Taken from My."San Antonia".com

[ZueriMav]

A reading found at my.sanantonio.com
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Either I don't understand San Antonia's sense of humor, or they don't like being kicked by our Mavs [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]

GO MAVS!!!

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Lotto Man: I like nothing about the Mavericks MySanAntonio.com Web Posted : 05/19/2003 10:03 AM

If Kansas is America’s heartland and Hearne is where Texas gets an enema, then Dallas is humanity’s cold, empty stare.

Like a 45-minute, commercial-free block of Ashford & Simpson, Dallas is a vapid wasteland of Expedition-driving, Pilates-Nazi soccer moms and over-perfumed, Grecian-Formula-soaked, tucked-in T-shirt-wearing Little League dads.

If it’s pretentious, it’s Dallas. If it’s overblown and over hyped, it’s Dallas. If it’s gaudy and in bad taste, it’s Dallas.

If these numbskulls aren’t wife-swappers in gold chains, they’re religious bigots who’ve OD’d on Aqua Net.

That’s why it’s imperative that the San Antonio Spurs once again put down those worthless half-court gunners from Dallas, a.k.a. the Mavericks, like the dogs they are, in Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals tonight.

This isn’t about basketball. This is about the American way of life. This is every class-warfare movie, from “Meatballs” to “Revenge of the Nerds.” This is the rich kids (them) being humbled and taught a lesson by the blue-collar, regular Joes (us).

I like nothing about the Mavericks.

Steve Nash? He’s Canadian, and everyone knows Canadians are the worthless brothers-in-law of the international community.

Dirk Nowitski? He’s German, and we really appreciate their support in the geo-political arena. Apparently, Germans don’t like to wage war unless they are the ones who start it. Of course, if they had helped, we would’ve gotten our butts kicked.

Michael Finley? Glad you finally lost the Jheri-curls. I’ll bet that back in the day, your Fade was all-the-way-live.

It starts tonight. I hope their fans who want to fly down are re-routed to Shreveport because of the smoke. And I hope their fans who drive end up caught in Austin traffic. Losers.

UNDEAD AND UNATTRACTIVE
Speaking of Dallas and other things that suck, here’s something that’s plagued me for years -- why do critics, academics and other knuckleheads always use the term “erotic” when describing Dracula and the vampire myth?

To the best of my knowledge, there’s nothing arousing about a guy who can turn himself into a flying rodent and who rips open skin to drink blood.

Repugnant? Yes. Gross? Certainly. Erotic? Hell no.

That said, a bunch of these Nosferat-dorks are gathering in Transylvania this week for -- I kid you not -- the World Dracula Congress. They will gather to … uh, I’m not sure actually. Act stupid, I guess.

What’s the only thing worse than losers dressed up in pointy ears, thinking they’re aliens? Why, that would be horny losers dressed up like Bela Lugosi, thinking they’re both immortal and hot.

YOU CAN’T BEAT S.A. WEATHER
The Dracula losers aren’t hot, but the weather down here has been.

Yesterday, it was so hot that when I peeked into the kitchen of my favorite River Walk restaurant, I saw a cockroach fanning himself with a tortilla chip.

ANOTHER WEATHER JOKE
It was so hot yesterday at the convenience store near my house, the Scowling Clerk had beehive vapor lock.

LAST ONE
It was so hot, I saw a homeless guy who was so sweaty, he made a dollar taking a squeegee to himself.

MATRIX: REDUX
On the Texas Lottery Commission Web site, they refer to the changes in the six-ball game -- five balls picked from a field of 44 and one ball from a second field of 44 -- as “the new Lotto Texas matrix.’’

Come to think of it, the lottery is a lot like “The Matrix.”

It ain’t real, it’s feeding off us, and it’s making a lot of money for someone who isn’t me.

HOW I DID
Worse than a Dallas guy who goes to a topless bar for the $3.99 prime rib lunch special. I’m down $28

(Lotto Man: good. Fire: bad. New columns run Mondays and Thursdays, only on MySanAntonio.com.)