The Random JOKE thread...no not pictures...just written jokes... - Dallas-Mavs.com Forums

92bDad · 12-07-2009, 02:07 PM

Okay,

so since we get the Picture or Random Joke Picture thread confused with regular written jokes...why not have a straight random joke thread.

...

With that in mind, here's one that I read out of my inbox this morning...it's a play an old too familiar joke, but still plays out pretty funny.

__________________________________________________ ___________

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he finishes the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she finishes the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he finishes and reaches for his checkbook, the devil informs him that there is no charge for the call and that he should feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replies, "Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

92bDad · 12-08-2009, 11:29 AM

How can you tell that a house belongs to Tiger Woods?

There's always a Ho in one.

bernardos70 · 12-08-2009, 11:51 AM

How did I just *know* that it would have something political to it? How? How did I? How did I know this? Do you know how?

mavsgirl4134 · 12-08-2009, 01:51 PM

I got one:

92bdad

bernardos70 · 12-08-2009, 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mavsgirl4134

I got one:

92bdad

HAHAHAHAHAHA! GENIUS! TELL ME AGAIN!

DirkFTW · 12-08-2009, 02:25 PM

Why did Tiger hit the fire hydrant and then the tree?

He had trouble deciding between the iron or the wood.

ShaggyDirk · 12-08-2009, 02:29 PM

Lord this is bad stuff.

Dirkadirkastan · 12-08-2009, 02:41 PM

The first joke in this thread is at least ten years old. I'm not so sure about the third.

dalmations202 · 12-08-2009, 03:26 PM

What is the difference between a golf ball and a car?

Tiger can drive a golf ball.

92bDad · 12-08-2009, 03:29 PM

What do Pilots and Gymnasts have in common?

They both like to stick the landing...

What do Football fans and Air Trvelers have in common?

They both like Touchdowns!!!

What do Mavsgirl4134 and Bernados70 have in common?

They both got cut from the Tiger Woods HoDown!!!

GermanDunk · 12-08-2009, 04:03 PM

I pick Joke #2

DirkFTW · 12-08-2009, 04:15 PM

What do Tiger Woods and seals have in common?

Both have been beaten by Scandinavians.

mavsgirl4134 · 12-08-2009, 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 92bDad

What do Mavsgirl4134 and Bernados70 have in common?

They both got cut from the Tiger Woods HoDown!!!

aww.. c'mon I was only joking!

haha.. funny stuff though.

92bDad · 12-09-2009, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mavsgirl4134

aww.. c'mon I was only joking!

haha.. funny stuff though.

All is good in love and war...your poke was taken in good clean fun...who can we laugh at if we can't laugh at ourselves...

92bDad · 12-09-2009, 11:16 AM

Did you see the report coming from AP?

President Obama walked into a Blockbuster Video store looking to rent some movies...but he walked out with his very own Oscar instead...

Big Boy Laroux · 12-09-2009, 05:15 PM

Need to get this away from political stuff.

got this one in a forward the other day. You can see the punch line coming a mile away, but it doesn't make it any less funny.

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small town. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." Yes," she says, "I remember it well." OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of a secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."