Daily Joke thread

[veruca salt]

I didn't say they were going to be good....

Q: What is a shitsu?


A: A zoo with no animals


Patient: "Doctor Doctor every time I listen to
classical music i get pains up my spine.
Doctor: "Ah, its ok.. you've just a spot of Bach-ache."

(hahaha sooo lame, i laugh my arse off everytime!)

[Caliente]

How do you know it's summer in Texas?

You notice your radiator is overheating, before you start your car.

You no longer associate bridges with water.

The thermometer in the lid of your Bar-B-Que Grill shows 150 degrees, before you light it.

You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

You hear the weather forecast for 105 degrees without flinching.

You discover, it only takes two fingers to drive your car,
because your steering wheel is so hot.

You can make instant sun tea ....instantly.

The best parking is determined by shade.....not distance.

Hotter water comes from the cold water tap.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

Sunscreen is sold year round, it is always kept right at the
checkout counter.

Sunscreen with less than 50 spf is called 'hand cream."

You put on fresh sunscreen just to go check the mail box.

Some fools market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them. Worse...a lot of fools actually try to jog.

When hot air balloons can't rise because the outside air is Hotter than the air inside the balloon.

When velour is considered the deluxe interior, rather than stick to your butt leather.

You see two trees fighting over a dog.

[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img]

[Dirk41= konsesjonen]

"I didn't say they were going to be good....

Q: What is a shitsu?


A: A zoo with no animals"

Lol, thats pretty good.

[Caliente]

Thoughts for the day

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

15. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

20. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

21. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

23. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

24. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

25. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

26. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

36. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

37. The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

41. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

43. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

44. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

45. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

47. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

50. Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!

51. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

52. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand ....

53. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

[Caliente]

Biker joke


Drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest,
meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I
saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still
says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and
says, "Grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"

[Chiwas]

My top 7:

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

47. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

52. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand ....

48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

25. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

[Psychedelic Fuzz]

two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

ok so these two necrophiliacs are...nevermind.

[u2sarajevo]

Why didn't the cannibal eat the clown?





















Because he tasted funny. [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday

FOR SALE -- Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

Kentucky:
Five Million People,
Fifteen Last Names.

JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question....
....or is it?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt her.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

First draw the curve, then plot the data.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

[u2sarajevo]

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

This is not a joke, but reading this in Caliente's post reminded me of another marketing ploy that just drives me nuts!!!!

It's the "Freshly baked" you see at the store. Well duh? Can you actually bake something not freshly? When it comes out of the dang oven, is it not fresh from the oven, thus freshly baked? The bread could be sitting on the shelf for 3 weeks and still be freshly baked. How else do you bake bread? "Could you give me a loaf of stalely baked bread?" Sorry... but this just annoys the freaking HECK out of me.

That drives me nuts. Oh, and organically grown fruit.... HELLO?????? "I would like some inorganic strawberries please? You know, the plastic ones....."?????!!!!?!??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!

#$@#!@##$$%$$#@####@@ it all to $$#@

edit: formatting... [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-blush.gif[/img]

[Caliente]

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again....

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em."

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here....

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change......!!!

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

This patient has already had some kids, right?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think this is sharp enough.

She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!

Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

A cheerful heart is good medicine... Prov 17:22a (NIV)

[Chiwas]

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four."

The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

[Caliente]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of
alcohol containers:
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the h#ll
> happened to your br@ and p@nties.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think YOU ARE WHISPERING
> WHEN YOU ARE NOT.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
spaz.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
> converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting on them.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
> tougher,smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
> laughing "WITH" you.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
>
> WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe rel
gode.

[Chiwas]

Two Engineers agree to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know how tall it is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way. While trying to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a Designer. After asking what they're doing he replies, "that's easy". He then reaches around the pole and pulls it out of the ground and lays it down. "There you go", he said as he walked away.

The two Engineers look at each other and one said "that stupid guy will never get anywhere, we don't need to know how wide it is, just how tall".

[Drbio]

Fred will never forget that horrible evening he took
his grandmother to the emergency room.

After an hour of pacing, the doctor said,
"Fred, your grandmother is on a life support system.
Although her brain is dead, her heart is still beating."

Fred then said, "Oh my God, we've never had a Democrat in the family before."

[Chiwas]

I found this very funny:


A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.

The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly and all said, "So, where y'all from?"

The Wisconsin girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Oklahoma sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"


I have been in Wisconsin, but not in Oklahoma, BTW.

[OzMavs]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn; I wish I was a shark. Then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold; he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", was the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.

As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.


He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again. "Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. "Justin cried back "No, I'm not.

That was the old me. I've changed.".....................





"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"

[Chiwas]

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says,"Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious?

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you do have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads

[mavsfanforever]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[Chiwas]

The Procrastinator's Creed

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.

I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

[Ummmmm Ok]

Prison & Work

In prison...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
At work...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

In prison...you get three meals a day.
At work...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

In prison...you get time off for good behavior.
At work...you get more work for good behavior.

In prison...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

In prison...you can watch TV and play games.
At work...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison...you get your own toilet.
At work...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

In prison...they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work...you can't even speak to your family.

In prison...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
At work...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
At work...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.(Personal favorite)

In prison...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
At work...they are called supervisors.

[Chiwas]

[Chiwas]

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

[Chiwas]

Hehehe, I liked this one:

"Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

[Caliente]

I finally got a new primary care physician.

After exhaustive tests, he said I am doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking "Do you
think I'll live to be 90?"

Doc asked, "Do you use tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done those things."

Doc: "Do you eat things like big steaks and BBQ'd ribs, sausage etc. ??

"Nope, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"

Doc: "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?", he then
inquired.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

Doc: "Then tell me, sir, why in hell you'd want to live to be 90 ??


[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img]

[Chiwas]

Very true, Caliente. Another one:

Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir.

A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.

[Psychedelic Fuzz]

Ok guys, this one is so bad it's painful.......
A frog walks into a bank and asks for a loan. He is led to the loan officer's cubicle.
Loan Officer: "Hello, my name is Fred Paddywhack, and i'm the loan officer here."
Frog:"Hello, my name is kermit richards, and I need a loan"
-"Richards?"
-"Yes, my father is keith richards. he got drunk in a swamp one day, and well, you know. Can you give me a
loan?"
-"Well, do you have any collateral?"
At this point, the frog hands the loan officer a small carved wooden elephant. The loan officer examines the elephant, and then goes to consult the bank president.
Loan officer: "There's a frog in my office wanting a loan, and all he has for collateral is this"
The bank president picks up the elephant and says.......

get ready for this..............


That's a knick knack, Paddywhack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone.
sorry, a professor told me that one this morning and I had to share it.

[Chiwas]

"We could name it Monica".

[Caliente]

I don't agree with a few. But it's an oldie but goodie.


> **50 GOOD REASONS TO BE A WOMAN
>
> 1. Free drinks.
>
> 2. Free dinners.
>
> 3. Free movies (you get the point).
>
> 4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
>
> 5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
>
> 6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.
>
> 7. Speeding ticket? What's that?
>
> 8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
>
> 9. You never had to walk down the hall with
> your binder strategically positioned in high school.
>
> 10. If you have sex with someone and don't call
> them the next day, you're not the devil.
>
> 11. Condoms make no significant difference in
> your enjoyment of sex.
>
> 12. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you
> can say so, out loud.
>
> 13. If you're not making enough money you can
> blame the glass ceiling.
>
> 14. You can sleep your way to the top.
>
> 15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
>
> 16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
>
> 17. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a
> group shower.
>
> 18. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
>
> 19. Brad Pitt.
>
> 20. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
>
> 21. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume
> it's because you're being emotionally neglected.
>
> 22. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
>
> 23. You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
>
> 24. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
>
> 25. If you think the person you're dating really
> likes you, you don't have to break up with them.
>
> 26. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
>
> 27. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
>
> 28. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass.
>
> 29. If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
>
> 30. You never have to reach down every so often
> to make sure your privates are still there.
>
> 31. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
>
> 32. You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
>
> 33. You have the ability to dress yourself.
>
> 34. You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
>
> 35. You can talk to people of the opposite sex
> without having to picture them naked.
>
> 36. If you marry someone 20 years younger,
> you're aware that you look like an idiot.
>
> 37. If you're wearing cologne, you don't have to
> pretend it's after shave.
>
> 38. You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
>
> 39. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
>
> 40. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
>
> 41. Your friends won't think you're weird if you
> ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
>
> 42. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
>
> 43. You've never had a goatee.
>
> 44. Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.
>
> 45. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
>
> 46. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
>
> 47. You'll never discover you've been duped by a Wonderbra.
>
> 48. You don't have hair on your back.
>
> 49. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
>
> 50. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
>

[Chiwas]

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?"

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

[Chiwas]

Sports store's employee to Marge Simpson:

"Spell 'cup'"

Marge:

"c-u-....OMG!"

[Chiwas]

A lonely, elderly widower loved his cat so dearly that he tried to teach it to talk. "If I can get Tabby to talk with me," he reasoned, "I won't have to bother with ornery human beings at all!"

First, the man tried feeding the cat a diet of canned salmon, then one of canaries. Tabby obviously loved both, but still wouldn't learn to talk.

Then, one day years after he had begun the project, the man had two parrots cooked in butter and served to Tabby with asparagus and French fries. Tabby eagerly licked the plate clean.

Then, wonder of wonders, the cat suddenly turned to her master and shouted, "Look out!"

The startled widower just stared at the cat in shock. He didn't move a muscle.

Suddenly, the ceiling caved in and buried the poor man, but Tabby survived by jumping out of the way.

The cat shook her head in disgust and said, "Eight years he spends trying to get me to talk and then, when I do, the idiot doesn't listen."

[Caliente]

> An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a
> restaurant one afternoon.
>
> > He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the
> waitress for a cup of
> > coffee, he looked across the restaurant and asked,
> "Is that Jesus over
>
> > there?". The waitress nodded so the Irishman told
> her to give Jesus a
> > cup of coffee too.
> >
> > The next patron to come in was an Englishman
> with a hunched back. He
>
> > shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress
> for a glass of hot
> > tea.
> >
> > He also glanced across the restaurant and asked
> "Is that Jesus over
> > there?" The waitress nodded so the Englishman said
> to give Jesus a cup
>
> > of hot tea too.
> >
> > The third patron to come into the restaurant was
> a Democrat. He
> > swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered
> "Hey there sweet
> > thing, hows about gettin' me a cold glass of
> Coke!". He too looked
> > across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy
> over there?" The
> > waitress nodded so the Democrat said to give Jesus
> a cold glass of
> > coke too.
> >
> > As Jesus got up to leave. He passed by the
> Irishman and touched him
> > and said "For your kindness, you are healed." The
> Irishman felt the
> > strength come back into his leg and got up and
> danced a jig out the
> > door.
> >
> >
> > Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him
> and said, "For your
> > kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his
> back straightening
> > up and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord
> and did a series of
> > back flips out the door.
> >
> > Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The
> Democrat jumps up and
> > yells, "Hey man, don't touch me......I'm drawin'
> disability!"
> >

[Caliente]

A man lost both ears in an accident.
No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.
He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said,
"yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
he morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells,
"You swine, you gave me a woman's ears." "Well, an ear is an ear,
it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong, I hear everything ........... but I don't understand a
thing!"

[WayOutWest]

Snobio the Laker fan.

Snobio the Laker fan fan travels to San Antonio after the NBA finals to become a Spurs fan. He goes strait to city hall to find out what's required in order to become a Spurs fan. He's told by a clerk to visit a certain doctor uptown. He visits the doctor and the doctor tells him that in order for a Laker fan to become a Spurs fan he must have half of his brain removed. Snobio agrees and makes an appointment for the surgery. Snobio goes into surgery and is under the knife for over 18 hours.

Two days later Snobio wakes up in the recovery room surrounded by a dozen doctors and nurses with very concerned faces. Snobio is a bit dissoriented but is able to recognize his doctor. The doctor has a very worried and sad look on his face. He tells Snobio that the surgery didn't go as planned. The surgens tried and tried with all their might to remove half of Snobios brain but to no avail. As hard as the surgens tried with all their skills they were not able to safely remove only half his brain. Because they were at a surgical point of no returned the surgens had not choice but to remove Snobios ENTIRE brain.

After hearing the doctors explanation all Snobio said was "Go Mavs!"

[u2sarajevo]

Originally posted by: WayOutWest
Snobio the Laker fan.

Snobio the Laker fan fan travels to San Antonio after the NBA finals to become a Spurs fan. He goes strait to city hall to find out what's required in order to become a Spurs fan. He's told by a clerk to visit a certain doctor uptown. He visits the doctor and the doctor tells him that in order for a Laker fan to become a Spurs fan he must have half of his brain removed. Snobio agrees and makes an appointment for the surgery. Snobio goes into surgery and is under the knife for over 18 hours.

Two days later Snobio wakes up in the recovery room surrounded by a dozen doctors and nurses with very concerned faces. Snobio is a bit dissoriented but is able to recognize his doctor. The doctor has a very worried and sad look on his face. He tells Snobio that the surgery didn't go as planned. The surgens tried and tried with all their might to remove half of Snobios brain but to no avail. As hard as the surgens tried with all their skills they were not able to safely remove only half his brain. Because they were at a surgical point of no returned the surgens had not choice but to remove Snobios ENTIRE brain.

After hearing the doctors explanation all Snobio said was "Go Mavs!"

Man... you have some nerve...

[WayOutWest]

Originally posted by: u2sarajevo
Man... you have some nerve...

Is a sense of humor considered a "nerve"?

I'll rewrite one I've heard for you if it helps:

Mavs fans walks into a crowded bar at happy hour on a Friday and screams: "Laker fans are all @ssholes!"

A voice from the back of the bar shouts back "Hey buddy watch what you're saying!".

Mavs fan yells back: "Why are you a Laker fan?"

Voice from back yells back: "No, I'm an @sshole!"

[u2sarajevo]

Why don't you go to a Lakers board and post that. I guess they might find it funny over there. But the majority of us here are Maverick fans and would find no humor in that joke you posted.

That is what I mean by some nerve.

[Big Boy Laroux]

i thought it was funny. just cause we all know WoW is a laker fan. a brash one at that. [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img]

[WayOutWest]

Originally posted by: u2sarajevo
Why don't you go to a Lakers board and post that. I guess they might find it funny over there. But the majority of us here are Maverick fans and would find no humor in that joke you posted.

That is what I mean by some nerve.

I know what you meant, my response was a joke.

I've posted it on a couple of other boards and not one whinny reponse.

Here's a joke I heard on another board:

One day in little Johnny's 4th grade class the teacher was going around the class asking each student to talk about their dads job. When the teacher got to little Johnny he responded "I'd rather not talk about it." The teacher persisted stating that everyone else in the class had answered the question. The teacher would not let little Johnny off the hook so little Johnny responded "Fine! My dad works at a gay strip club. He get's naked on stage and has strange men throw dollor bills at him and sometime they stuff it in his g-string. On some nights he'll meet a customer or two in the back of the club and have sex with them for money." The silence was deafening and the teacher was too shocked to reponsd. The silence continued for 5 minutes until the school bell rang.

As little Johnny was leaving the teacher came to her senses and approached little Johnny. She told little Johnny that she was sorry for forcing Johnny to tell the story. Little Johnny said "don't worry about it, it's not really true. I just made up that story cause I'm too embarrised to tell anyone that my dad plays for the Portland Trailblazers."

FYI: I read it on a Blazers board.