Halt! Don't cross the street now!"

An out-of-control beer truck soon careened around the corner and didn't even slow down as it ran the red light.

Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice replied. "I imagine you have some questions for me."

"You bet I do," the woman said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"

[Chiwas]

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark,
ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey,
soccer, or any physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

[Chiwas]

Two women were walking through the forest when they heard a voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog: "Help me, ladies! I am an investment banker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!" The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag.

The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?" The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!"

[one long blue sock]

One day a teacher stood up to the class and said

"Class, I'm an aggie, is anyone else in here an aggie"
To scared of being wrong, they all raise there hand, except one little boy. The teacher said
"Timmy, why didnt you raise your hand like the other students"
"I'm a Longhorn"
"Well why are you and longhorn"
"I dont know, my mom is one, and so is my dad, so im just one"
Getting kind of frustrated she said " Well what if your dad was retarded, and your mom was a moron, what would you be"

"An aggie"

[Chiwas]

Hehehe.

Ay, Sock.

[Caliente]

&gt;Updated Employee Handbook
&gt;
&gt;
&gt;
&gt;DRESS CODE:
&gt;
&gt;It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your Salary.
&gt;If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci Bag,
&gt;We assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
&gt;raise.
&gt;
&gt;
&gt;
&gt;SICK DAYS:
&gt;
&gt;We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
&gt;you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
&gt;
&gt;PERSONAL DAYS:
&gt;
&gt;Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
&gt;Saturday & Sunday.
&gt;
&gt;
&gt;RESTROOM USE:
&gt;
&gt;Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
&gt;strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
&gt;an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
&gt;will
&gt;open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
&gt;picture will be
&gt;posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
&gt;category.
&gt;
&gt;
&gt;LUNCH BREAK:
&gt;
&gt;Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so
&gt;that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch
&gt;to
&gt;get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
&gt;minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
&gt;Fast.
&gt;
&gt;
&gt;
&gt;
&gt;This e-mail may contain confidential or privileged information. If you
&gt;think you have received this e-mail in error, please advise the sender by
&gt;reply e-mail and then delete this e-mail immediately. Thank you. Aetna

[MavsFanatik33]

What do you call a lesbian eskimo?

A Klondike

[EricaLubarsky]

[Chiwas]

Originally posted by: MavsFanatik33
What do you call a lesbian eskimo?

A Klondike

I didn't understand it.




In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has the generic name of acetominophen. Aleve is called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.

[LRB]

!CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LOCAL ADULT EDUCATION CENTER

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each
course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide
presentation.

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Does it grow on the holder? Round table
discussion.

Topic 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the
seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub? Group
practice.

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the
floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and
fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right
place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open
forum.

Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your
health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life
testimonials.

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she
parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and
wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation,
exercises,
meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays,
anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to
be
late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the
survivors.

[Caliente]

LRB, I hope you don't mind but I copied your joke and e-mailed it to a few friends.
It was too good not to share.
[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img]

[LRB]

Originally posted by: Caliente
LRB, I hope you don't mind but I copied your joke and e-mailed it to a few friends.
It was too good not to share.
[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img]

Don't mind at all. That's how I got it, in an email from a friend. Enjoy.
[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

What drinks milk, meows, and has eight legs?







An octo-puss!

[LRB]

Subject: Handy Cleaning Tips



Dirt:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of
15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs:

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,
thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your partner points out that the
light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And
spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them &call them holiday
decorations.)

Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming
you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for
underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room
and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle
the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den
but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting:
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her
ashes."

General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water
in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly.

Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look,
throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't
get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie
pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake
sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works every time.

Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck, always keep several get well cards on the
mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and
unable to clean. You figure if you can live in it, they can surely stand it
for a 30 minute visit.

[Caliente]

Subject: Why athletes can't have real jobs!

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Beecause she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

[Chiwas]

Very funny quotes, Caliente.

I liked this one the most:

14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Beecause she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

You know you've had too much coffee when...

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

You answer the door, before people knock.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You're the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don't even work there.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You're so wired you pick up FM radio.

You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!

[u2sarajevo]

Originally posted by: Chiwas
You know you've had too much coffee when...
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Very funny and timely... today the thermostat of the coffee maker on my floor went out. I had to freakin' go upstairs to get coffee.

And it had been a bad day until I saw the bottom 2/3's of the picture that bomber posted in an earlier thread. [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img] [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]

[LRB]

The scene: HEAVEN
The year: 2031
President Clinton finishes his time on earth
and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven.



"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh... Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.

"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint, "but first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false! witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to 'abandon all hope,' just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.

[Caliente]

Waiter: Do you want a shrimp cocktail?

Baseball Player Jeff Stone: No thanks, I don't drink.




"Leo (Leonardo DiCaprio) knows he's got sex appeal and he knows
how to use it. Yet he doesn't think he's gorgeous. And to me, he's
simply smelly, farty Leo."

- Kate Winslet on Titanic co-star Leonardo DiCaprio

[Caliente]

Famous Cat Quotes


"No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln

"One cat justs leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch

"With the qualities of cleanliness, affection, patience, dignity, and courage that cats have, how many of us, I ask you, would be capable of becoming cats?" - Fernand Mery

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine

"We humans are indeed fortunate if we happen to be chosen to be owned by a cat."

"Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function."

"How we behave toward cats here below determines our status in heaven." - Robert A. Heinlein

"No heaven will not ever be Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." - Unknown

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb

"If animals could speak the dog would be a a blundering outspoken fellow, but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much." - Mark Twain

"Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat." - Mark Twain

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

"Is it true cats wont stay in a house when it's haunted?"

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez

"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." - Winston Churchill

"The purity of a person's heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals."

"Woman, poets, and especially artists, like cats; delicate natures only can realize their sensitive nervous systems." - Helen M. Winslow

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." - Bruce Graham

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -Joseph Wood Krutch

"Beware of people who dislike cats." - Irish proverb

"I love my cats because I love my home, and little by little they become its visible soul."
- Jean Couteau

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic"

"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes."

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." - Unknown

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." - John S. Nichols

[Chiwas]

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick

I'm doomed. [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-frown.gif[/img]

[MavsFanatik33]

A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween party but the wife had a terrible headache. She told her husband to go anyway. After a short argument he agreed, and she took some aspirin and went to bed.
Later she awoke and felt great, so she decided to go to the party and see what her hubby did when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she noticed him on the dance floor getting very friendly with every hottie in the place, and groping them when he could.

She then cut in and rubbed close to him. When the song ended, he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside." So the two costumed characters snuck off and occupied themselves in one of the parked cars.

Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she slipped out and went home before the clock struck twelve.

When he got home she asked, "How was the party? Did you meet any interesting people?"

He replied, ''You know me, dear. I don't have a good time when you're not with me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing poker. It wasn't very fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to had the time of his life!"

[Chiwas]

In a crowded city, at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt as too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[Caliente]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest replied! But I may have a
solution to your problem. I have two male talking
parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the
Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and
we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My
parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .
that phrase . . . in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very
well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that
his two male parrots were inside their cage holding
rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked
over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out
in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male
parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been
answered!"

[Caliente]

Famous Quotes about BEER

Buy a man a beer and he wastes an hour. Teach a man to brew and he wastes a lifetime. * Unknown

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear
weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." * Frank Zappa

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." * Ernest Hemmingway

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." * Winston Churchill

"He was a wise man who invented beer." * Plato

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time." * Catherine Zandonella

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." * W.C. Fields

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink." * Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it." * Churchill's reply

"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs." *David Daye

"Work is the curse of the drinking class." * Oscar Wilde

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." * Henny Youngman

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." * Benjamin Franklin

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose." * "Deep Thoughts," by Jack Handly (The late Phil Hartman)

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." * Dave Barry

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." * Humphrey Bogart

"People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot." * Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." * Kaiser Wilhelm

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer." * Homer Simpson

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer." * Dave Barry

"I drink to make other people interesting." * George Jean Nathan

"They who drink beer will think beer." * Washington Irving

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." * Ernest Hemmingway ("For Whom the Bell Tolls")

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." * Dean Martin

"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me-so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." * Homer Simpson

[Dirks Cuzin]

"How do you stop a Taliban tank..."


Shoot at the person pushing it

[LRB]

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. A small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked."Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmy's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent."The flight to Egypt," said Jimmy. "I see . . and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Susie said. "But who's the fourth
person?" "Oh, that's Pontius the Pilot."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster."No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked."To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue."What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"


An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"


The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how othercultures ride horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course my favorite...........

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.


Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. --George Bernard Shaw

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts --Will Rogers


A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only, grant three wishes, so I'll give you one each." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss speak first.


A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary."

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
environmental encounters:

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?

... . . . And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.