Jokes Thread

[Caliente]

What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

[Caliente]

The list: Bad Halloween jokes

In honor of everyone's favorite horrifying holiday, we present our top five stupid Halloween jokes:


5. What do you call someone who puts poison in the corn flakes?
A cereal killer.

4. Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.

3. Why don't skeletons date?
They don't have any body to go out with.

2. What did the mother vampire say to her son?
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.

1. Why did the cyclops stop teaching?
He only had one pupil.

[LRB]

Originally posted by: Caliente
The list: Bad Halloween jokes

In honor of everyone's favorite horrifying holiday, we present our top five stupid Halloween jokes:


5. What do you call someone who puts poison in the corn flakes?
A cereal killer.

4. Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.

3. Why don't skeletons date?
They don't have any body to go out with.

2. What did the mother vampire say to her son?
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.

1. Why did the cyclops stop teaching?
He only had one pupil.

Here's one more:

What did the coach say to his all vampire team?

Suck it up out there!!!

[LRB]

I'm not aging, I just need re-potting


I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.


My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance. I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it.


If you don't like my attitude, call 1-800-Who Cares.


If it's true we are what we eat, I am either fast, cheap, or easy.


Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!


"Genuine Antique Person,"; Been there, done that, can't remember!


Our policy is to always blame the computer.


Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.


Take my advice, I'm not using it!


Okay! I love you! Now can we eat?


You know you're getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.


I love to give homemade gifts, ... umm, which one of the kids would you like?


I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!!


By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!

[LRB]

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith,
me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for
her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies,
"Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us
just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny
has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a
moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't
have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says,
"Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.
I just have one more question for you. What will you do if
the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well,
we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith faints..

[LRB]

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law and was
surprised to find his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake
the cupcakes. After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed
Timmy to put the icing on. When he had finished, he brought
them to the table.

"The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. He took a
bite while looking at the other cupcakes. "Timmy these are so
good."

As he finished one and took another he again complimented
his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle
said. "How did you get them iced so evenly?"

And he took a large bite while waiting for the answer.

His nephew replied, "I licked them."

[Caliente]

Adapting to the South


If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving To the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles.

* If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12 pack of beer and a
tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just
stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

* Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

* Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

* Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

* You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child.
This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the
equivalent of saying "No!"

* Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying, they can't understand you either.

* The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big 'ol," as in "big 'ol truck" or "big 'ol boy". Most Northerners begin their new Southern- influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

* The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

* Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

* If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this,"
stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

* If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even
the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. (Most likely, they will be sold out of bread and milk by the time you get there.)

* When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

* Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own
their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.

* In the South we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

* If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

[Murphy3]

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and to one of the exhibits dealing
with the breeding of bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,
This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and
said, That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,
"This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife really got excited and said, That's once a day.
You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with
the same cow."
The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable and he
is expected to make a full recovery in time

[Chiwas]

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

MORAL OF THE STORY: always let your boss have the first say.

[WayOutWest]

WARNING: OFF COLOR.........





















A traveling salesman from the East coast is making house calls in the deep south. He's driving along the main street of a very small town and everywhere he looks he see's signs stating "Come see the AMAZING Texan!". Curious at all the signs he follows them to big top just outside of town. He buys a ticket, takes his seat and waits for the show to start. A few minutes later the show begins and the crowd begins to cheer as the big top's spotlight follows a very ordinary looking fellow that looks like he coudln't wiegh more than a buck fifty. The "Amazing Texan" is wearing a bath robe and makes his way to the center of the ring where a small table is situated with three walnuts sitting on top. The "Amazing Texan" walks right up to the table and disrobes revealing a rather sizable "member". He takes his large "member" in his hands and smashes all three walnuts with three quick strikes. The crowd goes wild and they rush the ring and carry the "Amazing Texan" out of the tent atop their shoulders. The traveling salesman is amazed at what he just whitnessed and never forgets.

About 40 years later by coincidence the traveling sales man is back in that little southern town and he is astonished to see the same signs all up and down the main street of the small town. He can't beleive that the "Amazing Texan" is still at it all these years so he decides to check it out. Sure enough it's the same guy but alot older but what's more amazing is that now the table has 3 COCONUTS on it instead of walnuts. Yet the "Amazing Texan" repeats his performance and smashes the coconuts without missing a beat. The salesman is speachless and decides he must speak with the "Amazing Texan". He catches up with him after the show and says to the "Amazing Texan": "I saw your show when you smashed walnuts over 40 years ago BUT now you're smashing coconuts, what is the story behind that?"

The "Amazing Texan"'s reply: "My eyesight aint what it used to be."

[Caliente]

If Men Really Ruled The World:

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?"cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same, but it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Ben and J Lo would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

[Chiwas]

Signs of Menopause

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard
sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a
wood stove, he is using you to heat the family
room this winter. Rather than just saying you
are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your
kids' names on them.

4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home."
And your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie
f---ing Nelson."

5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the
Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of
decent rest.

6. You change your underwear after every
sneeze.

7. You're on so much estrogen that you take
your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

[Caliente]

Subject: MEN'S RULES
To: Women
From: Men
RE : Our Rules!

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We
always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from
the male side. These are our rules!

(Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact,all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach,example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as
many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

[Chiwas]

If Men Really Ruled The World:

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?"cards.

What? Do women have names?




[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

Originally posted by: Chiwas

What? Do women have names?




[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]

Call me by the wrong one and find out....[img]i/expressions/devil.gif[/img].......[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img].......[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]

[Murphy3]

'thong song' with dancing

[Caliente]

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with
Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport,
they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see"
said Paddy.

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.

"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse"
said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy

"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and
sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the
engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed o
Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane
screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the
relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the
cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said
to Shamus

"Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me
whole life".

Shamus looked out the side window and replied....

"Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".

[Caliente]

snappy comebacks . . .

> > Man: "Haven't we met before?"
> > > Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
> > >
> > > Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
> > > Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
> > >
> > > Man: "Is this seat empty?"
> > > Woman: "Yes, and mine will be too if you sit down."
> > >
> > > Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
> > > Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
> > >
> > > Man: "Your place or mine?"
> > > Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
> > >
> > > Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
> > > Woman: "It's in the phone book."
> > > Man: "But I don't know your name."
> > > Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
> > >
> > > Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
> > > Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
> > >
> > > Man: "What sign were you born under?"
> > > Woman: "No Parking."
> > >
> > > Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
> > > Woman: "Do not enter."
> > >
> > > Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
> > > Woman: "Unfertilized!"
> > >
> > > Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
> > > Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
> > >
> > > Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
> > > Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
> > >
> > > Man: "I know how to please a woman."
> > > Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
> > >
> > > Man: "I want to give myself to you."
> > > Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
> > >
> > > Man: "I can tell that you want me."
> > > Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
> > >
> > > Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
> > > Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
> > >
> > > Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
> > > Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
> > >
> > > Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
> > > Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
> > >
> > > Man: "Your body is like a temple."
> > > Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
> > >
> > > Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
> > > Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
> > >
> > > Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
> > > Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

[LRB]

PLINK-PLINK-PLINK
>
> A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her
> gynecologist.
>
> "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!
> There's nothing you can't tell me."
>
> "This one's kind of strange..."
>
> "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
>
> "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning
> and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked
> down, the water was full of pennies."
>
> "I see."
>
> "That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
>
> "Uh-huh"
>
> "That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there
> were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she
> implored,
> "I'm scared out of my wits!"
>
>
> The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
> "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (Ready for this?)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~
> ~~~
> (I'm warning you.....)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~! ~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~
> ~~~~
> (Still not too late.....delete now!)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~
> ~~~
> "You're simply going through the change"

[Caliente]

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ...and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

[Caliente]

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on
the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one
giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several
remarks, usual comments about traffic between him, the other
astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over
the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good
luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL while answering questions
following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year
old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr.
Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could
answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball
with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed
in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were
Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young
Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral s@x!
You want or@l sex?! You'll get or@l sex when the kid next door
walks on the moon!"

A true story

[WayOutWest]

Originally posted by: Caliente
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on
the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one
giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several
remarks, usual comments about traffic between him, the other
astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over
the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good
luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL while answering questions
following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year
old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr.
Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could
answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball
with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed
in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were
Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young
Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral s@x!
You want or@l sex?! You'll get or@l sex when the kid next door
walks on the moon!"

A true story

FYI: it's NOT a true story.

[Murphy3]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
>
>
> The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay."
>
>
>
> For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, women will flock to him like bees to honey." The woman replied, "That will be okay
> because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. So, "KAZAM" -- she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
>
>
> For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times
> richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, "KAZAM"-she's the richest woman in the world!
>
>
>
> The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

[bogey]

Good one murph. [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

One Sunday morning Bill burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I
> have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful
> girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Sue.
>
> After dinner, Bill's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you.
> Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but
> she
> has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around
> with women a lot. Sue is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you
> can't
> marry her."
>
> Bill was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating
> girls
> again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced "Diane said
> yes!
> We're getting married in June."
>
> Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the
> sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Bill. I'm awfully sorry about
> this."
>
> Bill was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
> "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he
> complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
> half-sister."
>
> His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he
> says, dear. He's not really your father."
>

[WayOutWest]

A young man, named Bill, purchase his first Harley Davidson motorcycle, he buys it used from a neighboor. The neighboor goes over the basics and gives him a few tips. The day was turning gloomy and rain was likely comming so the neighboor tells Bill that one great way to prevent water stains on the bike is to rub vasoline on the crome. The neighboor gives Bill a half used tube of vasoline because it's probably going to rain and Bill puts the tube in his back pocket, says thank you and is on his way.

Bill is very excited about his Harley and despite the possibility of rain decides to take it to his girlfriends house for his first dinner with her parents and show off his new toy. He drives over and is greeted by his girlfriend at the door. The girlfriend pulls him aside and lets him in on a little family quirk, she tells Bill that her family has a rule that the first person to speak after dinner is served has to do the dishes. Bill just shrugs it off and says he understands. He walks in and he chit chats with his girlfriends parents then they make their way to the dinning room, as he walks by the kitchen he notices a HUGE pile of dishes, pots, pans, cutlery, etc... in the sink that looks like it hasn't been washed for days. The girlfriend gives Bill an "I told you" look and they sit down to dinner. Sure enough there is dead silence throughout the entire dinner. Nobody is saying a word and Bill is starting to feel uneasy and starts to think this family is very weird. Bill decides to end the wierdness by forcing the parents to speak. Bill begins kissing and fondling his girlfriend right at the dinner table. He's shock that the parents don't make a peep. Bill then has sex with the girlfriend right there on the dinner table and STILL not a word. He can't belieive it so he grabs the mom and starts having sex with her as well on the dinner table, NOT single word. Bill is at a loss, he doesn't know what to make of the situation. Just then he notices that it's started raining and remembers what his neighboor told him so he stands up and whips out the tube of vasoline and before Bill can explain himself the father yells out "Okay, okay...I'll do the dishes!".

[Caliente]

I finally got a new primary care physician.

After exhaustive tests, he said I am doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking "Do you
think I'll live to be 90?"

Doc asked, "Do you use tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done those things."

Doc: "Do you eat things like big steaks and BBQ'd ribs, sausage etc. ??

"Nope, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"

Doc: "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?", he then
inquired.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

Doc: "Then tell me, sir, why in hell you'd want to live to be 90 ??

[Chiwas]

[I needed a really good joke to compete with the last very good ones. I think I found it [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

Then, the proctologist fainted.

[Just211]

ive got a bad visual from that chiwas [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]

[WayOutWest]

LOL Chiwas

[Caliente]

An old wino walks into a local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the wino ."You know, I live by the railway,
well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks,
like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to
my place.

Anyway to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all
night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on
top, every position imaginable"!

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky SOB! Was she pretty?"

"Dunno... never found the head!"

[Caliente]

A man walks into the Toys-R-Us and says to the clerk, "Could you please show me your Barbie dolls?"

She says, "Certainly, sir. Over here, we have Fashion Barbie for $15.95, Vacation Barbie for $15.95, Housewife Barbie for $15.95 and Divorcee Barbie for $215.95."

"Why does Divorcee Barbie cost so much?" the man asks in astonishment. "She looks the same to me."

The clerk answers, "Well, sir, Divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's golf clubs, his season tickets to the Mavs, his Gold Mastercard, his yacht and his summer home.

[Chiwas]

...his season tickets to the Mavs,...

[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may never piss this way again."

[LRB]

Question: Which comic books are the most popular in the lounge of sex-change clinics?













Answer: X-men.

[Caliente]

Future Barbies:

Aussie Barbie: This Barbie can run-down a 'roo, cook it for dinner, pull the leeches off the kids, change a tire on the Land Rover, wrestle a croc', make her own clothes, repair the roof, toss-out all the poisonous snakes from the house, and all before Ken comes stumbling home drunk.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman

America's Most Wanted Barbie

Oprah Barbie

Sister Mary Barbie

Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary)

Crash Test Barbie

Opera Barbie (complete with the horns and the brass brassiere)

Marie Antionette Barbie (with removable head)

East German Swim Team Barbie (a Barbie head on a Ken doll)

Married Life Ken: with Beer-bustin' Expanding Waist (tm)

Frozen Barbie on a Stick

Forrest Gump Ken (Pull his string and he complains for two and a half boring hours.)

Divorce Barbie (includes the house, the car, and half of Ken's crap)

Broken Bungee Barbie

FrankenBarbie

Biker Barbie

Book Barbie

Death Row Barbie

Grunge Barbie (flannel wardrobe sold separately)

Tattoo Barbie

[LRB]

How about "Brittany Barbie" She kisses "Madonna Barbie" [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

> An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a
> restaurant one afternoon.
>
> > He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the
> waitress for a cup of
> > coffee, he looked across the restaurant and asked,

> "Is that Jesus over there?". The waitress nodded so the Irishman told
> her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.
> >
> > The next patron to come in was an Englishman
> with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress
> for a glass of hot tea.
> >
> > He also glanced across the restaurant and asked
> "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded so the Englishman said
> to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.
> >
> > The third patron to come into the restaurant was
> a Democrat. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered
> "Hey there sweet thing, hows about gettin' me a cold glass of
> Coke!". He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy
> over there?" The waitress nodded so the Democrat said to give Jesus
> a cold glass of coke too.
> >
> > As Jesus got up to leave. He passed by the
> Irishman and touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed." The
> Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and
> danced a jig out the door.
> >
> >
> > Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him
> and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his
> back straightening up and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord
> and did a series of back flips out the door.
> >
> > Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The
> Democrat jumps up and yells, "Hey man, don't touch me......I'm drawin'
> disability!"

[Caliente]

UPGRADING TO HUSBAND 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely, XXX

Dear XXX:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

[signoftimes]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants.
After an hour or so, the bartender stops and asks the pirate, "Do you realize you have a steering wheel stuck down your pants?'

The pirate replies, (in my best pirate voice) "Aaarrrrgggh, It's driving me nuts"