The Onion on Sports

[ames7]

Was searching through The Onion archives for my latest paper in my Rhetoric of Satire class & came across these. Brilliant. Here are the links & some of my favorite parts:

Pro Athlete Lauded For Being Decent Human Being

MILWAUKEE—Ray Allen, Milwaukee Bucks guard and budding NBA superstar, is drawing raves on and off the court, hailed by admirers as "not an asshole" and "a reasonably decent human being."

"I'll never forget what he said to me before the first interview I did with him," Burns said. "He said, 'Hello, Mr. Burns.' Then he extended his hand for me to, you know, shake. That's just the type of guy he is."

Never accused of sexual assault, Allen has earned high praise for his lack of hostility toward women.

ESPN's Dan Patrick continued, "It's nice to know that in this day and age, there are still athletes out there who say 'thank you' when you give them a new car for making the all-star team."

NFL Star Thanks Jesus After Successful Double Homicide

CHARLESTON, SC—Washington Redskins defensive end D'Aundré Banks gave "all thanks and praise to my personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" Monday for giving him the strength he needed to fatally stab bouncer Isaac Edmonds and ex-girlfriend Pamela Hamilton outside a Charleston nightclub early Sunday morning.

"All glory to Jesus," the 25-year-old Banks, who attended the University of South Carolina, told reporters from his cell in the Charleston County Jail. "He is with me in this dark hour, as He was in our devastating 14-13 playoff loss to the Buccaneers.

"First off, I'd like to say 'great job' to Isaac and Pamela, who put up a heck of a fight and have nothing to be ashamed of," Banks said. "They were terrific opponents, and it's too bad somebody had to lose a life.

Added Banks: "Jesus really let me take this homicide to the next level. Thank you, Jesus!"

"All the papers are branding D'Aundré a murderer, as if that's all there is to him," Jeff Rosenzweig, Banks' Miami-based agent and manager said. "It's all 'homicide this' and 'seven-inch stab wound that.'"

[irontoad]

The Onion rules!

[LRB]

My favorite quote from the Ray Allen "story":


"When he was in college, Ray voluntarily went to several UConn women's basketball games and has been quoted as saying that he'd play for a female coach," Bucks public-relations director Cheri Hanson said. "Ray Allen isn't merely in the top 1 percent of NBA players; he's in the 51st percentile of human beings."

The other story just plain kills me. [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]

[BrianJ]

My favorite part was " Ray has never been convicted of sexual assault" somebody nominate him for the Nobel piece prize. I did not realize that was such a compliment, time to update my resume.

[LRB]

Well considering he plays in the same league as Shawn Kemp, that might be a valid compliment.