Daily Joke thread

[mavsfanforever]

Post your jokes on this thread. Just to make the day a little better. Here's one

Picture perfect

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

[mavsfanforever]

True Football Fan

Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No".
I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died."

"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.

He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."

[Nash13]

Here's one:

A friend of mine's mom said to him: "You son of a bitch."

[Mandyahl]

teehee.

[mavsfanforever]

Yankees -vs- Red Sox

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

[Mandyahl]

why aren't there two yogi bears?

because they made a booboo when they tried to make the second.

hahahaha

[Novice#41]

Why English Is A Pain To Learn

* the bandage was wound around the wound.
* the farm was used to produce produce.
* the dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
* he could lead if he would get the lead out.
* the soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
* since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
* a bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
* when shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
* a seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
* the insurance was invalid for the invalid.
* there was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
* they were too close to the door to close it.
* the buck does funny things when the does are present.
* to help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
* the wind was too strong to wind the sail.
* after a number of injections my jaw got number.
* upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
* i had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
* how can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]

[cookies_n_mavs]

Originally posted by: Novice#41
Why English Is A Pain To Learn

* the bandage was wound around the wound.
* the farm was used to produce produce.
* the dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
* he could lead if he would get the lead out.
* the soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
* since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
* a bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
* when shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
* a seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
* the insurance was invalid for the invalid.
* there was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
* they were too close to the door to close it.
* the buck does funny things when the does are present.
* to help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
* the wind was too strong to wind the sail.
* after a number of injections my jaw got number.
* upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
* i had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
* how can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]

My head hurts..whoah.

[Novice#41]

hahaha [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img]...

Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody,
Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody
would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. When Nobody did it, Everybody
got angry, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Somebody would do it,
but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.

So consequently, Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have
done in the first place.

[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img]

[Mandyahl]

ahhh head spinning!

[mavsfanforever]

Fooled You

Whats another name for a push-up bra?
False advertisement

[Chiwas]

Originally posted by: cookies_n_mavs

My head hurts..whoah.

My head has hurt since 9 months ago when I decided to try english in this place. This novice's list is a good summary of my torment. [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif[/img] [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-shocked.gif[/img]

[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]





Edit: Spelling. [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif[/img][img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif[/img][img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif[/img] (told you)

[mavsfanforever]

A sailor walked into a bar with a small ...

A sailor walked into a bar with a small head.
The bartender asked what happened.

The sailor said, "My boat sank. I was adrift for 3 days when I saw a mermaid."

She said, "I will grant you three wishes."

The sailor continued, "I wished there was a boat and suddenly I heard 'toot toot' for there was a boat on the horizon. Then I wished I looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I did."

Then I said, "I wish you would give me a little head."

[Mandyahl]

two guys walked into a bar.

the third guy ducked.

[Ummmmm Ok]

two peanuts walked into a bar, one of them was assaulted.

(saw this on a sign at a church in flower mound the other day)

[mavsfanforever]

Where's the Soup?

Yo mama so stupid, she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl.

[Chiwas]

Office Hierarchy

From: General Manager
To: Departmental Heads
On Friday evening at 5 p.m., Halley's Comet will be visible in
this area—an event which occurs only once every 76 years.
Please have the employees assemble in the park area outside
the building and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them.
In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so
assemble the employees in the canteen and I will show them
a film of it.
===========================================
From: Departmental Heads
To: Deputy Departmental Heads
By order of the General Manager on Friday at 5p.m., Halley's Comet
will appear above the area outside the building. If it rains, please
assemble the employees and proceed to the canteen, where this rare
phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only every 76 years.
===========================================
From: Deputy Departmental Heads
To: Superintendent
By the order of the General Manager, at 5 p.m. on Friday, the
phenomenal Halley's comet will appear in the canteen. In case
of rain in the area outside the building, the General Manager
will give another order, something which occurs only once every 76 years.
===========================================
From: Superintendent
To: Foreman
On Friday at 5 p.m., the General Manager will appear in the
canteen with Halley's Comet, something which happens every 76
years. But if it rains, the General Manager will order the
comet into the area outside the building.
===========================================
From: Foreman
To: Team Leader
When it rains on Friday at 5 p.m., the phenomenal 76 year old
Bill Halley, accompanied by his comets, will drive the General
Manager through the area outside the building into the canteen.

[Mandyahl]

oh goodness, chiwas.

[Mandyahl]

Two cows are standing in field.

One turns to the other and says "This whole mad cow disease thing has me a little scared.What about you?"

The other cow says "Why should I be scared? I'm a helicopter."

[mavsfanforever]

Deadly Waves for Dumb Momas

Yo mama's so dumb, she drowned during the wave at the football stadium.

[Chiwas]

Have you recently been diagnosed with AAADD?

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it goes...


I decide to clean off the front patio. I start to the patio and notice mail on the desk that needs to be taken down to the Post Office. OK, I'm going to the Post Office . . .

BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail that was delivered. I lay the car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk . . .

BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills . . . Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty coffee cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks . . .

BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I start to head for the kitchen and look out at my balcony, notice the flowers need a drink of water because of the extreme heat. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter.

What are they doing here? I'll just put them away . . .

BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and . . .

Aaaagh!!! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants on my balcony . . .

BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: The patio has not been cleaned, bills still unpaid, cup still on the counter, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys . . .

And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because . . .

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!

I realize this condition is serious...

I'd get help...

BUT FIRST . . . I think I'll check my e-mail.

[mavsfanforever]

Yo mama so short...

Yo mama so short, she did a suicide jump off of the curb

[u2sarajevo]

Yo mammas so big, when she wears her yellow dress the kids try to board her.

[MFFL]

What do you call a leper in a hot tub?

Soup

[Mandyahl]

i thought the answer to that one was stu

[dallas_esq]

Yo mamma's so slow it takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

[u2sarajevo]

Yo mamma is so fat, every time she wears high heels she strikes oil.

[mavsfanforever]

Yo mama so skinny, she can hoola hoop a cheerio.

[u2sarajevo]

Yo mamma is so stupid, she invented a solar powered flashlight.

[dallas_esq]

Yo mamma is so skinny she has to run around in the shower to get wet.

[u2sarajevo]

Yo mamma's so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth.

[dallas_esq]

I was over at your house the other day and I saw a lit cigarrette burning on the floor. So I stepped on it. Yo mamma came out of the other room saying, "Who turned off the damn heater?"

[u2sarajevo]

Yo momma's so ugly, she looked out the window and the police fined her for mooning.

[Chiwas]

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

[mavsfanforever]

Arnold for Governer.

[Nicky31]

A quote from Arnold as govenor

if you are not doing your job; then osti lavista baby

[jacktruth]

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and anal thermometer?





























the taste.

[Caliente]

This is a blonde joke. No offense is meant to blondes or any other hair colors.


A blonde pushes her car into the gas station, saying it won't start.

Within a few minutes, the mechanic has it running smoothly.

"Well, what's the story?" asks the blonde.

"Just crap in the carburetor," says the mechanic.

The blonde says, "How often do I have to do that?"


[img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img]

[Chiwas]

Top 10 Most Brilliant Advertising Mess Ups

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke- la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko- le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

[Dirk41= konsesjonen]

A preist, a child molester and a pedofile walked into a bar.........




















And that was just the first person [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img]