Jokes

[nashtymavsfan13]

Originally Posted by Arne

What's so funny about that one?

and "repaint" instead of "repent"

[chumdawg]

Originally Posted by twelli

don't carousels go counterclockwise? the valley should be on the right side...

In the southern hemisphere they go clockwise.

[Five-ofan]

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a dump."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my butt." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your butt with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

This originally had alot of cursing but i edited it. Its a little funnier with the cursing but i promised not to curse anymore.

[Five-ofan]

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

[Five-ofan]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"


And



Three men are trying to find a fourth for their golf game when a woman overhears them. She asks if she can play and they agree. She ends up scoring a few over par as did the men. At the 18th, they ask her to come back next week. She agrees, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week, sure enough the woman shows up at 6:30 except this time she plays left handed! The men are amazed, she scores about the same! The next week, 6:30 and back to right handed. At the 18th, one of the men asks her, so how do you decide if you are going to play left or right handed. She says, "If I roll over and my husbands' penis is pointing to the left, I play left handed, if it's pointing to the right, I play right handed." One of the other guys asks, "What if it's standing straight up?" She smiles and says, "I'll be here at 6:45!"

and

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

[Five-ofan]

The Texas State Legislator decided to take a state-wide poll to see if the citizens thought there was a problem with too many illegal immigrants. Here's the results...

7% Said, Yes

2% Said, No

81% Said, Que? No habla ingles

[Five-ofan]

the teacher was asking little johnny "If there are 3 birds on a fence and I shoot one how many are left?" little johnny says "none, after you shot one the other two wold be scared by the gunshot" the teacher replies " no the answer is 1 but I like the way you think" then little johnny said "ok mrs. nelson I have a question for you! if there are three woman eating ice cream, one licking the cone, one biting the cone, and one sucking the cone, which one is married?" and the teacher says I would guess the one sucking the cone?" Little johnny says" no, its the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think, heres a nother. I have something in my pants that is hard and has a round head, what is it?" then the teacher exclaims LITTLE JOHNNNY! and johnny says actually..its a quarter but I like the way you think

[nashtymavsfan13]

Lol those are pretty funny 5-0.

[mqywaaah]

Is Little Johnny's teach Hot?

Teach must be hot!

[Five-ofan]

I said i wouldnt curse any more so i will worn you that this contains cursing for those who want to keep their children from seeing it.



A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They
are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates pass St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a
penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched with the tip
of my finger..." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy
water and pass through the gates."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever
had contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies,
"Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ass in it!"

[Five-ofan]

A local drunk is sitting in his favorite pub, barely balancing on his seat, when he asks the bartender for "another fookin' pint." legally, the bartender shouldn't serve the man another beer, but he decides to have some fun with the man.


"sure, Sean, I'll give yea another pint, just as soon as you complete three tasks."


the inebriated man stands up, pumps out his chest and agrees to the challenge.


"allright then, lad." says the bartender. "First task is an easy one: you've got to hop up on this here bar, and sing us a song, with a dance. no fallin' off. Second task: my gaurd dog is sittin' out back. he's got a rotten tooth, and its givin' him quite a bit of pain. made him even mean to me. you need to pull it. third, me mum is livin' with me upstairs. you've got to go up there, and show her a good time if you know what I mean. Get to it, son."


the drunk hops up onto the bar, and to the suprise of everyone watching, does a flawless jig to a lively song. He then hops down, and goes out back. after a couple seconds, the people here the whimpers of a dog. The man enters the pub again after a few minutes, and, in a panting voice, says, "now where's the old broad with the loose tooth?!?!"

[Five-ofan]

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered

I am going to bring this thread back

[Five-ofan]

Scientific Explanation of Hell.
Subject: Is hell exothermic or endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.

So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell; let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year that "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night and again this morning, then number 2 must be true, and hell has already frozen over, thus meaning that Hell is no longer accepting any souls leaving only heaven, therefore proving the existence of a divine being; thus explaining why she kept shouting, "Oh my God!!!!!!"

The student received the only "A".

[Five-ofan]

Cursing alert at the end for those with children


While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the speed limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smile (we all know and love), asked, "whats the hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she replied.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well,", she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up -- two fingers, then three, then four, then get my whole hand in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"Oh yeah", he said, "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


Traffic Ticket: $125.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The Look on the Cops Face: PRICELESS.

[twelli]

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, "Dad"

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter
with trembling hands:


Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you
and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew
you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, and
her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I
am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in
the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We
share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in
the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to
know your grandchildren.

Your son,
Chad


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my desk drawer.


I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[Five-ofan]

Originally Posted by twelli

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, "Dad"

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter
with trembling hands:


Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you
and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew
you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, and
her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I
am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in
the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We
share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in
the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to
know your grandchildren.

Your son,
Chad


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my desk drawer.


I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Haha

[nashtymavsfan13]

That's a good one twelli!

I should try that sometime........

[Usually Lurkin]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day."
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock."Well," she says, I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.
"Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the @#*@ out of him."

[Five-ofan]

Originally Posted by Usually Lurkin

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day."
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock."Well," she says, I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.
"Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the @#*@ out of him."

Im fairly certain that a different version of that is in one of the other joke threads but i love that joke.

[Flacolaco]

Yeah if she could give us that address she was going to use for the valentine that would be really awesome.....

or I guess a different ending to the joke is "that's sweet honey....but where the F%#@ are you going to send it to?"

[Usually Lurkin]

Originally Posted by Five-ofan

Im fairly certain that a different version of that is in one of the other joke threads but i love that joke.

ah, we need an index

[Ninkobei]

For you techies out there..


Murphy's Computing Laws --- Treat 'Em as Gospel Folks...

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it's downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
12. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
13. The computer will work perfectly at the repair shop.
14. Never test an error condition you don't know how to handle.
And Finally:
15. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

These are our 15 Commandments. Live by them or be prepared to put your head thru a wall in fustration.

[Five-ofan]

The businessman was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from university and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings."


And Another


A young couple get a free golf club membership trial at a prestigious country club. They have never played golf before and are just going because its free. The husband tells his wife before she swings to be extra careful because there are very expensive houses nearby.

she takes her first swing and crash! she shatters a house window nearby. the husband says i told you to be careful, lets go see how much damage was done and pay for it.

they enter the house and they see the broken glass, the golf ball, and what appears to be a golden lamp. A fat guy on the coach says "i am the genie of the lamp, you have awaken me after 2,000 years, i will give you 2 wishes madaam but i would ask 1 wish in return" the couple say ok.

the wife thinks and says, "i want 10million dollars", the genie snaps his fingers and says "done". the second wish say the wife is "i want a house in every city in every country" the genie snaps his fingers and says "done". the couple at this time are very excited.

the genie says "ok now i would like my wish in return". the husband says "what can we possibly give you? the genie says "i have been sealed for 2,000 years, i want to have sex with your wife." the husband thinks for a minute and says "hell i got $10million, sure go ahead."

so the genie takes the mans wife into the room and starts banging her...after an hour or so of straight romping, the genie says to the lady, "how old is your husband anyway?" "34, why?" "and he still believes in genies, thats amazing!"

[bernardos70]

Here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!







1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation,or BASKETBALL.


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

[DavidDaMonkey]

Whats the hardest part about rollerblading?










Telling your dad that you're gay.

[Flacolaco]

bleh....

[Ninkobei]

A boy comes home from school to ask his dad about a disscusion between hypothetically and therotically. His dad replies "ok son, go ask your mom if she would screw the mailman for $1,000,000 and ask you sister if she would screw her chemistry partner for $1,000,000 and come back and tell me what they say" So he goes and asks his mom " would you screw the mailman for $1,000,000?" she says "sure I would" and he asks his sister if she would screw her chemistry partner for $1,000,000 she said "well hell yea!" and he goes back to his dad and tels him and he replies "ok son hypothetically we live with two Millionaires and therotically we live with two sluts.