Resumania...silly things people have put on resumes and applications

[southern_sweets]

Education: "Bachelor of engineering. Passed out in top 2 percent."

Hope someone was there to catch you.


Salary desired: "Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job."

Any interest in what we need?


Salary, benefits and other requirements: "$90,000 per year plus agreed-upon performance bonus. Four weeks vacation and 10 paid personal days. Company-paid life and health insurance. First-class airline and hotels when traveling on business. Realistic expense account. Office with windows, secretary."

Is that all?


Bad traits: "I am very bad about time and don't mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn't make sense to me. What does make sense is that I do the job. Any company that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare."

We already do.


Work experience: "Two years as a blackjack and baccarat dealer. Strong emphasis on customer relations - a constant challenge considering how much money people lose and how angry they can get."

Was hazard pay an option?

Cover letter: "I do not seriously feel I am readily employable. While this statement does not fit well into potential employment situations, my belief is that complete disclosure is the only reasonable approach."

Thanks for fessing up.


Cover letter: "I am enthusiastic and people like me."

From the Stuart Smalley Career Counseling Institute.


Accomplishments: "Graduated in the top 70 percent of my class."

Congratulations.


Achievements: "First runner-up for Miss Fort Worth, 1982."

Outstanding …


Reason for leaving: "Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

We're glad you're not bitter.


Cover letter: "Although I am seeking an accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may seem discouraging."

Really?


Experience: "Watered, groomed and fed the family dog for years."

Did watering help him grow faster?


Reason for leaving last job: "Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state."

Does accounting truly interest you?


Cover letter: "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

Thanks for the warning.


Accomplishments: "Raised over $6,000 for an organization by sitting on a commode."

There is such a thing as "too much information."


Objective: "To become Overlord of the Galaxy!"

Oh, sorry - we just filled that position.


Office equipment experience: "Stapler."

Did you find it tough to master?


Experience: "Responsibilities included recruiting, screening, interviewing and executing final candidates."

Seems kind of harsh ...


Experience: "Twin brother has accounting degree."

Can we have his number?


Objective: "My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can't do that, I'll settle on being an accountant."

Your enthusiasm is overwhelming.


Awards: "National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes."

Can't wait to see you at the office holiday party.


Cover letter: "Salary demanded - $65,000."

Would you like that in small, unmarked bills?


Personal: "Rabid sports fan."

I hear there's a vaccine for that.


Resume: "I am a 'neat nut' with a reputation for being hardnosed. I have no patience for sloppywork, carelessmistakes and theft of companytime."

If only he'd found the space bar on his keyboard.


Cover letter: "Please disregard the attached resume - it is terribly out of date."

OK - next!


Cover letter: "Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."

It's Gumby!


Cover letter: "My top motivator is MONEY. If asked to choose between a professional desk job and one sanitizing a barnhouse that pays more, I'm headed for the farm."

The dark side of career management.


Accomplishments: "Flunked CPA exam with relatively high grades."

That's quite an achievement.


Experience: "I was involved in every aspect of the business, including office administration, customer service and cadaver preparation."

You have given "multi-tasking" new meaning.


Employment history: "Short stints with various fast food restaurants."

Were you comparing secret sauces?


Cover letter: "My work history is outlined on my enclosed resume. As you can see there isn't anything too impressive about it."

Thanks for the heads up.


Cover letter: "Any break in employment was not intentional."

Uh-oh ...


Major achievements: "Coordinated 1996 Sales Fair, and lost 75 pounds."

Hope you passed on handling the '97 event!


Additional skills: "Able to whistle while pretending to drink water at the same time."

If we need to liven up those staff meetings, we know who to call.


Cover letter: "But wait … there's more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of finance that is second nature."

If I act now, will you throw in a set of kitchen knives?


Reason for leaving: "Was held at gunpoint and nearly eaten by a giant rodent."

Say no more.


Personal: "I am loyal and know when to keep my big mouth shut."

That's reassuring ...


Work history: "Left job because disciplinary actions were taken for showing up late."

Good to know.


Application: "Q: In what local areas do you prefer to work? A: Smoking."

And will you be having dinner or just cocktails?


Reason for leaving: "Terminated after saying, 'It would be a blessing to be fired.'"

You never heard, "Be careful what you wish for?"


Personal: "My family is willing to relocate. However not to New England (too cold) and not to Southern California (earthquakes). Indianapolis or Chicago would be fine. My youngest prefers Orlando's proximity to Disney World."

We'll see what we can do.


Background: "28 dog years of experience in sales (four human)."

Let me guess, you require three poodle months of vacation.


Resume: "I have a lifetime's worth of technical expertise (I wasn't born - my mother simply chose 'eject child' from the special menu."

Was someone there to catch you?


Qualifications: "I don't run with scissors."

We're not sure if you're "cut out" for the job.


Objective: "If you don't hire me, I'll eat a bug."

We hear they're auditioning for the next installment of "Survivor."


Extracurricular activity: "I played soccer in elementary school."

If our company advances to the World Cup, we'll let you know.


Experience: "I have unsuccessfully raised a dog."

Let me guess … His bite is worse than his bark?

[Chiwas]

Office with windows

"We have cubicles, but, what about Windows with Office? They're included with your PC".

[ames7]

We've been reviewing applications at work lately. For the question "Do you have any special skills?" someone put "Maybe." Oooh, mysterious.

[Chiwas]

"Sex"

Ok, if it's a qualification.