Some are lame, but some are pretty good.
• Rangers crowds are so small, only two dots showed up for the race.
• The atmosphere is so bleak at The Ballpark, couples are divorcing on the JumboTRON between innings.
• The sign above the home run porch now says "Hit it anywhere and win a free suit."
• The Rangers are so bad, advertisers want to sponsor pitching changes to get the most bang for their bucks.
• Ushers are now required to wake people during the seventh-inning stretch.
• Chalupas offered to fans if the team gets an RBI.
• The Rangers base runners are discovering what middle-aged people have been saying for years. "You can't go home again."
• How are the Rangers cutting back on expenses? Pitchers now have to hitchhike to Oklahoma City.
• The Rangers crowds are so small, the team is having to pay extras for their fan cam.
• Ranger crowds are so small, Tom Hicks is hoping to attract customers by renaming his stadium, "The Flea Market in Arlington."
• The Rangers are so bad, they are showing Royals highlights between innings.
• The Rangers are so bad, Jay Leno won't talk about them on the "Tonight Show" because "it's too easy."
• The Rangers are so bad, Attorney General John Cornyn is suing to get the word Texas removed from their name.
• The Rangers have more guys left on base than Fort Hood. Fans in the outfield are doing the wave goodbye.
• The Home Run Porch has been renamed Death Valley.
• The Rangers have struggled with losers this year more than Britney Spears at an autograph session.
• The Rangers have more used-up pitchers than fraternities do.
• The Rangers are so bad, they have more DL prospects than DH prospects.
• The Rangers run slower than a lawnmower with a double A battery.
• The Rangers are so bad, the season's highlight reel will be a tribute to Kevin Mench.
• The Rangers are so bad, they have allowed more hits than Horshack did on "Celebrity Boxing."
• Rangers pitchers have three pitches: fastball, curveball and long ball.
• The roster in the program says, "Your guess is as good as ours."
• The Rangers are so bad, the Rafael Palmeiro ads are embarrassing Viagra and not the other way around.
• The Rangers are so bad, their scouts had stopwatches and contracts in hand for the annual "Kids run the bases" promotion.
• The Rangers had to cancel their annual "Bat Day" promotion because they couldn't find any at The Ballpark.
• The Rangers are so bad, Nolan Ryan has run out of Advil.
• The Rangers are so bad, they have asked Nike to design a bag for their heads in Rangers colors.
__________________
At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell. – Thomas Fuller
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